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Dear men, when marrying someone who has never been married before as second, third, or fourth wife, do not treat her like someone who has been married before. She’s new to it, she’s nervous, and she’s entitled to tarairaya and memorable first times too just like every new bride
Don’t continue making plans the way you used to without including her in them, she’s part of your family too and not a third wheel; include her in your plans so she won’t feel out of place. Don’t be nonchalant/carefree. Again, you’re the one who has been married before & not her.
Be kind to her; unlike first wives, 2nd/3rd/4th wives go through the consciousness of judgements from others for weeks/months after marriage like they just committed the greatest evil known to man when it’s not even a sin before God. Make her feel at ease and assure her.
Don’t assume she knows things about marriage (or even about being married to you) that you learnt over so many years just because you and your other wife/wives know them. You learnt too, she’s just starting — teach her patiently and help her.
Don’t assume you know things about being married to her because you’ve been married before & there’s nothing you don’t know; you haven’t married her before and she’s definitely not one and the same with your other wife/wives, her marriage to you is different from yours to others!
Don’t make her another woman’s subject, don’t force friendships or force a sisterhood between your wives; they’re all individually & separately married to you, they’re not married to each other. It’s four different marriages, not one big marriage with four arms. Let them do them!
Don’t ‘play love’ with another in her presence — don’t call any wife in the presence of another — as it is disrespectful to her and her emotions. Even though she’s one of your wives, you’re her only husband — You’ll never be in that situation with her, don’t subject her to it.
She doesn’t automatically know how to be a mother to your children, help her ease into it; everyone starts parenting with babies, she’s starting hers with grown children jumping a process. Assure her and help her, don’t make her feel inadequate or let others do.
Never compare your wives, they’re not the same; don’t go about reprimanding one’s onetime mistake for the constant mistakes of another — “ku sai mutum ya kawo abu, sai ku zuba ido kuyita kallo” nooooooo. There’s no ‘ku’ when talking to a person but ‘ke’, address each for her own!
Akwai shawarwari da yawa amma kun riga kun gane dai. Please if you’re not a Muslim or some who may encounter polygamy, this isn’t for you. I’ll try and write something for new brides, old wives, and maybe in-laws in a polygamous setting too in shaa Allah. Allah Yasa mu dace.
