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Oh boy, I related so much to Kirsty-Jade's experiences. Will write a thread on this later. https://twitter.com/thatdeafgirlkj/status/1281254811413905410
Firstly, I would like to point out that English is Kirsty-Jade's first language (mine too) and she chose this language because she wanted to be fluent in expressing complicated topics that she may struggle to do in BSL.
Would also like to point out the majority of hoh/deaf people do not sign. Even the majority of signers within the community grew up oral and only learned sign later in life.
And lastly, you know how born-again Christians are the most irritating Christians? There are some born again deafies who can be likewise very dogmatic and unyielding.
But that's a topic for a whole other thread.
Like KJ, I grew up oral, also had a mid-life crisis at age 13. My parents had actually debated whether to send me to a deaf school because I was so miserable. They decided against it because the quality of education at the nearest one was subpar.
Then when I was 18, went to a youth employment center for a summer job which is how I got the one at a day camp for deaf kids. I was really looking forward to meeting "my people." Had very romantic notions of how that would go.
I did not know any sign at all. The first day at the camp, I met my bosses, one was CODA, the other her best friend since childhood who learned ASL. Half of counselors were Deaf, half were not.
Right away, there was a meeting. That was my first jarring experience, the hearing bosses were speaking and signing. I couldn't understand either. After the meeting, went up to them to ask if they could repeat what they said.
What they said left me in a state of shock. "Who do you think you are? Learn sign." I did get an ASL dictionary but the illustrations were confusing. I needed an actual class so I asked for recommendations. They refused to help.
The counselors went along with everything the bosses said. I was from day one, excluded. Each age group had two counselors, I was left on my own to manage the most difficult group - 4th to 6th grade. This was a deliberate decison the bosses made.
Thinking that perhaps this is normal for oral deafies, to be subjected to some kind of hazing ritual of sorts, to be thrown into the pit of lions, I sucked it up and tried my best. However, I did grow up oral and very much had internalized audism.
And perhaps my group picked up on that, I don't know. I kept my audist opinions to myself. One such thought was "wow, they can't read or write." I didn't realize it wasn't because they were signers, I was just that ignorant.
I also felt pity that many didn't speak or spoke very badly. Again, another ignorant thought borne from nearly 2 decades of growing up oral and steeped in audist beliefs.
Meanwhile, I was still struggling to pick up ASL at the camp. The kids were not interested in teaching me. Nor were the counselors and especially not the hearing bosses. I'm 18, traumatized by growing up oral and rejected, now once again rejected but by "my people".
I would be told to make verbal orders for the deaf kids when we went out for burgers then be punished for doing that. I would attempt to come up with ideas for activities only for the hearing bosses to mock up and encourage everyone else to join in.
We went on an overnight camping trip where I learned there was no room for me in any of the tents. I slept outside in the rain, attacked by musquitoes all night. They would not even let me keep my hearing aids inside a tent (they're not waterproof).
I don't know how I managed to stick it out the entire summer. But that experience was so awful I didn't attempt to connect with the deaf community again till I was in my early 30s. This time, I connected via an online discussion forum for deaf people.
And that was a very different experience, and a much more positive one. I spent a lot of time just listening to everyone. Also observed how oral deafies like me interacted with deaf signers. And how both interacted with hearing parents.
In many ways, that forum was like a mirror - it showed me how I appeared as an oral deafie to deaf signers. It was hugely educational and eye opening. You really do have to learn how to drop your ego so you can actually listen and hear what people are telling you. Not easy.
The forum also taught me a lot about oralism and deaf history. It taught me a lot about how ableism and oralism (in favour of signing) is why so many deaf people never learned to read and write well. How it affected some's cognitive developments.
And it was also where I made my first real deaf friends. A couple of them are right here on Twitter. I met others in real life, was even in a relationship with one for a good while. I owe him a big debt of gratitude for allowing me to be in his world and introducing me to so many
amazing Deaf people. I LOVED that experience of being completely submerged in the deaf world with barely any interactions with hearing people. It was my therapy in so many ways too.
But even so, whether it was at the day camp, whether it was an online discussion forum or whether it's in real life, there are ALWAYS those few Deafies who are self-appointed gatekeepers. And I have some theories as to why that is.
if they grew up oral and alone in the mainstream like me, then they jealously guard their newly achieved status as being a somebody in the deaf world whereas in the hearing world, they were invisible. They're some of the "born again deafies" I mentioned earlier in this thread.
Then there are deafies who were looked down upon by oral deafies and thus have developed a resentment - "it's bad enough hearing people do this to us but now you too? This is my safe place, get out."
Will continue later. My dogs, despite this horrendous heat wave, are very bored and nudging me to take them out so I shall. Off to my love's farm. Later, alligator.
Shortly after I joined the discussion forum, I took ASL classes which was yet another jarring experience. I was the only deaf student. I was a quick learner and using my face and body to communicate came naturally, not so much for hearing students.
They laughed nervously and expressed their self-consciousness about making "funny faces". They are so used to vocal tones that it was very difficult to learn how to transfer that tone to your face and body instead.
It was when they broke the rule and spoke in class when the deaf teacher wasn't looking that I wished I had private lessons. They were like very rude tourists in my country, so to speak. (Heh).
Even so, I LOVED my ASL classes. It was the first time ever in my life I could actually understand what the teacher was saying. The first time I didn't withdraw into my books, detached and unengaged.
Keep in mind, I'm in my early 30s and this was the first class I actually enjoyed and fully participated in. It was the first class in which I could catch everything other students were saying (to the best of their ability but nonetheless).
With three levels of ASL under my belt, that was when I entered the deaf world for the first time and stayed there for 6 months, my deaf boyfriend being the best guide I could ask for. He was also incredibly patient with my stumbling in sign language.
The stumbling was because I was mentally translating English grammar to ASL. They're day and night. My deaf boyfriend was not the only one who was patient and kind, so was EVERYONE else. Maybe it's because they were older and not insecure teens or college kids anymore.
If I came across any gate-keeping, it was usually done by younger people who were still finding their place, whatever that may be and needed things to be black and white before they were comfortable enough to be okay with all the grey shades in between.
The one exception being a woman who was late-deafened and was my age when she told me I'm not authentically deaf because I wear hearing aids. That was a very intense campside meeting, haha. Tempers flared that night.
Anyhoo, based on my own experiences, I wish the deaf community has appointed ambassadors to greet the newcomers and welcome them. As I said earlier, most oral deafies who reach out for the first time are in a vulnerable place.
It takes great courage to go against pro-oralism parents, to go against your entire upbringing in the hearing world where you rarely met deaf people and had learned just as much bad information about them as hearing people.
You are overcoming so many mental barriers that were put in place because of audism. Your self-esteem, usually diminished by mainstreaming in "normal" schools hang on tightly to things like you "speak so well for a deaf person" and "I would never know you're deaf."
You hang onto every achievement, big and small, that you acquired growing up deaf in the hearing world. In other words, you've worked so hard to be as "hearing" as possible. So what would drive you to reach out to the deaf community?
Loneliness, alienation, wanting to know what it's like to communicate easily, to understand others w/out effort, to want to meet people who are deaf like you, who'd get you and don't need lengthy explanations repeated to them ad nauseum.
And why do you have those needs? Usually because at some point in your life as an oral deaf person, you'd realize it's not enough to learn to "listen and speak". You're still lonely, you're still left out of conversations in your own home at your own dinner table.
Your social life is not great, you don't get invited out much, nobody understands what you're going through, not even loved ones. That's usually when you want to reach out to others like you.
However, there's often what we'd call a culture clash when you, who grew up deaf, oral and mainstreamed, attempt to reach out to people who are deaf like you but they're not like you in other ways even if they WERE like you once.
The deaf community does not tolerate hearing-minded people well, whether they're deaf or not. So, if you enter their world with a very audist mindset, they're not going to welcome you with open arms because you're representing the hearing world and their audist beliefs.
The deaf community sees itself as a refuge, as a sanctuary from audism. Oral deafies who were brought up in an audist world are also seeking a place of their own, a place where they belong.
In the discussion forum, there were many times I had cringed when oral deafies would make comments like "thank god I didn't grow up with ASL otherwise my grammar would suck (like yours" is implied). That's an example of how worlds collide, even between deaf people.
So for members of the deaf community, who had been told these things by both the hearing world and oral deafies, they tend to be on guard, bracing themselves for yet more audism. Hence why some gate-keep.
I'm not opposed to gate-keeping in general. I do believe it's so important to be protective of our culture, and especially sign language that for some, there's zero tolerance and refusal to be that bridge for oral deafies to cross from the hearing world.
In the end, oralism (created and enforced by hearing people) had created so many problems for deaf people in so many ways. It caused divisiveness and misunderstandings between deaf people, oral and signing and cue-ing and whatever else.
Oralism had created trauma and mental health issues for deaf people. As a matter of fact, deaf people are more at risk for suicide in comparison to non-deaf people. There are so many hurt and damaged deaf people, both inside and outside the deaf community.
There are hardly any deaf therapists so we don't have that either. Abled therapists are simply not an option for most of us. So, oftentimes when an oral deaf person is yearning to connect with others like themselves, they're in for a rude shock aka culture clash.
Which is why I wish the deaf community would appoint warm-hearted leaders or guides to greet oral deafies who are reaching out for the first time, in a place of great vulnerability, in a mental health crisis, in emotional trauma.
The responsibility doesn't just lie with the deaf community though. Oral deafies also need to learn that they need to learn the language, the culture and respect it just like anyone going to another country. That can be quite a challenge but it's not as challenging as this....
Self-defensiveness. It's a very common trait in deaf people who've grown up with accusations that they weren't trying hard enough to listen, to speak more clearly, to do better in hearing schools, that they're the problem, not hearing people. They should smile more or something.
This tendency to be self-defensive can shut down communications big time. Helpful feedback may be received as criticism. Then self-defensive behaviour is manifested as attacks on the deaf community and it can be one big messy loop.
So, to wrap this up, oral deafies having a horrible experience when meeting the deaf community is not uncommon. Oral deafies being horrid to deaf signers is not uncommon either. Profound misunderstandings, not uncommon.
I really hope hearing parents reading this thread are not going to conclude their deaf kid will never learn ASL or be in the deaf community. My point is oralism, enforced by hearing people, can cause so much divisiveness between deaf people and it can cause so much mental harm.
Deaf people are hurting and the deaf world is where they feel safe. What does it mean to feel safe? To start with - inclusion. And that begins with language. A language fully accessible to deaf people which is naturally sign. There's also tactile sign for deaf/blind people.
Accepting deaf people as they are, whether they can speak clearly or not, whether they can read and write well or not. No showing off that you can speak clearly or can read and write very well nor lording that over others.
That could spill over into the world outside of their own. Ie when KJ, who's done tons of video in sign language, did one in which she spoke and instantly was criticized for excluding deaf people. She captioned her video so they wouldn't be excluded but still got criticized.
Because not all deaf people can read and write well. Fair enough. But what they're forgetting is that KJ doesn't know BSL well enough to fluently express her thoughts about something very personal to her. How she felt about gate-keeping in the deaf world.
In no way was she attempting to go behind people's backs or deliberately exclude them. It's so hard to grow up excluded in the hearing world then receive harsh criticism from members of the deaf community because you weren't "deaf enough". It can be demoralizing.
I hope KJ will see one day that there ARE wonderful people in the deaf community, who are very accepting and understanding and encouraging and not let the gate-keepers stop her from connecting with them. It really is so nice to have deaf friends.
