Five years ago today I lost my mom to cancer. It devastated me, and for a while I thought I would never find happiness ever again. It forced me to really reconcile with myself, my feelings, my beliefs, my mental health.
A thread with my random thoughts on grief:

1. Every loss hits different. I was able to deal with my dad's death reasonably ok but not my mom's. It gave me a fear of death, abandonment issues, depression and anxiety all which I am still working through. Losing a parent isn't unique, but the way we go through this loss is.

2. I thought I had said my goodbyes but I wasn't prepared at all. It was a like being punched in the chest and I was knocked out. I made it worse by trying to be strong. It genuinely surprised me how bad it hit me. I loved her but I wasn't expecting this reaction from my heart.

3. Every culture/religion provides a process for those initial days after a death. Those rituals aren't for the dead but for the living. It helps give you a structure in days you need it most. Even being an athiest I found value in them. They provided a sense of closure.

4. There is no timetable for healing. Unfortunately after their initial sympathies the world expects you to be back to normal which lead to me hiding my grief. This only made things worse. I lived on auto pilot for many months...but I wasn't living, I was dying inside each day.

5. I started having and still have anxiety attacks. Now I know its unexpressed grief. Her death taught me to really cry and be ok with it. It wasn't something I did earlier coz I had this huge need to be strong always. Yoga really helped me, guess opening the heart chakra works.

6. I tried everything. Yoga, meditation, writing, therapist, running, charity work, colouring, gardening, swimming, breathing exercises, bach flowers, pranic healing, gratitude diary, music, more work, books, gymming. They all helped. Outward distraction and inward reflection.

7. For the longest time everything became tainted with loss and I couldn't think of any happy memories with her. It took me forever to say yes she died but you know what, she also lived. Now I remember her with both happiness and sadness.

8. There are almost a year's worth of songs that are so imprinted with memories of that time that I still have trouble listening to them. Similarly with other things that happened around that time and are forever overshadowed with her death. I am getting over it one at a time.

9. The mental image that stays is also a problem. For a while you remember them as they were at the end. Weak and broken from chemo. I have to make myself remember the happy and healthy her as that's who she was her entire life apart from the few months in the end.

10. I felt hopelessness and helplessness. I felt I had no home to come back to. I still feel that way. Its a very lonely feeling after you lose both parents. Feels like you have no foundation. It even made me question the homes I still had. I felt untethered and I still do.

11. I replayed things in my head. Things I could've done better, things she could've done better. I still do. It took me a long time to say we both did the best we could and we were lucky to have each other. And I can't go back and unsay words or undo that one thing.

12. It put a huge strain on my relationships and friendships and changed their dynamics. It made me feel really lonely. But it also brought me close to my siblings - yes trauma bonding is real. It made me open up and talk about loss, grief and mental health.

13. Most people are very uncomfortable with other people's grief and don't know how to act around them. Either they overdo it with concern which feels artificial or they avoid you which feels like a betrayal. And I found it hard to tell them what I wanted but I am learning now.

14. The stages of grief come in random order and many times. There is no going back to normal. Its a new crappy normal. I kept fighting to go back to a place I couldn't. When I stopped fighting, I felt better. Grief is ok. Not fighting my feelings was my biggest lesson.

15. Grief can get layered and it may seem the bottom one is now gone but its just hidden from view. I lost a close friend within 2 year's of losing my mom and it felt I closed the grief on my mom...without closure. New grief makes you forget old grief but not always close it out.

16. What I thought was my biggest strength was a big weakness. Being strong on the surface and crying inside did me major water damage. Being strong isn't not feeling. Having a poker face sometimes means you are scared of your emotions and not on top of them. Who knew.

17. I am ok now for the most part but small things trigger me. A tweet, a memory, a photo, anything can remind me of what I lost. Again the only thing that works is accepting it and saying its ok to be sad. I have got over this desperate need to be happy all the time.

18. We gave all my mom's things away, and I later regretted it wishing I had kept some as souvenirs. Now I know I don't need a souvenir from my mom, I am a souvenir from my mom. I look like my dad but I am my mom in every which way.

19. And now I spend this day each year with my siblings. We make food she loved and spend the day together and happy. We raise a toast to her for she gave us the best gift - eachother. This year we will do it on video call.

20. Her death was a big eye opener. I learnt so much about myself. I am glad I was able to love someone so much. I am perhaps weaker but also much softer. In her life and in her death, she taught me, she gave me, only love and acceptance. I love you and miss you everyday mumma