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Finally a full stop to the journey that began on 6 January 2019... The 19 months of saga and each day being more of a torture than the previous one...
Honestly, itne torture ki zaroorat nahi thi
A rant thread
Honestly, itne torture ki zaroorat nahi thi
A rant thread
Last year, the whole of which I dedicated to preparation for the NEET PG 2020 with all the enthusiasm and dedication which pretty much became a frustration by August... I did everything that was told, had a self imposed lockdown (yup my lockdown is a year older than others)
And finally after giving the exam I felt relieved until that asshole result day came breaking my heart and dreams in more than million pieces... It was literally twice as bad as my worst nightmare...It sucked out every ounce of happiness, belief, faith, hope out of me...
Then the next step was the counseling, the decider and thanks to WHO and China ( #CKMKB) it got delayed so much and thus further extending the days of my mental torture... Waking up each day with despair and questioning to myself what and why did it happen to me??
Also, seeing everyone else getting better ranks (even the ones who studied less than me), damn it all my friends got such good ranks (I am not jealous of them but you just feel left out) and then everyone getting seats in great colleges... And apna to khaata bhi ni khula
It became the 'chasing cars' situation at one point like a dog chase the car and doesn't know what will it do once it caught one... Similarly, I really forgot what do I actually want?? What am I ready to fight for, put all my heart on soul into??
Then there were some official rumours about change of counseling pattern that further added to my anxiety and I was just done with it, done with this life, done with this profession... I didn't and I still don't feel like continuing with being a doctor but I have no choice
It's like Post-partum blues/depression when even after bearing child for 9 months in her womb, the woman feels no attachment or wants to kill her own child, same with me... Even after nurturing a dream for so long, I just want to run away from it as far and fast as possible
It's like when you find your true love, 'the one' with whom you want to spend rest of your life and then you stop loving them... The profession that I once thought was my calling has now got me so much aversion to it 
P.s. It nowhere means I have any disrespect for it, nope..
P.s. It nowhere means I have any disrespect for it, nope..
After spending some 200 nights in anxiety and insomnia, waking up to 200 mornings of hopelessness and regrets... Now I just have to be out there and pretend I am happy and excited about it because obviously it's a big deal, so what if I am burnt out even before starting it??
Getting something out of luck when you had put in shitloads of time and energy to earn it doesn't really send rewarding feedbacks to your limbic system
Well MD Anaesthesia, Delhi it will be!!
Well MD Anaesthesia, Delhi it will be!!
