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Accountability can be confusing, yes.
But let me be explicit - constructing a NARRATIVE to distance yourself from harm, is not being accountable.
So far away from the point. Also Iâm not a woman.
https://twitter.com/WeKeepUs/status/1281255221658898433
But let me be explicit - constructing a NARRATIVE to distance yourself from harm, is not being accountable.
So far away from the point. Also Iâm not a woman.
https://twitter.com/WeKeepUs/status/1281255221658898433
Also, everyone who's checked in on me, thanked me for coming out etc - THIS IS THE HARM IM TALKING ABOUT. THESE ARE THE DYNAMICS TO INTERVENE IN!
This is gaslighting. This is it in Real-time.
This is gaslighting. This is it in Real-time.
Here are some dynamics. These are quoted from Nora Samaran - these are from the lexicon of concepts and terms helpful for describing covert boundary crossing: https://norasamaran.com/2016/02/12/overt-and-covert-boundary-crossings/
Triangulation: telling everyone around slightly different versions of reality, which keeps control, manipulates social circles to prevent people comparing notes about behaviour, and makes the survivor feel crazy. Allowing people to believe just slightly or sometimes fully...
different versions of reality. This can be done in very subtle ways, leaving out key bits of information, to make it very hard to pin down the deceit and manipulation, and so that everyone thinks oh I must have just misunderstood
Using logic salad: Incoherency â live action continual rewriting of basic moment by moment coherence or logical cause effect â contradictions creating utter incoherency to confuse and destabilize survivor and render them unable to comprehend what is going on and wear them down
Using evasion to gain control: using plausible deniability and peopleâs desire to have good will and trust in order to control and manipulate. This occurs when someone is constantly surrounded by a kind of cloud of vagueness that they use to control
Misdirection and minimizing: so survivorâs capacity to calibrate goes haywire. This is when someone who is manipulating and doing other odd control maneuvers makes dozens of different excuses for why what is happening is all in the survivorâs mind.
Entitlement: This one encompasses many things, but the key one in this kind of psychological abuse and covert boundary cross is a bizarre belief that basic human relational responsibilities (like not lying, not manipulating) are his great âgiftsâ and âgenerosityâ
For example, saying he has âgiven enoughâ when asked to not lie or help create a coherent narrative after gaslighting and trianguation. Many people with these kinds of issues will convince people around them, who have not cross-checked his facts, that he has âgiven and givenâ
by âdoing accountabilityâ even when he leaves out the detail that he actively sabotaged those efforts and did not act in them in good faith. In this kind of entitlement, the person causing harm disregards the generosity that goes into setting up a process for him â
Bait and Switch: doing things that would naturally lead anyone to feel confused and destabilized then turning everything around so it becomes impossible to follow and the survivorâs fault. The survivor leaves these conversations feeling they can never remember
Words of remorse: used to minimize and misdirect, without any action to change behaviour or repair harm in any way. Can include telling bystanders âI already did accountability what more do they wantâ when he has not done accountability at all.
Misdirection by implication: This is when someone uses words to try to create an image of themselves as trustworthy and reliable while hoping you wonât notice the behaviour and the misogynistic, entitled, or self-loathing inner impulses that lead them to do
Externalizing blame: Theyâre remarkably adept at getting everyone around them to empathize with them and will twist entire communities around them to protect themselves from ever having to hear that theyâre causing harm. What helps is to....protect the people theyâre gaslighting
Concern trolling: using false empathic behaviour to control, pathologize, escape responsibility, and manipulate third party perception,
Sabotage: Continuing the same abusive behaviours all the while using accountability processes to manipulate and not act accountable. Saying âI did accountability what more do they wantâ when he has not actually acted accountable at all, and has sabotaged or manipulated processes
âSlidingâ apology â apology for other than the harm â apology for something that makes him look good instead of genuinely apologizing for the actual harm caused,
Destroying communities to get control: Directly or indirectly pressured powerful bystanders in their circle to silence and ostracize anyone who speaks up about abuse, directly and indirectly leveraging social power. They climb in order to be unnaccountable and gatekeep
