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So you've probably heard that some aspecs have sex and others don't but you might not know that asexual spectrum folx have terms for this
so let's talk about what it means to be sex repulsed, sex favorable, and sex-neutral
so let's talk about what it means to be sex repulsed, sex favorable, and sex-neutral
One of the most confusing things about learning that you are on the asexual spectrum if you enjoy sex is that some aces do, in fact, like sex, or sexual pleasure even if it's not with another person. There are aces who have a drive for sexual pleasure.
But I hear you already - wait, aren't asexuals supposed to not like sex? Isn't that what asexuality is? Well, no; this is a misconception. Asexuality isn't about being abstinent from sex, or celibacy, though there are aces who choose this. It's about a lack of attraction.
Asexuality = no sexual attraction.
Demisexuality = attraction ONLY under a select circumstance of a close emotional bond, not necessarily a romantic bond. Sometimes thought of as a kind of graysexuality.
Gray asexuality or Graysexuality (aka Gray Ace) = rare sexual attraction.
Demisexuality = attraction ONLY under a select circumstance of a close emotional bond, not necessarily a romantic bond. Sometimes thought of as a kind of graysexuality.
Gray asexuality or Graysexuality (aka Gray Ace) = rare sexual attraction.
The thing is... none of these actually say anything about sexual pleasure, or the drive for it, or whether or not someone has that drive. It's about attraction. While your sexual attraction will likely affect your sex drive, your romantic attraction can affect where/ if you want
sexual pleasure with another person too, largely because being sexually active in a relationship is expected. Or, you might also have no romantic attraction but find yourself enjoying sexual stimuli with a partner or on your own time.
This can be especially confusing because it's like, wait, I thought I wasn't having sexual attraction, is this what's happening when I like sex? Or wait, I thought I had sexual attraction, but it turns out I don't actually have that but just let things go that way and like it?
Or maybe instead someone realizes that they like everything leading up to sex - but have no interest in the act itself, or feel neutral towards it and have done it to please a partner, but have felt uncertain about themselves. what is going on?
Liking sexual stimuli & arousal doesn't necessarily mean you have sexual attraction. And if you're aspec and you've been in pleasurable sexual situations before, this can feel like you've become a starburst - a walking contradiction of identities.
This is one of the ways that heteronormativity, specifically allonormativity, hurts asexual spectrum folx; the expectation is to be sexual, so the person is sexual, and then regrets it or feels like they're letting their partner down if they admit they're confused about their
attraction / identity. Additionally, partners of aspecs may feel hurt if the person doesn't want sex necessarily, especially if this is a high priority in a relationship. They expected this closeness - and now it's just not there, or they're not sure when it will be.
If your partner comes to you and says "hey, I think I'm on the asexual spectrum", it's important to note this is not about you. This is not a personal statement about you. This is not something you did wrong. This is literally not about you at all.
Your partner is coming to you with very personal information. Please respect that and, if you want the relationship to continue and sex is a priority to you, you have to talk to your partner about your needs. Maybe that is a need for you and it's not one that can be met.
It is never, ever, ever, EVER okay to hold the relationship hostage for sex. This is coercion. This is abuse. If you absolutely need sex in a relationship and your partner is telling you they want nothing to do with it, and you guilt them about that, you are an asshole.
Communicating and being honest with your partner about your relationship needs is key in any relationship, especially when discussing things like sex & sexual intimacy. Sometimes people who really like each other don't line up. It happens. Communicate.
Moving on.
Moving on.
Maybe your partner is neutral towards sex, or even positive, and you can both communicate your needs and meet a compromise. Every relationship is different. Now that we've gotten out of the way why this experience can be confusing but attraction =/= action, let's do terms.
A sex favorable, sometimes called sex positive, aspec is a person who identifies on the asexual spectrum but still enjoys sexual activity, stimuli, and the act of sex. This person may be okay with having sex or may not. Never assume.
A sex neutral aspec is someone who is neutral towards sex, and may have it with their partner to satisfy their partner's need for sexual intimacy. They don't' have strong feelings towards it either way, and so are trying to fulfill their partner's needs.
TW for sexual assault/rape
Coercion and rape can and definitely does happen to aspecs. If you are ever unsure if your partner wants sex, even if you are in the middle of the act, stop and ask. If you hold sex up as something that must be done to save the relationship and
Coercion and rape can and definitely does happen to aspecs. If you are ever unsure if your partner wants sex, even if you are in the middle of the act, stop and ask. If you hold sex up as something that must be done to save the relationship and
TW sexaul assault/rape
therefore something your partner must do to prove they love you, this is coercion, which is a form of sexual assault. If your partner is neutral towards sex or does not want sex, you cannot have sex with them and prove to them that sex is good or
therefore something your partner must do to prove they love you, this is coercion, which is a form of sexual assault. If your partner is neutral towards sex or does not want sex, you cannot have sex with them and prove to them that sex is good or
TW sexual assault/rape
cure them in this way. This is called corrective rape. You cannot have force sex on someone and expect their orientation to change. This is corrective rape. Even if your partner is sex positive aspec. You cannot "cure" someone of their aspec identity.
cure them in this way. This is called corrective rape. You cannot have force sex on someone and expect their orientation to change. This is corrective rape. Even if your partner is sex positive aspec. You cannot "cure" someone of their aspec identity.
A sex repulsed aspec is someone who wants nothing to do with sex. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. They may still want to express intimacy in other ways, but sex is off the table. Period. No exceptions.
These are all ways to be aspec.
These are all ways to be aspec.
If your partner comes to you and says that they're aspec, and you feel that sex is a need for you in a relationship, it is important to know how your partner feels about sex and what you can do so both of you can have your needs met.
It can be uncomfortable to communicate your needs, or to realize that a relationship may be compatible romantically but not sexually. It's okay to realize that. It's okay to realize that a relationship isn't right for you for these reasons.
These are all ways to be aspec. A sex favorable aspec is just as aspec as someone who has no interest in ever having sex. Sexual attraction and action are not the same things, and to assume so asks for people to perform their orientation to your standard.
If your partner comes to you and says that they’re aspec, and you feel that sex is a need for you in a relationship, it is important to know how your partner feels about sex and what you can do so both of you can have your needs met.
It can be uncomfortable to communicate your needs, or to realize that a relationship may be compatible romantically but not sexually. It’s okay to realize that. It’s okay to realize that a relationship isn’t right for you for these reasons.
If your partner comes out to you as being aspec, the best thing you can do for them is to learn all about it. Remember to be honest with your needs and see if there are ways you can meet them and have them meet you.
Remember, there are as many ways to be aspec as there are aspecs. How you and your partner navigate your needs is up to you and your partner. Be honest, don’t compromise, don’t coerce your partner into compromise, and learn about the asexual spectrum.
The information is out there, I promise.
I've also just expanded on this on medium: https://medium.com/@secretladyspider/sex-and-asexuality-the-different-ways-asexuals-may-engage-in-sexual-relationships-and-why-bb581f75e901
If you like this, please consider supporting me on patreon for advocacy & videos on pop culture and mental health: http://patreon.com/secretladyspider
Oh and i'm on youtube: main channel - http://youtube.com/secretladyspider
Vlog channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCixGSdNJlbAl15qtL-WzYlA?disable_polymer=true&nv=1
Vlog channel - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCixGSdNJlbAl15qtL-WzYlA?disable_polymer=true&nv=1
Oh look it's a summary of this whole thread as a meme https://twitter.com/aspecpositivity/status/1280172733024829440?s=20
