I have never felt myself particularly affected by gendered language. When I see words like "man" or "he" or "guy," I do a small amount of mental acrobatics to change it to a word that fits for me, and that has always felt okay to me. 1/

I'm careful to use gender-neutral language because I understand that it has an effect on many people, but I've never felt too bothered hearing it myself. I've always been in fairly male-dominated spaces, and got used to doing the mental acrobatics to make something apply to me.

The most obvious examples of this in my life have been software (I've worked in the industry for 10+ years) and monastery life (MAPLE is co-ed, but has historically had more male residents than not)

The sutras are (almost? entirely?) written in male-focused language.

Over the last few months, I've had a few experiences that have demonstrated to me the shocking effect of this seemingly small amount of mental acrobatics.

A few months ago, during a silent retreat week at MAPLE, Soryu was giving a Dharma talk. He came to a part where he was about to read an excerpt from a sutra, then paused and looked around the room before continuing.

Of the 9 of us training in the Dragon group, 7 were women.

"Here, bhikkhunis," he continued, "a bhikkhuni abides contemplating the body as a body, ardent, fully aware, and mindful, having put away covetousness and grief for the world."

I know this sutra. I know that the original word is "bhikkhus" (monks). Bhikkhuni means nun.

I thought - oh, that's really good of him to shift the language in that way. I hope it helps someone here.

"She abides contemplating feelings as feelings," he continued, "ardent, fully aware and mindful, having put away covetousness and grief for the world."

"She abides contemplating mind as mind, ardent, fully aware and mindful, having put away covetousness and grief for the world."

As he went on, I noticed my body become simultaneously very still and very energized. I was focused on his every word. Something felt different.

It was like my reception of the message went from "this is talking about something I could do if I try really hard" to "this is talking about ME."

"...She abides contemplating mind-objects as mind-objects, ardent, fully aware and mindful..."

Yes. Yes she DOES.

I was genuinely surprised at the change in my experience and my practice. I had never felt this difference from a change in gendered language. I'm sure there's lots to unpack here about my experience with gender, but that feels too nebulous to try to do right now.

But the bigger change happened a while later, after I went into the cabin for 6 weeks.

We have a book which contains transcripts of some talks Soryu gave a few years ago. At the end of the book is a short text that he wrote. I knew nothing about the content of this text.

As I was finishing the book and got to that text, I saw there were two versions of it. There wasn't an explanation of what differed between the two versions, so I read the first one.

When I finished it, I thought - Wow. That's VERY intense. That's very Soryu.

Then I looked at the second version. As far as I could see, it was exactly the same as the first, except that all instances of "he" were instead "she".

Well, okay, I thought, I've literally just read this, but I might as well read the version that's more applicable to me.

So I read it.

I want to be clear: this version of the text was exactly the same as the first - only the pronouns were different.

I had literally JUST finished reading the first version.

At the end of the second version, I was bawling.

There was no room to think "wow, this is intense."

There was only the experience of intensity.

Every sentence pierced into me. Every word was a punch in the gut. There was no filter of mental acrobatics to apply, so everything landed directly.

I was disoriented and awed.

I realized from this that if I want to maximize my training, I should seek out more buddhist texts aimed at women - something I still have not done very much of, despite having been out of the cabin for nearly a month now. Recommendations appreciated.

As I learn more about the sutras, I notice the places where Soryu shifts his language to be more applicable to more of us. He does it without ceremony - I would have no idea that he's doing it if I didn't know the original versions.

"Monk" often becomes "practitioner". "He" becomes "they". The bathman analogy of the 1st Jhana becomes bathmaker. I imagine that he does this with many things, not drawing attention to it, just allowing us to be impacted by it.

The more I learn, the more respect I have for him.

As I step more into a role of power in my monastic community, it becomes even more important to see the impact of words, no matter how large or small. I am glad to have had this felt experience, specifically because it was so unexpected to me.

There's always so much to learn.