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I want to talk a bit more about passive suicidal ideation. It's not something that gets talked about enough, and it's difficult to understand because everyone experiences it differently, but there's the common feeling of not always being super interested in living.
This is one of my favorite articles on the topic, and it does more to explain the realities of the experience than I ever could in a tweet thread. https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation?zd=1&zi=5gt6ppp5
"the weightiness of the confession, the impossibility of explaining that it both is and isn’t as serious as it sounds. I don’t always want to be alive. Yes, I mean it. No, you shouldn’t be afraid for me. No, I’m not in danger of killing myself right now. Yes, I really mean it"
As I mentioned earlier, for me, it's like having shoulder angels-- one telling me to jump, the other telling me to stay. These voices have been with me since middle school.
They're usually very balanced, and I get by just fine. No need to worry about me.
They're usually very balanced, and I get by just fine. No need to worry about me.
The last time the one telling me to stay disappeared was a few years ago. My life turned in to wanting to walk into traffic, or not stay on the road when I was driving. It was a very difficult time for me.
The most unfortunate part of it is that I didn't know how to get professional help. It was a mix of not being able to afford help, and being afraid to because the first time I tried to take my life in earnest, I was on Citalopram, and I didn't like what medication did to me.
And a secret? As much as I advocate for people to find the medication that's right for them, and to seek professional help... I've still never been to a therapist, and I'm not interested in being on medication.
BECAUSE I know how much it helps my friends.
BECAUSE I know how much it helps my friends.
(I can finally afford to see a therapist, and I'm working on it. No, I'm not asking for help or advice about it. Please don't. Your good intention will do zero good for me, I swear)
ANYWAY. I get through without the voice telling me to stay because I have some wonderful friends who fill in for it. I couldn't tell you why they put up with me-- they just do.
Some of them don't actively fill in for the voice, but their support and their perspective on life keep me level.
Other friends do actively fill in. Last time, one of those friends sat on a curb outside a bar with me, and held my hand while listening to the bad voice.
Other friends do actively fill in. Last time, one of those friends sat on a curb outside a bar with me, and held my hand while listening to the bad voice.
That same friend met up with me at a tattoo parlor while I got "There's a million things I haven't done" scripted on my arm to help serve as a reminder to keep going.
He's not a mental health professional, but just being there and talking back to the bad voice was enough.
He's not a mental health professional, but just being there and talking back to the bad voice was enough.
What I guess I'm trying to say is that you don't have to be a professional to help. You don't even have to have the intention of "fixing" anything; In fact, trying to fix things might make it worse, so don't.
Just. Be there.
Just. Be there.
Talk about it. Find your metaphor. Whether it's treading water, or listening to shoulder angels, have someone who knows your metaphor and can be part of it.
And if you need to seek medical advice to help take some of the burden off your friends, please do it.
And if you need to seek medical advice to help take some of the burden off your friends, please do it.
