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Happy #4thofJuly!
Are you an aspiring immigrant dreaming of stealing an American job, but don’t want to irk our many xenophobes?
Haha well then here’s a simplified list of ways you can just “come here legally”
(THREAD)
Are you an aspiring immigrant dreaming of stealing an American job, but don’t want to irk our many xenophobes?
Haha well then here’s a simplified list of ways you can just “come here legally”
(THREAD)
1) BE RICH
This one’s the easiest!
Simply invest a minimum of $950,000 in a targeted employment area, and prove that this investment has created at least 10 jobs. Go ahead! Just use the million bucks you have lying around! Yeah!!!
This one’s the easiest!
Simply invest a minimum of $950,000 in a targeted employment area, and prove that this investment has created at least 10 jobs. Go ahead! Just use the million bucks you have lying around! Yeah!!!
Fun fact: You used to only need $500,000 before Trump doubled the required amount! Woah!
2) MARRY AN AMERICAN
Sounds easy enough. Just meet and fall in love with an American of your choice, and be ready to prove your marriage’s legitimacy. They’ll want to see love letters, texts, tinder DMs (I’m serious), Skype date screenshots, proof that your finances are linked.
Sounds easy enough. Just meet and fall in love with an American of your choice, and be ready to prove your marriage’s legitimacy. They’ll want to see love letters, texts, tinder DMs (I’m serious), Skype date screenshots, proof that your finances are linked.
And if you wanna just fake a “Green Card Marriage” like they do on TV, then you ought to know:
-That’s a felony
-You’ll have to play a deeply invasive version of the newlywed game for 3-4 years.
-I’m serious. They literally make you play that game.
-Fake all this:
-That’s a felony
-You’ll have to play a deeply invasive version of the newlywed game for 3-4 years.
-I’m serious. They literally make you play that game.
-Fake all this:
3) BE IN THE TOP 1% OF YOUR FIELD, OR RECEIVE AN OFFER OF PERMANENT EMPLOYMENT FROM A COMPANY WILLING TO SPONSOR YOU AND EXPLAIN WHY AN AMERICAN COULDN’T DO YOUR JOB.
The former is sometimes called the “Einstein Visa.” You’d need to hit at least 3 of the following 10 criteria:
The former is sometimes called the “Einstein Visa.” You’d need to hit at least 3 of the following 10 criteria:
Pro tip: USCIS is more willing to believe you’re extraordinary if you’re white, so if you can, be white!
But if you’re not in the top 1% of your field, then I hope you’re not from India either because that line is 10 years long. They’re still seeing people from 2009:
But if you’re not in the top 1% of your field, then I hope you’re not from India either because that line is 10 years long. They’re still seeing people from 2009:
4) SEEK ASYLUM
Is your life in danger and your current government unable/unwilling to protect you? Then you can come to the U.S. and apply for asylum within 1 year of your arrival, REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU GOT HERE.
Is your life in danger and your current government unable/unwilling to protect you? Then you can come to the U.S. and apply for asylum within 1 year of your arrival, REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU GOT HERE.
You’ll have to prove you’re really in danger, of course. In some cases, you’ll have to perform your pain for the interviewer. As in the interviewer has to believe you’re being serious. Or you might get deported and ultimately end up killed or abused.
But, yeah. Super easy!!!
But, yeah. Super easy!!!
5) FAMILY-BASED GREEN CARD APPLICATION
This is the one which our racists like to call “chain migration.” If your child/parent/sibling is already a GC holder, they can petition for you to come! Incredible!
This is the one which our racists like to call “chain migration.” If your child/parent/sibling is already a GC holder, they can petition for you to come! Incredible!
Fun fact: if you’re from Mexico, the wait is only 20ish years long! They’re looking at applications from as recently as 1997!
That’s clearly so many Mexican family members you could bring over in a lifetime, just like the racist theory of chain migration says! Wow!
That’s clearly so many Mexican family members you could bring over in a lifetime, just like the racist theory of chain migration says! Wow!
Of course, there’s a bunch of other hyper-specific categories you could try for, like being an interpreter for the U.S. Army in Afghanistan, but chances are an average schmuck like you won’t qualify for any of them lol
So, what are you waiting for? Go drop thousands of dollars on an immigration attorney to “come here legally” TODAY!
What do you mean you’re an impoverished victim of gang violence/religious persecution/U.S. foreign policy? Just come here legally~
What do you mean you’re an impoverished victim of gang violence/religious persecution/U.S. foreign policy? Just come here legally~
(And if you’re someone who’s been wondering “why don’t they just come here legally,” you now have a rough idea of what the hell it is you’re asking for.)
