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My therapist told me something recently thats way more helpful than it seemed at first:
Stop trying to understand why people act how they act or are how they are. Deal w. the action/behavior, not their history. What matters isn’t how you got here, what matters is HERE.
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Stop trying to understand why people act how they act or are how they are. Deal w. the action/behavior, not their history. What matters isn’t how you got here, what matters is HERE.
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Obviously she’s not talking about systemic oppression or anger, or about abandoning compassion.
But on GOD, how many abusive people have I let stay in my life bc I understood why they were jerks? How much bad behavior have I excused? How much “insecurity” have I been hurt by?
But on GOD, how many abusive people have I let stay in my life bc I understood why they were jerks? How much bad behavior have I excused? How much “insecurity” have I been hurt by?
Therapist says we waste a real lot of time trying to understand why others do what they do, when really, it doesn’t matter. Not as much as we think it does. If someone hurts you, they hurt you. That’s the part that matters when it comes to healing.
Obviously, we should care about the lives of others and people do make mistakes. But we don’t heal by saying “Aw that was a mistake, I know,” we heal by saying “I got hurt, and deserve to heal, and don’t need to waste my energy trying to understand why you hurt me.”
Gone are the days where I let bad behavior go. Gone is my patience for folks who play fast and loose with my feelings or my narrative. Nope. Bye. I don’t care why you’re a jerk; I care THAT you’re a jerk; I want it to stop; I don’t need to understand your life story to move on.
Again: this isn’t abandoning empathy. This is saying: WHY DO WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME TRYING TO COME UP WITH REASONS WHY OTHER PEOPLE HAVE HURT US? Why do we try to rationalize our abusers? Our bullies?
Compassion matters but so does reclaiming your own space and story. Not theirs.
Compassion matters but so does reclaiming your own space and story. Not theirs.
Therapist challenged me to stop accepting people treating me badly by rationalizing:
They didn’t mean it!
They’ve been hurt before!
Their life is hard/traumatic!
They need help!
They’re just insecure!
They hurt me because of XYZ in their childhood!
ENOUGH.
They didn’t mean it!
They’ve been hurt before!
Their life is hard/traumatic!
They need help!
They’re just insecure!
They hurt me because of XYZ in their childhood!
ENOUGH.
Don’t waste your time trying to imbue good intentions or humanity or reasoning onto people who wronged you. It won’t heal you. Might diminish your anger but if & only if you can clearly say: You really hurt me & it doesn’t matter why, though I understand how your life shaped you.
I’ve stopped feeling bad for calling out bad behavior in my life. I’ve stopped trying to find reasons to diminish my hurt so that someone else gets a free pass or a softer story than the one they’ve given me. I deserve a lot better. You do too.
So: stop trying to understand the past. Yours or anyone else’s. Try to understand the present, & locate where it hurts, & begin the work of healing. Don’t walk forward looking backward AND at someone else’s road. Be on your own side. You deserve that much.
Happy Friday, y’all
Happy Friday, y’all
