1/ Ok, folks, I've been saving a good story up for you. Ready? It's Abandoned America and the Mystery of the Yaying Lady. Here goes:

2/ Maybe 3-4 months ago we got some new neighbors in the house next to ours. I found this out bc I could hear the woman outside on their deck saying "Yaaaay!" over & over in a loud, high-pitched voice, with different intonations as though she was really trying to explore the word

3/ This happened multiple times a day, every few hours. I could hear it early in the morning from my bedroom, in the afternoon from my office, in the evening from my kitchen. "YAAAAAAAY! YaaaaaAaay! YAAAaaay!"

AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN.

4/ She would say other singsongy stuff I couldn't make out and sing really loudly and, truth be told, really badly. It really was starting to grate on my nerves after a few weeks. Why was she doing this? Was she... like... not all there? WHAT IN LIFE NEEDS THAT MANY YAYS

5/ Two things to know about me: really loud noises like that annoy the life out of me, and so do things I can't figure out. It was really driving me nuts - WHY was she doing this? My wife thought maybe she was using an iPad to talk to a baby or something. But why that often?

6/ Just when it seems it can't get much stranger we realize one of the words she's been saying is pancakes. "YAAAAAAAY PANCAKES! YAY!"

There goes the baby theory? These must be some good f***ing pancakes, I remark to my wife. I mean just the best.

7/ We see the woman on the street. She's in her early 20s. Looks normal enough.

"That's her? Yay Pancakes Lady?" I ask. "That's her," my wife replies. We don't want to be rude and stare but there's got to be a clue so we both try to look without being obvious & likely fail.

8/ Time passes. Many more yays go by. One day my wife is out working in the garden and comes in and says triumphantly, "IT'S HER DOG."

"What?" I ask, not sure what she's talking about.

"PANCAKES IS HER DOG."

9/ It takes me a second to get this because it's kind of nonsense without context. But yeah, apparently their new dog's name is Pancakes, which is pretty goddamn adorable, and she's training it to go in the yard. And singing it songs, as one does for their pet.

10/ I still hear her out there all the time but the annoyance factor has gone way down. This morning, for example, she was loudly telling Pancakes "That's a fine poop! You made a fine poop!" and yeah, that's my life now. Yay Pancakes indeed.

FIN

11/ EPILOGUE: When I was a kid I had a golden retriever named Sneakers & when he escaped I imagine I inspired the same befuddlement as I walked the neighborhood yelling "Sneakers!" again and again. "They're right there on your feet, kid," I always expected someone to say.