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OK, watching Escape From LA (1996) for the first time ever. Yeesh. This is just so awful for me. It’s like when Hardee’s double-downed on how unhealthy their food was and made their sandwiches bigger. 
I’m gonna drink every time “Snake” whisper-threats someone. 
What’s most unbelievable about this sweat-sock of a movie is that NONE of the bad guys ever say to Snake, “What?! I couldn’t make out what you said. You talk real low and raspy, bro! ... HUH?!”
Now Steve Buscemi shows up dressed like Jim Carrey in The Mask, but talking like Steve Buscemi in future Steve Buscemi movies. This is hard to process. (More drinks)
Every actor back in the headquarters monitoring Snake’s mission delivers their lines like their gunnin’ for a spot in the trailer.
Look, if you love Escape From LA, I won’t fault you. You just had a different relationship with 1996 than I did. But I make no apologies for my comments on this Duran Duran video gone horribly wrong.
This won’t shock you, but need a quick post-apocalyptic set? Burn shit in barrels. Works every time. 
Snake has to play basketball. 
There’s like 30 seconds too much explanation on the rules by bad guy Cuervo Jones. Look, Cuervo... maybe spend some of that time explaining your ridiculous name.
There’s like 30 seconds too much explanation on the rules by bad guy Cuervo Jones. Look, Cuervo... maybe spend some of that time explaining your ridiculous name.
Let me drive this home... Snake has to... play... basketball. In this movie. Sigh. 
And let me drive THIS home. His name is... Snake. Snake Plissken. Fuck you 1996 for making this possible.
Ahhh, finally... something I can really sink my teeth into with this story... impromptu post-apocalyptic surfing in a snakeskin sleeveless onesie wearing boots.
(With a bullet in his thigh, I might add) 
Time to say something positive about this. I really like the Bajoran lady.
Oh hot stinking cat sick, Snake is hang gliding in!?
A huge fucking snake-bat thing comes in from above, silhouetted in the night sky and not one of these bastards can put him out of my misery?!
Kiss my ass, 1990s John Carpenter!
OK, it’s down to the last 15 minutes of this pooper-scooper and I’m feeling hopeful the end will be worth the mental anguish I’ve gone through. Place your bets!
Chopper crash, check. Fake toxin, check. Whispery threats, check. The music is building....
Wait... side note. Stacey Keach had a ponytail?! 
“What’s that Snake? Speak up! Can’t hear ya, brah!”
There is apparently some big attack going down via walkie-talkie...?
Oh man, Snake just Luke Skywalker hologrammed his way out of a firing squad. Then he whispered something (I didn’t catch what he said)... then did some Hackers shit. I guess this the end?
“He shut down the Earth...” Like so what? He doesn’t give a shit. What’s he need TV for? He’s too busy surfing with bullet wounds.
Credits are rolling. What a movie. Thanks Escape From LA... you’ve given me lots to drink about.
