The rules, from the start, because...we need distraction from the darkness. Be loving. Be safe. Be inspired. Be a fucking inspired agent of progressive change.

Showruner Rule #1: All scripts are essentially math. Bad scripts are algebra. GREAT scripts are string theory.

Showrunner Rule #2: Black out the character names on a script. If after you can’t IMMEDIATELY identify your characters voices, ya fucked up.

Showrunner Rule #3: I’ll take a great person over a great writer any day. I can fix writing, but I can’t get back time an asshole wastes.

Showrunner Rule #4: No matter how many times you tell yourself, you can “get that scene shot in an hour-and-a-half”… it’ll take two hours.

(And GOD only knows how long it will take with "social distancing pods" once we give that a try.)

Showrunner Rule #5: The SHOCKER on page 45, MUST be set up on pages 9 and 26. Cause any moron can write, “Only now do we realize she’s an alien!!!”

Showrunner Rule #6: Writers waste early time coming up with GREAT dialogue. Dialogue’s for later. What’s paramount now: what HAPPENS next.

Showrunner Rule #7: With the notable exception of the stealth dickwad a staff is only as good as you let them be. After all, you hired them.

Showrunner Rule #8 (that I failed): If network DEMANDS you cast Tara Reid circa 1995 as “hot, young” lead, say NO… even if they then fire you.

Showrunner Rule #9 (part 1 of 2): emotional truth > dramatic truth > logistical truth > literal truth. Meaning... does character X have a primal need to get to Myanmar > is it interesting if character X gets on a flight..

Showrunner Rule #9 (part 2 of 2): ...to Myanmar > how long (screen time) will it take to get character X to Myanmar > is there an actual flight on an actual airline to Myanmar on this day at this time

Showrunner MATH Rule #10: S*2/D less than 12. AKA number of scripted scenes * 2 hrs (average length per scene)/# of shoot days MUST be less than 12. Learn it.

Showrunner Rule #11: Magnetized dry-erase strips that can be moved anywhere on “the board” were, for me, a discovery equal to Higgs Boson.

Showrunner Rule #12 (failed this): When asking an actor to remove his sunglasses, be ready to block him in the event he tries to choke you.

Showrunner Rule #13 Any quarter-wit can dream up a porcupine vs octopus knife fight, but a line producer has to figure out how to shoot it.

Showrunner Rule #14: LONG scenes (strips) aren’t an issue. It’s the AMOUNT of strips & coverage that kill production. They mean lighting and lighting is the enemy of time.

(What this will look like when we're traveling in Corona safety pods... I dunno... but add 37 minutes.)

Showrunner Rule #15: The fridge w/ chocolate, soda & endless salty snacks is 2 writers what piped-in-oxygen is 2 Vegas. “Why not stay late!”

(And currently the only fridge is the one in your own home, so you're going to have to buy your own snacks.)

Showrunner Rule #16: Film scripts — Christian, rising from turnaround for 2nd life. Pilot scripts — Jewish, once dead they tend to stay dead... though this is less true in the day of 3,000,000,000 million shows.

Now even dead shows don't ALWAYS say dead.

Showrunner Rule #17: The “room” should never turn into a EST meeting. Once you’re on hour seven, accept the story is headed for the shitter.

Showrunner Rule #18: 3AM PST is the time your phone will BUZZ when, on set, at 6AM EST Monday, your lead won’t get out of his/her trailer.

Or, now, as this very time, the moment you'll learn the lead has tested positive for covid.

Showrunner Rule #19: All act outs are improved w/ a BOOM. Char A slaps Char B, reveals he’s a sea monster. Eh. Same act out w/ BOOM… Emmy!

Showrunner Rule #20: When angry… never answer an email… or return a call… or go into an actor’s trailer.

When angry…

...do nothing.

Showrunner Rule #21: Upon arriving in office ask how long it took to get off 1st shot. Less than 1hr GREAT. Less than 2hrs FINE. More than 2hrs… YOU’RE IN THE SHITS.

Showrunner Rule #22: You’ll ALWAYS fall in love with temp music cues, so don’t ever let editors temp using songs you can’t afford.

Showrunner Rule #23: On the same Tuesday, you’ll spot cues for 101, while editing 102 AND shooting scenes for 103 AND writing script for 104 AND outlining 105 AND breaking story for 106.

This Tuesday will be called normal.

Showrunner Rule #24: The third time you fight for a pitch and are told “no”, GIVE UP, because, in the end, I’ll be the one who gets flayed when it bombs.

Showrunner Rule #25 (succeeded): Write surgery scenes with masked doctors so, later, with ADR, you can fix your bad dialogue any way you like.

Showrunner Rule #26:

Old Twitter = great tool for writing dialogue.

Almost every great line is less than 140 Characters. “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”

New Twitter fine if your writing is, say, Sorkinesque.

Showrunner Rule #27: Watch any episode from 1st season of “Boomtown,” then any episode from 2nd season.

The erosion is AKA “network involvement”.

Showrunner Rule #28 (failed): Don’t cast yourself in a cameo in the very scene that causes your pilot to TANK in testing. #AmITHATHideous?

Showrunner Rule #29: The proper response to a network note that you find intellectually insulting is a cheery, “Let us think about that.”

Showrunner Rule #30: Never chase a trend ’cause a bigger writer’ll get there first and yesterday’s vampires are tomorrow's thirty-two year old actresses playing themselves in middle school. #BoyDoILovePEN15!

Showrunner Rule #31: Given a choice between 2 jobs, pick the one where Showrunner loves her/his spouse & kids. That way you’re home by 7PM.

Showrunner Rule #32: Choices come with a cost element. When shooting out of town, local actor ($) vs LA/NY ($$) vs NAME ($$$$). If the choice seems funny... follow the money.

Showrunner Rule #33: The set’s where work you’ve ALREADY done gets shot. So, when you can, stay OFF set & finish the NEXT round of work.

Showrunner Rule #34: The thing your show DOES every week is called the “franchise”. In Chicago Fire its putting out fires... in Chicago. In Bojack Horeseman its getting people in Hollywood to return to therapy.

Showrunner Rule #35 (via @kristieannereed): A EXTREME close up of an actor & a brown, plastic, trash basket… is NOT professional TV.

Showrunner Rule #36: Nothing good comes from reading Deadline Hollywood & brain syphilis comes from reading comments on Deadline Hollywood.

(Rule applies to all comments.)

Showrunner Rule #37: Same audience that makes you MASSIVE hit on cable (2 mill & .9 demo) means you’ve been cancelled after two eps on network...all of which is moot if your network has sold it's slate overseas or needs new content for it's ridiculously named streaming service*.

*This is basically a dead rule. Ratings don't matter at all. Output deals do. More and more its just content for streaming services associated with studios. We're in a new world, wrapped in a newer world, placed up on a world we haven't even considered.

Showrunner Rule #38: Knowing "integration" is a necessary evil, NEVER let #1 on call sheet hold a product. Even whores gotta have standards.

Showriunner Rule #39: Every episode of television MUST start with a blank screen and a blinking cursor. Accept it and be not afraid.

Showrunner Rule #40: A pilot concept needs to be simple enough to be pitched during an elevator ride. Shoot for 5 floors; get it done in 3.

Showrunner Rule #41: Green envelopes are the surprise under the Christmas tree. They are residuals & they come without warning. #WayToGoWGA

Showrunner Rule #42: When you tell an actor, “I’ll try,” actor HEARS, “This will happen,” so if it DOESN’T you’re now incompetent or a liar.

Showrunner Rule #43: Stages of an episode. Concept page. Outline. Script. At each stage writers, studio & network weigh in. Lotsa notes.

Showrunner Rule #44: Most hour dramas have 42' 30" run time, so you hope 1st cut comes in at 47'. 5' of cuttable poop is pretty standard.

Showrunner Rule #45: Every few days pick another seat in “the room”. “Same seats” connotes static roles, which isn’t a productive dynamic.

Showrunner Rule #46: There’s a PRE & POST budget script. POST budget has 3 less locations, 5 less speaking parts and no exploding llama.

Showrunner Rule #47: Pilot pick up call often comes at wrong moment. Favorite wrong moment was while depooping front yard (dog not human).

Showrunner Rule #48: 36 is the # of days from 1st story break to finished production draft. 36 is KEY, because TV is GREAT SCRIPTS ON TIME. *By end of season 36 days shrinks to 15 & that’s when script gang-banging becomes norm*.

*If the room is on Zoom...add another 10 days.

Showrunner Rule #49: Tone meeting is last chance w/ director to explain what the fuck you meant when you wrote: That sock… he hates it!

Showrunner Rule #50: All casting starts w/ a list. Actors who fit role becomes avail actors who fit, turns into fit+avail+interest*.

*And now -- in the pandemic -- which actors will travel where...

Showrunner Rule #51: If you’re running a show where you can swear you’re likely not getting your full “quote” but you got a chance at an Emmy.

Showrunner Rule #52: Additional Dialogue Recorded is the clean up for the FUBAR scene you created that has confused audience.

It is the off-camera/back of the head dialogue explaining, “Oh, that’s Tristin, Chloe’s sister’s mother’s son.”

Showrunner Rule #53: Know what you SUCK at & hire someone to compensate. I am bad with costumes, so some Co-EP must have Vogue subscription.

Showrunner Rule #54: Watching shatty director’s cuts enough to drive one to seppuku.

Get someone to “warm up” cut before you get into bay.

Showrunner Rule #55 (failed): If you write a character BALD, but cast an actor w/ hair, someone WILL shave his head… unless you stop them.

Showrunner Rule #56: Streaming full season drops are great for core viewers and hard as shit on a show.

The moment episodes are out, writers/crew/actors are on an unnamable deadline to try and satisfy the desire for what comes next.

Showrunner Rule #57: In Magnum PI days they’d shoot eps in 12 days. Now, 8. Yet, IMO, TV is much better. Tech & perception of medium are why*.

*For the foreseeable future - in the world of the virus - shoot days are going up even as production value suffers.

Showrunner Rule #58: Pretty much everything after, “You’re going to have to concept off a beat sheet” is your fault. Director now blameless.

Showrunner Rule #59: 1st season, absolutely do not go over budget on eps 101–106. Prove to them that you are understand the fiduciary part of your job early and they'll give you a lot more leeway later.

Showrunner Rule #60: Shows have a pattern of in (stage days) and out (locations) days. The number of out days dictates how much of the real world you see.

Showrunner Rule #61: Even if the guest actor in the scene has ALL the lines, remind the director... the scene is about YOUR characters... specifically YOUR character's reaction to whatever the guest character is saying in all those lines.

Showrunner Rule #62: The “lower level” exec you’re thinking about crapping on will soon run the network. Not might, will. Never forget this.

Showrunner Rule #63 (1of2): Seasons of a pilot. June-Sept; selling. Oct-Dec; writing. Jan-April; Shooting/Editing. May; pickups. Rinse & repeat. Rule 63 is for network pilots. Cable pilots… not on a annual schedule*.

This is ALL about to be turned upside down. My prediction...

Showrunner Rule #63 (2of2): ...starting 2021 and for the foreseeable future, network TV seasons will start in mid January and run through July 4th. Shorter seasons with pilots shot in the fall not the spring.

Showrunner Rule #64: Turn in script Thursday, they read Friday & YOU work (do notes) on weekend. Turn in Friday… THEY work weekend. :) Then again… you’re likely working the weekend anyway (sigh).

Showrunner Rule #65: Must know what’s in BOTH parts of your budget; the pattern (budget per ep) & “amort” (budget for season), because “amort” budget is the nefarious hiding place of the hidden costs that take money off the screen.

Showrunner Rule #66: Your first draft will have the speech that says everything exactly as it is. Your second draft should find a way to address the “as it is” in an image or gesture. Your final draft should remember to take the “as is” speech and pull out as much as possible.

Showrunner Rule #67: Coffee shop drink not only better then free show drink, but chance to see the sky & pause before killing off character.

Showrunner Rule #68: Notes call set for 4 will be pushed to 4:20, won’t start until 4:23 & small talk means 1st note isn’t given ’til 4:26. Delay based on rule #68 will cause you to get stuck in Friday traffic, adding a 1/2 hour to commute home.

Showrunner Rule #69: Keep #noteslingo de jour OUT of the “room”. “Hang a lantern on it.” “Lean in moment.” Submit your own…

Showrunner Rule #70: Typically pilot has at least 2X budget of a regular episode and yet often… not nearly as good. Learning curve’s a bitch.

Showruner Rule #71: Cue spotting an art. Big believer viewer should feel the sad BEFORE sad cue starts, not let sad cue manipulate feeling. Meaning , “I’m sorry to say, Carl is dead” & NOW cue kicks in. Before… viewer sees the sad coming.

Showrunner Rule #71 Addendum: Though, honestly, sometimes you fuck up the narrative so badly that you have no choice but to cheat.

Showrunner Rule #72 (1of2): Sex on TV is not about sex. Frankly, can’t think of a TV sex scene that was a turn on. TV sex is about #1 plot (Oh, A is fucking B), #2 intrigue (A is fucking B’s wife/husband/horse) or...

Showrunner Rule #72 (2of2): ...#3 altered relationship (powerful A is passive when fucking B interesting.).

Want sexy sex? Make your own.

Showrunner Rule #73: You’re treated better than others on set, which means you don’t REALLY know truth.

Have COEP who gets honest skinny.

And make it ok for Co-Ep to tell you when you fucked up.

Showrunner Rule #74: Hierarchy of set memorialized on call sheet. Star is #1, 2nd lead is #2, all the way to, say, day player #15. Great actors take #1 as a sign they’re the leader. Insecure actors use it as the excuse to act like the diva.

Showrunner Rule #75: When prod designer shows model, ask “Do we have hallway for 30 sec walk-&-talk?”

If answer is “no”… get more hallway.

Also ask, “Where’s the area, once I blown my extras budget, I get my 2 shot with scope?”

Showrunner Rule #76: When initial one-line comes out, make sure emotionally taxing scenes not 1st Mon, last Fri or any day right after lunch.

Showrunner Rule #77 (succeeded): Don’t throttle reviewer who admits she actually liked show, but gave it “bitchy-bad” review ’cause it’s her “personae”.

Showrunner Rule #78: Audience will shut off TV 2 seconds after major conflict is solved. Got your “killer” at minute 38 as opposed to minute 41? Go back and re-break.

Showrunner Rule #79: LOVE your pilot ’cause average time (net) from 1st idea to 1st ep is 16 months (cable is LONGER).

Showrunner Rule #80: Writing INT. FULL AUDITORIUM is writing INT. $12,500 in 250 extras at +$50 a head. Locations have budget consequences*.

*And in this current pandemic, you're not shooting anything in a full auditorium anyway.