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Ok so because I need monster drinks to make it through my minimum wage job, and it was cheaper to buy individuals, I bought one of every type of monster. In this thread I will review each one, as well as post some fun monster facts. Let's go!
This monster is already worth it before you even pop the tab. Look at it! It's a dragon! The drink itself is subdued and reserved, like a can of arizona watered down by flavorless caffeine. A bad can of green tea but a very smooth monster.
The first time I drank monster was in a dream.
This, now this is gross. It's like non alchaholic whiskey shaken not stirred with flat mtn dew. It's your cousin's, who calls himself a cowboy, drink of choice. However drinking it at work is much like hitting yourself with a whiffle ball bat to prevent dissociation.
Monster was invented by Thomas Monster in 1862 when he accidentally had a bull cum in his mtn dew.
Just kidding, we have fun here.
It was auctually invented by Hurley Monster in 1987 when she accidentally had a bull cum in her mtn dew.
Just kidding, we have fun here.
It was auctually invented by Hurley Monster in 1987 when she accidentally had a bull cum in her mtn dew.
La Crox. It tastes like walking passes an overdressed old lady at target. An approximation of... grapefruit? Rosewater? It is impossible. It has no hint of traditional monster flavors, as well as 0 sugar.
Monster energy drinks have been vegetarian since 2003 and vegan since 2011.
Oh. Oh this is good. A wave of nostalgia flows over you, as you recall drinking HI-C at your elementary school's dated cafeteria. This drink makes you feel like a small child, and gives you a little of that energy.
Gamers, heres one for you!
In Hideo Kojima's magnum opus, Death Stranding, the monsters were manufactured before 2011, making them not vegan.
In Hideo Kojima's magnum opus, Death Stranding, the monsters were manufactured before 2011, making them not vegan.
Because there is still 4 hours of work to go, and I'm tired, I will treat you and myself to a review of an original monster, fresh from my local panda express.
This feels like home, but not your own. It's your buddie's couch, that you have just woken up on. The TV still displays the Halo 4 Custom games menu.Two older people, assumed parents, are quietly eating breakfast. You have never seen them before.Your buddy is nowhere to be found.
Monster is dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vivamus dolor nibh, hendrerit ut sapien non, ultrices aliquam ex. Maecenas tortor metus, iaculis ut est id, tincidunt bibendum arcu. Curabitur aliquet leo ligula, ut rhoncus libero blandit vitae.
I have abandoned my post. My responsibilities. My calling.
I have hoarded knowledge.
This ends today.
I have hoarded knowledge.
This ends today.
Another drink, another dragon. Tasty as ever. Much like the green tea, as a tea it's bad, but as a monster it's amazing. A great drink.
I am in a middle school lunchroom. There is a large vending machine, unrefrigerated. There is a button for monster. It costs $2.77. It calls to me.
When I first looked at this, I immediately thought "sour apple". I read the label, it proclaimed "tropical blends". Nope, sour apple. 2/10, not good.
I check my pocket. Exact change. I place the crumpled bill and assorted coins into the machine, and wait a second. I contemplate what great sin I will soon commit.
I press the button for a monster.
I press the button for a monster.
This ones intresting. Hit amazing as a post hangover drink, the context in which I enjoyed it. But I dont think this will hold to higher standards. Its peach tea mixed with monster. Make of that what you will.
The machine rumbles, and a can of classic monster clocks out. It's one of those with a resealable top. I pop it open, and begin to take my first sip.
It tastes strongly of iron, with a thick viscous texture.
It is blood.
It tastes strongly of iron, with a thick viscous texture.
It is blood.
I just finished a can of this more minutes ago and cant remember anything about it. The flavors blend together much like my workday. You dont realize that it is over until you sit in your car, unsatisfied with life.
I jolt awake. There is blood smeared on my upper lip and bedsheets.
This was the first time I tried monster.
This was the first time I tried monster.
Tastes like blue. Blue raspberry that it. The official flavor of the color blue. Kicks ass, especially for the kids who shouldn't be drinking it in the first place.
Monster sponsored the 1986 Soviet Orympic Triathlon team.
Literal poison to my lactose intolerance body. Each ship reminds me of what tragedy may strike in the near future. Tastes like over sweet canned coffee. I dread the other 3 cans of coffee sitting at home. Waiting.
Monster Energy Supercross: The Official Videogame was Giant Bomb's game of the year 2018.
BONUS! A treat for all of you fresh from taco bell, the grilled cheese burrito!
I cant tell if this is the best or worst thing taco bell has produced. It is loaded with carbs and grease and is certainly filling. It is gross to hold. You must grip it by the cheese. Feel it squish and compress, warm against your fat fingers. Sorrow Incarnate.
Also no idea what those red things are. Pepperoni? Cant be.
Baja Blast is the only drink rated more pure than filtered water by the Red Cross association.
By god this is orange. And not your sunny D ass "orange", real orange. Which isnt right on a level I cant articulate. This is good. Good, so long as its been at least an hour since you've had anything minty.
There are no more monster facts.
The liquid inside is an ominous deep orange. The taste is more tame. Cheap red bull. That's all. However, infinitely more interesting is the pseudo-politics of this drink: A mini thread:
My lunch break is almost over I'm not doing a thread rn fuck
So here's the blurb plastered on every can on of this bland beverage, and just like... why
Like emphasizing how apolitical your company is just a fucking smoothebrain move. Like literally nobody fucking asked. Why do you need to be a centrist shill to justify using digital camo
Furthermore, is monster really trying to pretend to be a small company? Like are you fucking kidding me? Cut the shit corporation. You sold nearly 5 billion last year
Also fun fact (not a joke this time): Reign Energy Drinks is a subsidiary of monster. Who knew
But red bull, who this product poorly imitates, sold 4.20 (nice) billion in 2018. Don't try and be a underdog, corporation. Youre the big dog here, dont try and garner sympathy
And dont end that shit with revolutionary language, centrists. Fuck off
