I've mentioned this before, but when I was in 4th grade, I missed quite a bit of school because we had back-to-back hurricanes in Florida that year. Schools were closed for at least a month. I also missed a lot of school because I was sick a lot.

I didn't have a super great home life as a kid, and I absolutely LOVED school. I loved my teachers, loved seeing my friends, loved learning, as nerdy as that is (I am a teacher now, after all). Missing school was not fun for me.

I also had a teacher die when I was in school.

My APUSH teacher died within the first few months of the school year. It was... just horrible. He was incredibly renowned in my school, one of the most revered teachers and truly passionate about his subject. It was a devastating loss for the entire school.

On top of being a lot to handle emotionally, even as a high schooler with a little bit more maturity, it had a huge impact on my education. The school had to scramble to find someone to fill his shoes. We had subs for a long time.

When we finally got another teacher, we were already more than a month behind in curriculum. We never caught up. That specific AP test was incredibly stressful that year, and I don't think any of my classmates (high-ranking IB diploma candidates) felt confident about it.

The next year, I took an IB history class with another very renowned teacher. That year was FRUSTRATING. He was frustrated with us. We were frustrated with him. Finally, one day in class, when he asked a question that we were obviously expected to know the answer to,

We all just had to tell him, "Look, we NEVER learned this." We were his first class that had come to him without being taught by the great APUSH teacher. They had been working in tandem for so long. We had major gaps that he just....hadn't dealt with, at least not in a long time.

But more than that. More than ANYTHING else. I remember my IB history teacher eating lunch alone in his classroom. Before that year, he used to eat lunch with his history teacher buddies. One died. The other retired right after - I don't blame him.

I remember being the first one to class one day - I had history 6th period, and his lunch was right before. He was finishing up and he just looked so sad. He started putting away his things and said something to the effect of,

"Sorry, guys, I lost track of time - I used to eat with my friends, but they're all gone now."

That still upsets me to this day, more than 10 years later.

I don't really have a point here. This has just been on my mind for a while. I'm obviously coming from a place of huge privilege in that, when I did have to be out of school whether for sickness or natural disaster, while my home life wasn't flawless, I had everything I needed.

During those natural disasters? When we were out of school? I wasn't thinking about school. I was thinking about power and electricity and the fact that a screened in porch had hit our roof and ripped a hole in it, right above my bed.

If I had to go back to school during that time, I would still be thinking about those things - not math and science. "Normal" would've been counterproductive for me - it would have been stacking tasks on top of my already overwhelmed and anxious mind.

If you asked me as an adult what impacted more deeply, being out of school (we're talking months here) or having teachers die, I would tell you earnestly, honestly, that my teacher dying was MUCH worse for me in the long term.

How many teachers are going to die from the coronavirus as a result of going back to school too soon? How many lives are going to be impacted NEEDLESSLY? Some things we cannot change. People die. It happens.

But if we can PREVENT that actual, literal death, and take precautions to keep people, children and their teachers and principals and cafeteria ladies and bus drivers alike... why AREN'T we? Why isn't that our NUMBER 1 priority? I don't get it.

And people will die if school goes back in session. It's not an if. It's a statistical fact. It's a question of how many are we willing to sacrifice?

I'm not questioning that some kids would be better off if they were back at school, whether that's because of food insecurity or abuse or just straight up mental health. But I'm sorry, it is not up to the school system to assuage the fallout of cyclical poverty.

It's also not up to the school system to provide childcare. It's not up to the school system to "take one for the team" in order to support... the economy? What? No.

I wish it was safe for me to be back in my classroom. I LOVE my classroom. I don't want to "get out of" teaching (VIRTUAL TEACHING IS 10 TIMES MORE WORK). I want to protect my health and my life. I don't want to be somebody's teacher that died and that's what they remember.