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Something one of my friends is dealing with is called Trauma Bonding. This occurs when you become loyal to someone who is abusive. The way in which they abuse is to manipulate you into thinking the abuse is just a thing you go through and that it makes your bond stronger.
The abuser will traumatize their victim either emotionally or physically. They want to make sure you are really upset by it too, so that the emotions are running high and you are deeply going to be affected by this. If you are in that state, the next step for them will be more-
powerful. After you've become upset and vulnerable, they will come and either apologize or try to comfort you and say stuff like it's okay and nothing will come between you two. The victim will believe them and give them another chance, and both parties will feel-
as if they are now emotionally closer and their relationship is stronger because they didn't run away during the trauma. This makes the victim believe the abuser is loyal and will never leave, which makes the victim loyal for real and makes the idea of separation super difficult-
to the point where their brain starts to think separation will destroy years of their 'hard work' and erase all the trauma they went through. That leaving means it was all nothing. The abuser may also say this directly during the trauma parts. -
However, after you guys hit a nice high note and there is no drama or negativity, the abuser will hit the victim again. They can come up with random issues or they can use the same initial problem from the past or perhaps a minor discussion that was had recently-
and they will repeat the process. They will repeat the trauma bonding so much that the victim will have no idea how to deal with other people in a healthy manner and they will think their only real connection is with the abuser. Because-
nobody else has given them such a 'deep and personal' connection. Nobody else has such a personal and scary history with them. It's nice thinking someone knows you super well and will never leave you. But those are the only things keeping the victim to the abuser.-
And the thing is, you will never ever get to relax with that abuser. They will always come up with some way to upset and ruin you. To keep you so ruined and in need of that connection that you can't talk to anyone else but them. They know you better, after all. Right?-
This also treats the victim and the abuser that trauma and fighting is what love is. When a victim escapes the abuser they may very well think that their new friends hate them because the new friends refuse to attack and fight and defend against you. The victim will-
then abuse people in order to recreate that feeling of closeness and 'love' that they felt before. It's like a drug. And if they can never find it again they might actually hunt down the original abuser and try to return to that horrible situation that kept them miserable-
because to them, that is how you love. https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/
