New Thread:

Over the last few days the father, since reunited with Idiot Son (he may or may not be happy about that) has been pursuing a tactic of trying to persuade various institutions to allow him an exemption from Brexit. He started with the EU and felt I should know.
Why he felt I would be in any way interested after last weeks debacle is beyond me. He in particular likes to have my feedback on his emails before he sends them.

His key point is always the same, this is not the Brexit he voted for and someone else is to blame.
He asked who to contact at "them EU lot" I said never a bad idea to start at the top and suggested Ursula von der Leyen.

He asked if he is a Brit. I had to explain that she is a woman and no Brits still work at the EU as the UK had left the EU. This seemed to surprise him
He asked me if the Brits who had worked at the EU had all lost their jobs. I said well certainly the MEPs like Farage had.

"Nigel Farage !, They sacked him after all he did for Britain. That is a disgrace"
I explained that as the UK was no longer a member of the EU it of course no longer has political representation there.

This he said was "typical of the EU, they are punishing Britain because of Brexit"
He then asked me if I thought Boris Johnson would be a good person to contact.

"Couldn't do any harm" I said. He asked me what I thought the chances were of a meeting with the PM,
"Slim" I said.
He said he had already written to him once via the Number 10 website but had yet to receive a reply.

He seemed surprised by this.

He also let slip that idiot son suggested they "just turn at Number 10 up and put him straight"
I advised against the direct approach (men with guns etc) but I think he was seriously considering it. He then went back to the EU people.

What did I think was the chance of a meeting in Brussels or would they come to him ?
I said I felt the likelihood of Ursula von der Leyen jumping on the Eurostar and coming over for a visit to him was on balance "not high".

He asked if it would make a difference that his father had an OBE for services to farming. I said regretfully it would probably not.
I suggested he try to contact Nigel Farage, after all he has been at the centre of this for some time. He said he,

"Didn't like to bother Nigel, he's a very busy man"
He asked me about the "becoming French stuff".

Would he need to live in France to get it, I said that yes the French tend to like people to show a level of commitment to France before giving citizenship.

"Typical", he said " I want a passport not all the red tape"
"Well you used to have a passport that gave you what you wanted but you voted to give it up" I said.

He wasn't convinced,

"It's the bloody EU making everything difficult, that's why I need to meet with someone there and get it sorted. I paid good money for that house"
WhatsApp message from the boss of Idiot Son,

"Just so you know he has spoke about nothing else since he got back. Did he really beat up a Gendarme ?"
I said there had indeed been an altercation with a Gendarme but no he not been the winner,

"Just as we all thought - plank"
This may be a problem, the father is asking if I would be willing to visit Brussels with him to "sort this out"

First question I had,
"Will your son be coming over as well?"

Long pause

"Probably, why do you ask?"
I just casually mentioned this request to my wife.

She gave me one of 'those' looks.
Dog Update

He's caught a frog and has bought it into the house, now there is a frog in the living room under the small sofa.

The wife has decided this is my fault for some reason.
WhatsApp from idiot son,

"Did someone at my work ask you about the stuff we had we the French police"

"Do you mean when you got pepper sprayed, fell on the floor and arrested?" I said

"I don't remember it that way, it was more 50/50"
Email from father, he wants to know if I have any "connections" in Brussels being as how I speak French.

I said yes all French speakers globally know one another.

The sarcasm obviously passed him by because he replied,
"Good that will be helpful"
Wife reading over my shoulder,

"Are you working or on Twitter again"

<hides twitter page quickly>

"Working dear" <big smile> receive frosty suspicious look in return and much muttering.
WhatsApp message from idiot son's boss.

"I thought you might like to know he was arguing with one of the other fitters about his trip and he now he's run over a cat"
Turns out it was a bundle of rags.

No cat injuries.
WhatsApp from idiot son,

"Out with the boys tonight for a few bevvies. Bring them up to speed on our adventure"

'Our' adventure ?
I could not resist asking,

"Will Darren be with you?"

Seems he will. That might have consequences.
I also asked him if he was still worried about being made French against his will.

He said he was,
"keeping an eye on that stuff."
An email from the father that came earlier today and I missed it.

He asking me if he could get a French passport, "over the internet"
Overnight a number of messages from idiot son

1am - We showed them
1.23am - Are you there Dave?" (my name is not Dave)
2.04am - How far to France from here?
2.27am - I have a new girlfriend
3.07am - Yp have no idea wha I will be doing
At lunchtime he texted me,

"Did I send you messages last night, if I did would you pass them on to the right people"
Idiot son's wife has discovered text messages from his "new girlfriend". He's asking me what I think he should do.
Long rambling overnight email from the father (possibly written while drunk)

He's quoting habeas corpus, the US Constitution, the Conservative party manifesto and Macbeth.

Plus he's back on his "It's not fair and I want compensation" line again.
Follow up email.

"Ignore last email, that was intended for the House of Lords"
Dog Update

The dog is in the pool being chased by a duck.
Just had text message from idiot son's wife demanding that I and my wife,

"Tell her everything about this girl he's met" because if she founds out he's been cheating she will,

"Do time for him if needed"
Ladies and Gentleman, there comes a point where events align so beautifully that it suggests the hand of a higher power or at the very least Nietzsche.

I have in the last three minutes just discovered that idiot son's wife is Darren's sister.
Idiot son WhatsApp message,

"You have to cover for me with the wife. I can handle her but Darren is a bit tasty and will give me a kicking if he finds out"
Well I suppose there was a certain inevitability to this but I sighed when I read it.

The father has emailed me asking for help in "becoming French and all that"
Weekend email from father:

Did I think France would give him compensation if he has to change his right hand drive car to a left hand drive one for living in France. As he said,

"After all it is a Renault and that's French"

I suggested he write directly to Pres. Macron.
I asked him what he thought of the £705 million the UK was going to have to spend on the EU border infrastructure

"Well it's typical of the EU to cause these problems, they could have simply let Britain continue with the present arrangements but instead they had to be difficult"
I said surely this is the result of the UK choosing to leave the Customs Union,

"O no" he said "The UK was pushed out by Brussels" Seems he saw an article on the Brexit Party website that,

"explained it all"
They have had a big falling out in the family. Father is pushing for French passports but idiot son is opposed. He said, "
If we become French all sorts of things might happen"

It's not clear what he's nervous of, maybe an improved dinner experience ?
Dog Update"

Wife calling from kitchen to say,

"Your dog has made a terrible mess"

It used to be 'our' dog.
WhatsApp from idiot son.

"If we do this becoming French stuff will I have to join the French Army?"

I assured him he was not what the military of France and the Armée de terre in particular was seeking in any future soldier.
The death of irony in one message

Email from father (who let me remind you voted for Brexit)

"All this bloody fuss because people didn't take the time to research Brexit properly. The British Government needs to get this sorted"
He also sent me a text message,

"This 'let's get going' PR campaign from the government today is a bit meaningless. They need to do better than that to ensure a fair Brexit"

He still doesn't get it.
My wife has had an email from the idiot son's mother.

"It's ridiculous how long this has dragged on for. We were never told this about Brexit and I don't think we should suffer because of it. Please ask your husband to help where can"
My wife (a woman given to a succinct turn of phrase) has replied.

I asked her not to, I recommended words to use, I suggested tact and diplomacy, I reminded her these are our neighbours, I explained how so many had been fooled and manipulated over Brexit. She went her own way
From my wife to the mother, 1/2

"You people deserve all all that is happening to you. You were told the truth and you ignored the truth, you voted for Brexit, you allowed your racism to let you justify your vote. My husband has kept your son out of prison. I am sick of you...
.. all. How much more do we have to do for you ? Your country has become a laughing stock around the world. We French are laughing at you, the Germans are laughing at you, even the Belgians are laughing at you. You have as you British say, made your bed now sleep in it.
Following that email, she went upstairs changed her shoes, and came back to my study.

"I am now ready for you to take me to lunch"

We are off to lunch. Goodbye everybody.
WhatsApp from idiot son.

"Mum and Dad arguing again. No idea what about"
Lunch update.
A wonderful warm (30 degrees) sunny day here in the Dordogne. Lunch was

A Duck breast salad with a local dressing and a glass of Pinot Gris (wife)
Cheese omelette with a green salad and a glass of Pinot Blanc (self)
Coffee for both with a slice of walnut cake.
So I just looked at my wife's laptop and the mother has replied.

"I thunk you are very rude and I shall not be speaking with you again. The only way that Brexit will work for everyone is if we all pull together. I await your apology"
I watch my wife read this, she gave her characteristic laugh of derision followed by the words,
"Casse-toi !".

She then promptly went to change before going for a swim. She is swimming up and down the pool laughing and telling the dog that the British are all mad.
WhatsApp message from idiot son.

"Mum is pretty upset, you are going to need to get your wife to apologise other we will not be able to move this project to a successful conclusion"

I have no idea why he has started writing like a second rate management consultant
I said he should assume an apology will not be forthcoming.

So this is weird, clearly somebody else is writing WhatsApp messages for him,

"It's not like we need to boil the ocean here but I think if we all move as one and hold the feet to the fire of those who are roadblocks we can bring this home with a win/win"
The mother has just sent my wife a follow up email which reads,

"I'M WAITING !' with an image of somebody pointing at a watch.

My wife has not seen that email ......... yet.
My wife has just sat down at her laptop, she is scrolling through messages.

The tension is killing me, even the dog looks worried.
I am watching this out of the corner of my eye, she had adopted her 'Zen like' yoga pose on the chair.

This is not a good sign, this warns of imminent eruption.
It sometimes takes my wife time to compose emails in English but this time she really made an effort. She wrote it quite fast and with some level of violence toward the keyboard but she remained in a state that I like to call,
'Aggressive bliss'. She pressed send. It said,
"You will never receive an apology from me. If you come near me when you next visit I will happily drown you. You are the architect of your own destruction and too stupid to understand why. Your husband lacks intellectual capability, your son lacks capability of any kind......
... your self imposed suffering has been one of the few benefits from Brexit we have all enjoyed here in the area. Your pathetic inability to accept responsibility is the mark of perfidious Albion throughout the history of France."
Over night email from the father:

"This has all got out of hand"

I'm not sure if he's referring to the email from my wife or Brexit in general.
Rather overcast here at home this morning but getting warmer. Not sure if I want to respond to the father or not. Am going to go off and have a river swim to clear my head.
I am now ignoring them but both father and idiot son continue to send emails and WhatsApp messages.

The son sent one overnight to remind me I should tell my wife to apologise to his mother. He clearly has not read my wife's email.
Either way I am doing nothing for them today. We have a number of celebrations, both town and friends so we are leaving soon to get those started. As usual the local fire station will be open, there will be a firework display and we are having a social distanced BBQ tonight.
Small hangover this morning:

Eleven emails from the father, of which numbers 2-11 are basically

"why haven't you replied to my first email"

Six WhatsApp messages from idiot son that are all a variation on the theme of,

"Help !!!"
Unrelated side comment:

Idiot son has sent me a lengthy article from some US Far Right nutjob explaining why wearing face masks is "unconstitutional"

I am not in any way surprised to discover he opposes the wearing of face masks, of course he does.
Have just taken my wife breakfast in bed. Have realised her hangover is worse than mine. She peered over the sheet and said,

"Mnnn head brrrrrrrst sosing"
The email from the father sent yesterday said,

"You would not believe what I have seen on the French embassy website, it' is soooo complicated to become French." I replied
“I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. "
O Christ this is delicious, he clearly does not recognise that quote and instead asked me,

"I'm so sorry, was that during your time in Iraq? Thank you for your service"
Have decided to ride this horse a little longer so replied to him,

"I've known adventures, seen places you people will never see, I've been Offworld and back… frontiers! I've stood on the back deck of a blinker bound for the Plutition Camps.....
"....with sweat in my eyes watching stars fight on the shoulder of Orion... I’ve felt wind in my hair, riding test boats off the black galaxies and seen an attack fleet burn like a match and disappear. I've seen it, felt it."
There have been times during this adventure when I have been surprised at the level of ignorance shown by this family but I think the WhatsApp message I just received from the Idiot Son may well be a new high. He said he had just seen my email to his father and wrote saying.....
"Is the Tannhauser Gate that big one in Baghdad made up of someone's hands and arms ?"
"Yes" I said, "Yes it is"

I said it was designed by famed Arabic architect Zhora Salome.
Dog Update:

He was barking at passing birds. I told him to stop it so now he's sitting next to my chair growling at them instead.

Birds seem pretty relaxed about this.
So this should be interesting. Email from the father,

"Now that we can travel again we are coming over to sort out the sale of our house. We will see you next week"

Just off to let my wife know.
Side comment:

Just ordered a Tesla X as a replacement for my wife's Land Rover Discovery. We have told the dog, he seems quite pleased about it. Told our youngest daughter, she was indifferent.
So I let my wife know they were coming over. She seemed strangely calm. She said,

"We must give them the right welcome"
WhatsApp from idiot son,

"We're all really pissed of with the way the French has tried to push us around. We are going to sell the house there...

... and buy one in Spain"
I just told my wife about the Spain decision. She laughed so hard and for so long the dog came in to see what the fuss was about. She described him as,

"Tête de noeud"
It seems they are looking at the Málaga region because,

"It's got a great British community there" and they are sick of "foreigners and all that"
WhatsApp from idiot son,

"I told that Mayor he couldn't push my family around. We won't have to put up with any of that EU nonsense in Spain"
Tempted though I was to let them just get on with it I thought it only fair to let them know the situation in Spain will be the same as the one they find themselves when here.

Idiot son said,
"That is just typical of the EU, always trying to make things difficult for us Brits"
Dog Update:

His dog friend is back. We still have no idea where he comes from but he clearly likes our swimming pool.
WhatsApp from idiot son,

"I've been doing some research. Did you know these EU rules apply in every EU country? Bastards !"
I asked the idiot son if he was coming over next week as well, he said,

"Nah, I gave that lot a chance but as soon as they realised I was right they called in the cops, I had to give the cop a slap"

I think he's forgotten I was in the room
Idiot son has added me to a WhatsApp private group called, "Expat Patriots 4 Brexit"
Hat tip here to @UndisputedRev for the idea.

My wife has just bought a massive EU flag on Amazon
(€24.48 reduced from €29.97)

We are going to fly it outside the house for when neighbours arrive next week.
My wife has just reminded me of something that I had forgotten. The idiot son erected a flagpole at their house last year because he wanted to fly the UK flag. The flag pole is currently unused.

We have ordered a second EU flag.
Look what I have found on amazon -EU bunting !
Overnight email from the father,

"We were all upset to learn about Spain being just like France with this EU stuff. It's really unfair how they treat us just like any other country. There is no respect for Britain with these EU people, they need to remember better"
I asked him what it was the EU needed to "remember better". He said,

"You know, like the war and stuff, they owe us"
I replied,

"The Korean war?"
"No" he said, "You know WW2, if it wasn't for us those Europeans would be speaking German."

I said, "Well the Germans, Austrians, Swiss and some Belgians speak German"
The reference to some Belgians speaking German seemed to confuse him because he replied.

"I'm pretty sure the Belgians speak French."
I told him there's about 80,000 Belgians in its German region and in reality the majority language of Belgium is Vlaams.

He asked if I had "made that up"
So this is unexpected.

After initially saying no it now seems the idiot son (together with his wife) will be accompanying his parents next week because in his words,

"I know how to work with those people"

I called our Mayor to let him know. He laughed and laughed and laughed
WhatsApp from idiot son.

"Probably best if your wife apologies to my mother before they meet face to face. We don't need any unpleasantness while we sort things out" I said there would be no apology.

He sympathised and said, "must be difficult being married to a Frenchie"
He also said they were,
"keeping their options open" with regard to the house. Seems he still thinks his father's letters to various political leaders might result in an exception from Brexit for the family. He's sure that PM Johnson will,
"Do us right"
Off topic

Have just learnt my wife is making Pissaladière for this evening. Now the issue is what wine to go with that ?

A Chablis is the obvious choice but which one .....?
Off to the cellar to see what we have...
Beautiful day here spoiled by WhatsApp from idiot son

"Shall we all have dinner together next week ?"
I forgot to say, after much deliberation I chose a 2007 Domaine William Fèvre Chablis Grand Cru.

Went down very well.
This could be ominous.

Told my wife about the dinner request from idiot son and not only did she say yes but suggested a restaurant run by a good friend of hers.
Message from idiot son,

"Is is true that everyone is France has to wear masks all the time?"

I said, yes, even when at home with the family and in bed.
Saw our Mayor earlier, told him of the visit.

"These people are not our people. We like British people but here an exception must be made.
The father has sent me a link to a uk government website and said,

"The EU is going to be very sorry when we leave. Lots of new opportunities for Britain to trade."

I pity him.
I will take the time over several posts to explain what has happened to the family in the past 24 hours. Let me say at the outset it is not funny and I will state just the facts
On early Saturday morning the father was contacted by his company HR.
They have made the decision to close their UK operation and move to the Netherlands to maintain their position within the EU single market and Customs Union. At the age of 59 the father has been made redundant. He is devastated, angry and scared. He knows his chances of ..
Getting another job in his field are slim to the point of impossible. Selling the house here is now an imperative

He blames the EU
I have mixed feelings about it. Yes the son is a fool but his parents are reasonable people who like many who voted for Brexit never understood what they were voting for. He's now lost his job and his retirement home because of Brexit.
He sent me an email today.

He blames the EU for "taking his job" and forcing him to sell his holiday home. He says the EU is "punishing Britain" because of Brexit.
He hopes the EU will,
"fall apart very soon" as punishment for it. He says "Brussels" is forcing his company to move and that's why he lost his job.

He thinks the EU should have given the UK everything it wanted in negotiations as that would be "fair to everyone"
I should say that he is not alone. His company is laying off a total of 34 people in the UK. 100% because of Brexit. They are moving the entire company to Rotterdam because the owner says he cannot risk a no deal Brexit.
Message from idiot son. He's angry with the EU (naturally) but also with his father's firm who he says should have, "fought back". He said they were "gutless"
Dog update

We had a BBQ this evening and he has eaten multiple sausages without us realising. He is very happy.
Has just been told,

"This is your fault"

Who knew?
Message from idiot son

"Suppose you heard about my dad losing his job and all that. Those EU scum will do anything to hurt Britain. We should take over Brussels and show them who is boss"
O Christ !

He also said that the entire family is coming over next week for,
"One last holiday" they all arrive Sunday.
This whatsapp group the idiot son included me in is beyond parody. Yesterday there was a discussion about how to reestablish the British Empire "by using the SAS"
The two large EU flags and bunting have been delivered
Off to hang the flag on the family flag pole this afternoon.

I'm sure they will like it.
I wonder if people in the UK realise that interest in Brexit for most Europeans has disappeared. For people here it's a case of,
"Stupid Brits, it's all their problem now" It no longer gets discussed or talked about. We have moved on.
They now have an EU flag on their flag pole and EU bunting between two trees in their garden.

I sent a picture of it to the idiot son with a note saying,
"When did you order this'

Awaiting his reply.
Comment from wife,

"I should say that is childish but I'm laughing too much"

She is now sending pictures to everyone in the village. First one to our Mayor.
36 degrees here. After all that work I'm going for a swim
Overnight message from idiot son,

"People who wear masks are giving in to this virus. We all need to fight back '

It's possible he has a limited understanding of epidemiology
He's not happy about the EU flags and bunting. Not happy at all.
Have said I would like to help but,

"You know, Brussels. My hands are tied"
Dog update

He's spotted a rabbit in the field. He's slowly crawling toward it.
Rabbit ran off after spotting dog.

Dog now trying to act nonchalant and pretend it was never interested
WhatsApp message from idiot son,

"If those French think they can force me to wear a mask they have another thing coming. All the lads at work say I should just tell them to sod off, I mean what can they do anyhow?"
Christ on a bike, this family is obsessed with the mask issue. Email from the father,

"Do the regulations about wearing masks in France apply to British people as well or just the French? It seems unfair that we have to wear them in the UK and in France"
I referred both son and father to a number of learned articles regarding face masks.

Father replied - "Doctors don't know everything"
Son replied - "I don't do science, too boring"
The idiot son's WhatsApp group still going strong. A popular thread is focused on their belief Nigel Farage should be Prime Minister. Described by one participant as,

"That rare thing a trustworthy politician" and by another as,
"the last hope for our sort of Britain"
Someone pointed out that Farage has never managed to get elected to Westminster. That we were told was because of,

"Zionist bankers and other enemies of the people"
A journalist is here taking photos of the bunting and flags. He asked my wife what the story was. My wife said,

"I think they are just very much in favour of the EU"
New message from idiot son. He's planning to go to his Doctor and get a note saying he's exempt from wearing a mask for 'medical reasons'. God only knows what excuse he's going to try and use.
I replied,

"Don't forget to ask the Doctor to write it in French" He wrote back to me,

"Good call, thanks. I had forgotten the French all pretend not to understand English"
Idiot son tells me his Doctor is "being difficult". He asks what I thought of him asking a French doctor when they arrive.

I said that was an excellent idea and pointed him toward a local gynécologue we have nearby.
Off topic - Lunch update.

Fresh Fig and Feta Salad with Pine Nuts, no alcohol as I have to operate a chain saw this afternoon.

Dog is tucking into a tasty bone my wife bought back from the butcher. He's making that growling 'keep back, this is mine' sound.
Bought this earlier this year - first time using it. Wife saying things like,

"You will be careful wont you?" and "have you read the manual ?"

Pffft - how hard can it be ?
We lost some of our walnut trees in a storm a few months back and I am going to be cutting them up for winter firewood.

Rest assured I have operated a chainsaw before, just not this one.
I was reading the "Expat Patriots 4 Brexit" discussion group after lunch. They have a discussion going (of course they do) on 5G technology. I've have a few run ins with these 5G people before and it's a hoot. One man things 5G will stop his car from starting in cold weather.
OK suddenly people seem very triggered.

Yes I have the protective trousers and other safety equipment.

No we do not burn all the wood, only the pieces we can't sell to furniture makers (about 30%)

Everyone happy now ?
All back now. Still have all limbs, fingers and toes. Lower regions fully functional despite rumours of 5G infiltration.

Now helping wife with preparing vegetables for dinner and considering wine choice.
We have a nice piece of steak this evening so I chose (from over the border) a 2015 Castellare di Castellina Coniale.

For pudding a Brandied Apricot Tart with vanilla ice cream.
4am Whatsapp from idiot son,

"We smashed them.... then all the crows came out.... my trousers are all blue.... shoes missing. "
28 degrees here this morning and I have two days of writing in front of me to meet my publishers deadline. Have decided to work outside on the terrace. Large pitcher of lime juice and soda to keep me going.

Right here we go ... the Battle of Chaeronea.
It seems in his last message he meant to say 'cows' not 'crows'

I'm none the wiser.
Things are becoming clearer
There was a large fight related to football for some reason in a field. The farmer broke up the fight by letting his cows into the field.
Idiot son fell into a trough that contained some sort of chemical hence blue trousers. Shoes lost at this point
He has just discovered his legs are stained blue because he slept in the trousers.

No update on lost shoes.
Other news

I'm having a Tuna salad for lunch
Seems the colour is not washing off, he wants to know if I have any suggestions.

I suggested wild garlic and lemonade.
He said that didn't work. I suggested smearing his legs with a 50/50 mix of Mayonnaise and Talcum powder.

Let's see if he goes for it.
He was bright enough to laugh at that one and said,

"Yes but seriously, nothing is working and I can't go out in shorts like this. Do you think Swafega would work ?"

"Go for it" I said.
Swafega has in his words,

"Not been as good as I had hoped"

I told him to remember the words of the Buddha,

"Life is suffering"
His mother is currently scrubbing him with a yard brush. He says it hurts.
He tells me,

"It's not great mate to be honest but it's as good as it's going to be in the circumstances. Me mum says I've always been like this"
Without thinking, when he asked me what I had been doing this week I mentioned the tree cutting with my new chain saw. He said,

"Whoo, that sounds cool, can I have a go next week."

I'm sure it will be fine.
Logging off for a few hours, have to drive into Sarlat (big town 30 mins away) to collect a picture I have had restored.
Sitting having a small drink with my picture restorer. Have told him the story of the UK family from the start. He and his wife and crying with laughter. He keeps saying,

" The English O the English"
Home now

Dinner is Oysters (Atlantic obviously) followed by Lamb chops with vegetable stir fry.
Overnight email from father

"Good to see we are heading toward a no deal Brexit, that at least is some good news"
He says he's pleased the UK is,

"Showing Brussels we are in control"
Dog update

He's chasing dragon flies around my vegetable patch.

It's possible the dragon flies are teasing him.
The father has sent me a link to a petition basically saying we should all praise Johnson for his first twelve months in office.

On balance I decided not to sign.
He followed up with,

"We all need to show our support for Boris right now when he's fighting all of the EU on his own"
BBQ tonight. Dog already pleased to see preparations as he knows this means 'scraps' will be available from the table.

He has adopted his 'under the table' prime position.
The father has confirmed the four of them will arrive,

"Around midday on Sunday"

Our Mayor has said he may well drop by at that time
2am WhatsApp from idiot son,

"We are going to paaaaaaarty !!!!!!!!!!!"

O God
Side note.

Had conversation yesterday with CEO of French aerospace company. They have just taken their last delivery from longtime UK supplier. €6 million annual contract cancelled because of Brexit. Now buying from Germany.
Temp up to 30 degrees here today. River now packed with tourists but not many British.
Spoke to local shop keeper

"Why do British people get so angry when we tell them it is the law in France to wear a mask"

I had to explain the British mindset on this.
Dog update

He is keeping a close eye on a lizard
Dog update

He never moved and the lizard never moved for what seemed like eternity and then in what was certainly a telepathic agreement both simply stood up and saunted away.

Both keen to retain 'cool points'
Just had text. They will be here in six hours

The village collectively girds its loins.
Idiot son amazingly did contact the French gynaecologist I suggested but she was,

"Really unhepfull and kept speaking French at me"
Our hens are going berserk this morning. It's like they know something
They are in the town of Bourges, the idiot son has got into an altercation with another Brit at a petrol station Says he had to,

"Sort him out"

I guessing finger pointing and empty threats while standing with chest pumped up.
Side note The Lavender on my terrace is excellent this year
OK maybe it's not Lavender but that's what I've been calling it for years so Lavender it stays.
WhatsApp message

"We ain't far now dude'

Another example of his genius, they are at least four hours away if there is no traffic (not a given on a holiday weekend)
They have been stopped for speeding. On the spot fine. Idiot son claims it was a

'Fit up"
Says he was "targeted" because he had a UK car. Says all the 'Euro cars' as he called them were let off.

"Cops obviously been told to pick on Brits" he thinks.
He assures me he didn't let them,
"Push me around. I stood my ground"
Our Mayor has dropped by. He has a mischievous smile on his face. I have offered him his favourite, a small glass of marc. He is talking to the dog in conspiratorial tones.
Our dog right now
Our Mayor's wife has arrived. She has bought some foie gras and champagne to help, as she put it,

"Enjoy the English party"
The lady from the Mayor's office, she of the new dress, was "just passing" with her husband and has joined us.
Her husband admitted to me,

(Delivred in a thick Corsican accent)

"She got up early and met with the Mayor's wife to be ready for this. She has bought her camera"
WhatsApp from idiot son. They had stopped in Vézac for a late lunch only to discover all was closed.
They have arrived !
Have just slipped into the house to ostensibly 'do drinks'.

Our garden now has an additional six people from our village who were also,
"Just passing"
Let me, dear reader set the scene.

I am facing the idiot son, he is grinning at me as I type this. His mother sits staring at my wife, the mutual hostilitly is palpable. Our Mayor is quietly smiling to himself. His wife is calm.

Our dog is eating a biscuit.
My wife hissing in my ear,

"For God's sake are you posting this all live on Twitter?"

"Yes" I said, "O yes I am"
I should talk first about the car they have arrived in. Usually it is the father's nondescript Mazda but today it's the idiot son's Golf GTI described by him as,
"Wicked and pimped".

It's lime green with massive wheels and red leather interior plus mirror glass windows.
It has a large spoiler on the roof plus a splitter at the front. I would guess it has the aerodynamic efficency of the Paris opera house.

He's very proud of it. The parents ? Less so.
They have seen the flag and the bunting. The father started to say,
"Do we know why that has been...." when he was interrupted by the idiot son,
""What's all that Euro shit on our house?"
I forget to add. In the rear window is a sticker reading,

Question from Jules (local builder), asked with considerable solemnity

"Is that a car or a fairground ride?"
From idiot son to Jules,

"Wind your neck in there sunshine"

Jules looks at me, I shrug. It is probably good that Jules (former front row with Castres) does not understand this.
I had somewhat cowardly ducked the question of why their house was decorated with EU flags and bunting. I was saved by our Mayor, a man on considerable French elan,

"This is a new regulation for, how you say, 'ex-pats"
That should have read,

"Of considerable French elan"

I am updating under pressure here people !
Question from the mother ( so far she has spent her time scowling at my wife)

"So how long must it stay up then?"
He smiled, he gave her his best smooth Gallic look, a slight rise of the shoulders,

" Je regrette, it is forever Madame. It is an EU rule"
All around the garden nodded sagely at this point.

"It is Brussels, what can we do?"
Idiot son said,

"Fight back, show them who's boss. They are French, you are French. Don't be pushed around"
The lady of the new dress could contain herself no longer. She splattered,
"In Brussels they are Belgian"

The idiot son gave her a pitying look,

"Learn some bloody geography darling"
OK so its been an eventful hour or so. Let me try and catch everyone up to speed.
There was a full on shouting match between the mother and the lady with the new dress regarding the location of Brussels. This family is 100% convinced Brussels is in France. Even showing them an old paper map of Europe failed to convince them. My wife is laughing so hard.
The idiot son is trying to tell the Mayor he was at fault during the last visit. The Mayor's wife is laughing so hard she has failen of her chair and split her drink. Her husband is holding his sides and snorting out of his nose while trying to get his breath.
My wife is now shouting at the mother,

" Stupid English, stupid English" over and over again.
The idiot son has climbed one of the trees to remove the bunting he is shouting phrases from Winston Churchill speeches while hanging off a branch.
He has fallen out of the tree.
My wife has pushed the mother into our swimming pool.

Our dog jumped in after her
It looks as though no injuries to idiot son apart from slight bruising.

UE bunting still intact
My wife and our Mayor's wife have left to go for a drink
The Mayor just said to idiot son,

" we do not want a repeat of last time" he replied,

"Don't worry there matey. I'm a lover not a fighter" at this point idiot son's wife slapped his face.
I've sat down with Jules to regain our composure. He has tears of laughter running down his face.
Idiot son's mothrt is in our pool house drying off anf getting changed. The father is sitting on a desk chair shaking his head, idiot son is once more trying to remove bunting. Jules are I are drinking Cognacs.
Lots of typos in last tweet, sorry about that
It's been an unusual day
So to correct previous

The mother is in our pool house drying herself and changing into dry clothes. The father is on one of my deck chairs in a state of bewilderment.
Jules and I are drinking Cognac and laughing like the old friends we are.
The idiot son has once again fallen from the tree. Jules is having trouble breathing because he is laughing so much.

Our dog is confused
The idiot son may well have broken his wrist with the last fall but honestly, fuck him.
Idiot son just screamed out loud (to no one in particular)

" I hate Europe"
Idiot son's wife has just reappeared (I'm not sure where she went),

"I'll have you all if need be"

Not sure of any of that. Sexual proposal, threat ? Its difficult to say.
Idiot son is now asking his wife to take him to hospital,

" Babe, I've done me wrist in:
The mother has emerged and stood in front of me with a stealy look,

"Well I hope you are happy with yourself. This sort of thing is why we are better off outside the EU"
Jules wife is leading him home, he's a big man (130 kilo and 2m tall I would say) but he using the full width of the road to walk. He keeps turning round to call to me,

"Merci mon ami"

They live close by but it might be a long walk
Father and mother have walked with bags to their house. Idiot son is off to hospital. My wife has left for a drink.

The EU bunting and flags fly proudly. Our dog barks for a walk

All is good in the world
To all those who asked. Our Mayor is still here, fast asleep under a tree. The dog is asleep next to him.

I am going for a sit in the pool to cool down.
Phone call from idiot son,

"These people don't speak English. I can't get dealt with, how do you live with these bloody French"

He has forgotten i am half French.
My wife has returned home, her requests are clear.

"Tomorrow we are going out for the day, these English are not our problem. I want to buy a new hat and you are coming with me"
One final comment this evening. Many people are kind enough to respond to my Tweets and they often reference contemporary figures from TV. Just so everyone knows we rarely watch TV and have little knowledge of popular culture so we don't understand those

Have a pleasant week.
In the extremely unlikely event that anyone is in our area we shall tomorrow be in the village of Daglan. The couple in the silver Porche 911 is us. We shall be thre for most of the day and certainly eating lunch at around 1230

Good evening
When I wrote the previous Tweet I never expected anyone to actually be here today so to the couple who just walked up and thanked me for my Twitter thread - thank you, it was most kind of you.
Utter tragedy here. The hat shop has closed down. Wife now considering options. I'm sitting in the shade with a bottle of water.
A decision has been made, we are having lunch first and then driving to Domme.
Am sitting in the car waiting for my wife. Had message from idiot son, his mother is so angry after yesterday she is taking the train home.

O well I shall try not to let it bother me too much
Have been in Domme for about ten minutes. Everyone wearing masks except for some British tourists. Just watched a British family turned away from a shop. The mother spat on the ground in front of the shop in retaliation.

What is wrong with these people?
A hat has been purchased. Pictures to follow.
Seems the father and idiot son have an appointment tomorrow with our local estate agent. They told her I was their,
"Local advisor" she called me to check. I replied I was an unwilling participant in this saga but was willing to help if only to see the back of them.
Well I suppose it was inevitable. The father has just called round to see if I will accompany them tomorrow to the estate agent. In case, as he put it of,

"Any French difficulties"

My wife said,
"Just help them get it sold and then pfffft they are gone."
My wife has asked me to thank all those who were kind enough to say nice things about her new hat.

She is very pleased with it.
Idiot son just messaged me,

"Do you want to come round for a beer. I have Stella"
Father and son are currently up ladders taking down the bunting. They saw me and said,

"EU rules or not it's coming down" Idiot son has a bandage on his wrist
Interesting development. The father said that the original referendum paperwork said that all his rights would be protected and nothing would change. So he asked why they had changed. I said,
"Because they lied to you"
"Those EU lot?"
"No, the Leave campaign"

Reality dawns.
He told me he had awoken very early and for the first time had looked at some of the links I sent him (nine months ago !). He is now very angry.

He still thinks the EU is screwing him but he also now accepts he was lied to.

Idiot son still blames "Brussels" for all their woes.
Father and idiot son now arguing. IS maintains all the fault is with the EU, Father saying,
"Both sides up to their necks in it."

I have wanderd away.
They are now shouting so loud I can hear them from my garden. Now they are arguing about, "Tommy Robinson has run away to Spain"

I'm not sure what that means or its relevance.

Dog is enjoying it and joining in with well timed barks.
I forget to mention. Idiot son is wearing shorts today.

His legs still have a blue tinge to them.
When I saw the father's face this morning I thought of this.
Important hat news.

My wife is in Sarlat and has just discovered the shop in Daglan moved to there.

This may result in additional hat purchases today.
I need to be with estate agent at 3pm

Been here twenty minutes. No sign of them so far
Am having coffee with the owner.
They are parking outside now.

Locals laughing at idiot son's stupid VW Golf as he has the stereo linked to flashing led lights underneath the car.
This is not the actual car but it's very close
Buy with wheels at an angle like this one
The father has just been told what his house is worth

It's not gone down well.
He's saying to estaye agent that she needs to do better than that.

She is explaining that the market sets the price not her.

The idiot son just interjected asking suspiciously,

"The Common Market?"
She is explaining that a lot of British owned property in France is now on the market driving prices down

The idiot son said,
"That's not our problem"

She said,
"It really is Monsieur"
Hat update

Message from my wife

"I have been very good and purchased only one hat. My mother bought two"
Idiot son said to estate agent

"You people need to pull your finger out!"

"My finger ? Out of what?"

Bewildered Estate agent looking to me for explanation
I sent idiot son outside to cool off. He now sitting on a small bench, smoking and mumbling to himself
The father is still coming to terms with what his house is worth. Shaking his head and saying,

" This is just not fair, this is not Brexit"
So that moved fast
The father unhappy with the valuation said,

"I need someone who can get me the price I need" The estate agent said,

"I am not that person, bon journée" Then she lead us both to the door

He is talking to idiot son. I am writing this.
"Right", said the idiot son looking at me, "Where is the next estate agent?'

"There isn't one. She is the only one in the area. You will have to go to the next town
It's about 30 mins drive"

"Well that's just typical of the bloody French, anything to be difficult"
I have said I can help them no longer today and am going home

They are standing together looking lost leaning on the stupid Golf.

A Gendarmerie is approaching them and looking at the car
They called to me for help. I turned away, put my car in gear and drove off. I am now at a nearby cafe awaiting my wife and mother in law

I am calm
The estate agent called me,

"I am so sorry" I said. She laughed,
"I do have one question"
"Why does one of them have blue legs?"
The new hat
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