ZUKO: my father cast me out & sent me on the impossible quest of finding you! my soul has been consumed by the search! i am empty inside for want of finding the avatar, regaining my honor, and finally earning my father’s love!
AANG: so?
ZUKO: so how DARE you be ten years old

the year is 2020 and i would still lay down my life for appa the flying bison

ZHAO: you’re a banished prince! you have no power! your own father doesn’t even want you anymore!
ZUKO: that’s where you’re wrong, zhao!
ZHAO: ?
ZUKO: my father NEVER wanted me

BUMI: oh shit it’s aang! my friend from 100 years ago who vanished! he’s still twelve? and isn’t he like... the avatar? i wonder what i should do about this wild turn of events
BUMI:
BUMI:
BUMI, SNAPPING HIS FINGERS: i’ll make him think i’m gonna MURDER him. [nodding] that’s fun

IROH, ANYTIME HE IS CAPTURED: ohhh, i’m just a little harmless old man, never hurt anyone, definitely not going to burn you!! how could i, a frail elderly tea enthusiast, pose any threat to any person? i’m practically a ghost already — oh good you came closer, PREPARE TO DIE

IROH: kid WHY are you following the avatar into the fire nation? don’t you remember your dad kicking you out??
ZUKO: he kicked me out to look for the avatar! he’ll understand!
IROH: zuko, i don’t know how to tell you this, but my brother... your dad... he... he big time sucks

ZUKO: so i snuck up on katara, right? and then i said something so intimidating you won’t even believe it!
IROH: what did you say?
ZUKO: i said “i’ll save you from the pirates!”
IROH:
ZUKO:
IROH:
ZUKO: well i said it in a VERY intimidating way

SOKKA: i may not be able to bend, but i pull my own weight on any team with a combination of tactical thinking, fighting skills, a pocket full of assorted meats, and my god-given gift for causing problems on purpose

OZAI: my thirteen year old son spoke out of turn in a meeting! i must decide an appropriate punishment
IROH: uhhhhh how about something chill? maybe a nice... verbal correction? you could be like “don’t do that again,” or —
OZAI, SHRIEKING: FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!

FIRE NATION SOLDIER: i thought prince zuko got that scar in a training accident!
IROH: ah, no. tragically, his father handed him his whole ass

FROG: so i‘m minding my own business, right? just frozen for the winter down in the mud, when suddenly, i’m waking up in some fire nation prison?? & this kid with an arrow on his head is chasing me screaming “my friends have to suck on you!”
OTHER FROGS: dude. that’s messed up

ADMIRAL ZHAO: fuck the water tribe!! fuck war tactics!! fuck you!! FUCK THE MOON!!!
IROH: uh LOOK, okay, what kind of absolute shit —
ADMIRAL ZHAO: FUCK THE MOOOOOOOOOOON

describe avatar but make it boring: a lot of people on this show have what i’d call a larger than average number of feelings about the moon

EVERYBODY IN THE EARTH KINGDOM, FIRE NATION, AND SOUTHERN WATER TRIBE: hey you guys remember that day when the moon was just??? gone??? for like 45 minutes??? that was weird, right??

OZAI: iroh is a traitor and your brother is a failure; i have a task for you
AZULA: you had me at “your brother is a failure”

EARTH KINGDOM CITIZEN: are you coming to avatar day?
AANG: there’s an avatar day??? that’s awesome!
EARTH KINGDOM CITIZENS, CHANTING: we hate the avatar! we hate the avatar! we hate the avatar!
AANG: i see now that it is NOT awesome

ZUKO: there is no honor for me until i capture the avatar!
IROH: kid you could capture every avatar there’s ever been — just show up to the fire nation with a whole battalion of captured avatars — and your shitty dad still wouldn’t love you
ZUKO:
IROH:
ZUKO: jesus, uncle. ouch

TOPH: listen, my life is bad, okay?
TOPH: my parents are awful! they treat me like i’m made of glass just because i’m blind!
TOPH: so i guess what i’m saying is, what’s it to you if i take out my aggression by physically and psychologically destroying eight grown men a week?

IROH: so first my son died; then my brother used that to say he should be fire lord; then my dad tried to punish him by killing my favorite nephew?? but instead my brother killed my dad to steal the throne from me
IROH: anyway the best thing about tea is it never does that

IROH: i’ll teach you to redirect lightning but i’m not gonna like... shoot lightning at you, zuko. you’re my family and i love you
ZUKO: FINE!!!!!! if THAT’S how you’re going to be i’ll go FIGHT with the SKY until it ATTACKS ME!!!!!!!!
IROH, SIGHING: i cannot say this shocks me

SOKKA: suki, you only came along on the trip across the serpent’s pass to protect ME?
SUKI: sokka, you’re important to me and everything, but it’s borderline unfathomable to me that you’ve even lived this long

THE DAI LI: how will we convince visitors that everything is fine in ba sing se?
THE DAI LI: oh of course — brainwash a bunch of different women into believing they all have the same name and personality! that’s how you present “we’re fine here” to the world

ZUKO: i’m sorry, but i can’t come in to work today; i’ve caught a terrible case of morality and i must stay home and heal

ZUKO: my fever is broken and i’m feeling cheerful! i’ll try whatever you’ve made for breakfast, i’m not picky. it’s a nice day! things are looking up.
IROH, ON VERGE OF TEARS: my god. he’s calmed the fuck down. even if it never happens again, i will cherish this day

TOPH: the nerve of these guys, imprisoning me in this metal box!
TOPH: i mean there’s nothing to DO in here. i’ve never been so bored in my life!
TOPH:
TOPH:
TOPH:
TOPH: well i guess i’ll just invent metal bending then

KATARA: it’s weird talking to you like a person! i’m so used to thinking of your face as the face of an enemy
ZUKO: yes, i also feel that way when i look at myself

IROH: well RIP the endless years i spent trying to pull zuko out of the pits of the harm my brother dealt to him, and the single day of peace it yielded me, I FUCKING GUESS

OZAI: your uncle is bad and i’m good!
ZUKO: but... he was always kind, and you burned and banished me... so...
OZAI: you did the right thing, betraying him!
ZUKO: see but it’s you saying that... which makes me think that maybe... i didn’t

AANG: hey, let’s all dance!
FIRE NATION KIDS: dude. come on.
AANG: what?
FIRE NATION KIDS: we’re all on footloose rules, man

KATARA: i know you’re feeling down about not being able to bend, but maybe you just need a teacher to help you with the stuff you can do!
SOKKA: maybe i DO
SOKKA: [finds a teacher, becomes a master fencer in two days]
KATARA: wow i... i did not expect that suggestion to work

LO: ember island gives everyone a clean slate!!
LI: ember island reveals your true self!!
LO AND LI: on ember island you discover who you are!!
AZULA:
MAI:
TY LEE:
ZUKO: look we’re the royal family okay, if this is like a cult situation you have to tell us

ZUKO, STARING AT A PLASTER MOLD OF HIS HAND MADE WHEN HE WAS A BABY: the years really DO start coming and they don’t stop coming

ROKU: please, save my life!
SOZIN: yeah see the thing is, i came to help fight the volcano? bc we’re friends? but then i realized it might be better for me if you died... bc we’re enemies...
ROKU: so you came just to watch me die???
SOZIN: no! but in another, realer sense... yes

TOPH: so we’re a group of children with no money and a whole host of secret superpowers. do you know what that makes us perfect for?
KATARA: helping people?
AANG: saving the world?
SOKKA: receiving donations of beef jerky?
TOPH: no. CRIMES

KATARA: do you think i’m motherly, sokka???
SOKKA: uhhhhhhhhhh. due to our shared childhood trauma you basically had to become MY mom, so i’m probably... the wrong person to ask....

AANG: sokka, look out! it’s sparky sparky boom man!!
COMBUSTION MAN: did that little shit with the arrow on his head just call me “sparky sparky boom man?”

HAMA: sometimes, in horrible circumstances, you discover something horrible, like bloodbending!
KATARA: uhhh well,, sure i guess, but...
HAMA: and sometimes you discover you love doing it!! you love it more than anything!! ahahahaha!!
KATARA: ah. what i’ve made here is a mistake

FIRE NATION PRISON GUARD: you’ll never get out of this cell, old man!
IROH: there is one lesson you must learn in this life, and it is NEVER underestimate my ability to get swole

ZUKO: dad, i came here to say “fuck you” and i came here to say it at length. it’s the middle of an eclipse so you can’t fire bend, and i brought two swords so you can’t kill me!
OZAI: well i —
ZUKO [JEAN-RALPHIO VOICE]: fuuuuuck yooooooou

HELLO, ZUKO HERE

ZUKO: i want to tell you this funny joke my uncle told me, but i can’t
ZUKO: you see, i went so many years without laughing or smiling that my sense of humor was permanently damaged

that’s rough, buddy.

WARDEN: you’ll never get out of here, zuko!
ZUKO: wait, how do you know who i am?
WARDEN: you are famously the prince of this country

ZUKO: i know that i betrayed you, katara. how can i make it up to you?
KATARA: you could reconquer ba sing se in the name of the earth king! you could bring my mother back!
ZUKO: ... right
KATARA:
ZUKO: i was thinking more along the lines of like, maybe you wanted a sandwich

TOPH: in this play, a huge burly adult man been cast as me, and he sees by releasing a sonic wave with his mouth, which involves walking up to people and screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH in their faces
TOPH:
TOPH:
TOPH: i think this is the best day of my life

OZAI: from now on, you will all refer to me as THE PHOENIX KING!! i will answer to nothing else!!
THE COURT OF FIRE NATION, EYEING EACH OTHER NERVOUSLY: uh oh. that does not sound good. should we like... maybe not have been listening to this guy?

AANG: i don’t believe in violence and i don’t want to kill the fire lord
ROKU: but you have to kill the fire lord
ALL THE OTHER PAST AVATARS: seriously kid you have to kill the fire lord
AANG:

ZUKO: if we win the war, will you come be fire lord?
IROH: ah, zuko, that is sweet. but HELL no

AANG: we don’t have to do this, fire lord ozai. we don’t have to fight!
OZAI:
AANG:
OZAI:
AANG:
OZAI: okay but... i’d love to fight

AANG: i took away your bending
OZAI: you TOOK AWAY my BENDING?
AANG: yeah. now you’re just a regular old asshole

no jokes for the end of avatar, just hooray for the end of the fire nation empire! and sorry in advance to everybody’s future kids because that all turns out a little grim thanks for reading everybody

wow seems like you guys are enjoying this! i hate to do this - i know it‘s awful everywhere right now - but i’m out of work and was denied unemployment & job hunting while trans in ohio is... hard. i would hugely appreciate any help venmo @ dylanthyme / http://ko-fi.com/dylanthyme