I want to talk with the men in my TL for a bit, the ones around my age and especially anyone younger.

Likely TWs for harassment, microaggressions, etc.

There have been A LOT of allegations and accusations against men in comics, writing, wrestling, etc. lately.

Many of these allegations are straight-up horrifying and we can all say and agree that the behavior is appalling, it's egregious, it can't be tolerated, etc. There's no grey area for it.

That's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the grey areas.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I've talked with my partner about it, talked to my kid, talked to my counselor about it yesterday.

Because if you're looking at these lists of allegations and you don't see SOMETHING you've done?

You're either a saint or in denial.

I'm not talking about the truly awful stuff - I'm talking about the stuff you likely didn't even think about. You had a couple too many at a company function and said something about that coworker you thought was cute, maybe to her. Maybe she even laughed about it.

Maybe you did something without thinking about how it might seem to the person who was watching, or made a pass at a friend that you'd always had a thing for. Maybe you were really crude about how you approached something. Point is, most of us have done something like this.

Maybe it was an awkward backrub or an attempted kiss or a pickup line that fell flat on its face or something along those lines. It could have been at the office or at a bar or a store ... it could have been anywhere.

I know I never really learned how to figure out whether someone was interested in me unless they said it point blank or jumped on me. I know I've said and done things that likely made that person feel uncomfortable around me for at least a little while.

Sometimes, I've been fortunate enough that the person told me.

They explained how I made them feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes, friends of mine told me I had fucked up when I told them the story.

I've always been grateful for that, because it gave me a chance to not repeat it.

And this can be simple stuff - leaning in for a kiss because you read the situation wrong.

It can be something bigger - I remember a sportswriter saying in the newsroom that he would, and I quote, "eat the cilantro out of her shit" when talking about a woman at the sports desk.

I was in SF on business in my mid-20s. I had time to kill so I stopped in a clothing store, and somehow got a lunch date with a clerk. I didn't know downtown SF that well, I didn't have a car, and I had time to kill, so I started walking like I often do in cities.

There wasn't much to do - it's mostly office buildings. So I walked. I found a restaurant, I made sure I knew where the store was, and largely walked in widening circles.

But I kept walking by the store, just so I didn't get lost.

Now, if you're a woman, not knowing that I don't know the area, but seeing that I keep walking by the store every so often, that's probably setting off all kinds of alarms and warnings.

And I didn't even think of it that way. I was just trying to make sure I didn't get lost.

But part of what we, as men, should be learning from all of this is that intent matters less than effect.

We may have innocent intentions, we may be ignorant of how what we're doing affects people, BUT IT STILL AFFECTS THEM REGARDLESS OF OUR INTENT. Caps intentional.

And that is the best and most charitable interpretation of our gaffes and errors, that we're just ignorant and clueless and fuck up in ways that make other people feel uncomfortable because IT ISN'T JUST US DOING IT. Caps intentional. Again.

It's all the men who did that before us. It's all the men who will do it after us. We probably aren't the first one to screw up like that. We almost certainly won't be the last.

And think about THAT for a moment. Knowing that you made someone feel weird/awkward/uncomfortable, and that will probably happen hundreds or thousands of times in someone else's life, and you're just another drop in that bucket.

Think about the enormity and totality of what you're contributing to, of what you HAVE contributed to.

And maybe you're one of the nice ones. Maybe you didn't say anything to that cute coworker. Maybe you just looked a second or two too long.

Maybe you didn't drink too much. Maybe you didn't say something about that cute coworker's appearance. Maybe you didn't tell that clerk to cheer up, that everything would be okay.

My gf told me about a guy she knew who went to Spencer's during a Buy 1, Get One Half-Off sale, and asked the clerk if he could have her shirt half-off.

Maybe you weren't that gross.

But the point is, this is a moment for reflection. This is a time for you to carefully read these allegations and accusations, not for the big things - although those are CRITICALLY important - but for the little things.

Read these reports and think about how you have contributed to environments like this in workplaces, in social places, in your friend group, in your scene of whatever type it may be. Because it isn't just the assaults. It isn't just the groping. It isn't just physical contact.

It's all of it, piled up. And we don't see it, because we don't carry that weight. We're just contributing to it.

Every time we say something suggestive, every "joke," every awkward attempt at a kiss, every misread situation ... it all adds up.

Lately, as I've been reading about these allegations, I keep thinking about one of the steps in 12-step programs:

Make amends where it won't cause more harm.

And beyond not doing stuff like that going forward, I don't know what amends can be made.

Tracking someone down that I haven't spoken to in 20 years and apologizing for something they may not remember only serves to assuage how I feel about it, you know?

To me, making amends in this moment looks like this.

It means admitting that I fucked up, that I know I fucked up, that I feel guilty about it, and I need to sit with that discomfort. One thing I've learned from counseling is that when something makes you feel uncomfortable, you sit with it and think about it. You do NOT turn away.

It means trying to talk to other men and help them see that same thing - that almost all of us put drops into buckets of trauma, that we contribute to a toxic environment for women. That it doesn't matter if it's only one drop in one bucket, it's STILL contributing to it.

And if we aren't doing it anymore, that's great. But that doesn't erase or make up for what we did when we were younger and less aware, less cognizant, less respectful.

Stopping a behavior does not absolve you of what you have already done.

And honestly, there may not be absolution.

And I'm okay with carrying that weight, of leaning in for a kiss and realizing I completely misread the moment, of crashing with someone and trying to make out with them.

Hell, at one point when I was in my early 20s and leaving a job, I picked up one of my work friends and put her over my shoulder as a joke. We all laughed, but was it actual laughter or just an attempt to spackle over the awkwardness of it?

These are things that I did. That weight is on me. I remember those moments, and I do better. And I wish I could make better amends than this, than saying I remember and I regret and I won't forget and I'm sorry that I contributed to the weight women carry.

I wish I could make better amends than saying here are ways I fucked up. Do better than I did.

And the really fucked up part is that I'm also the guy that women turned to when they were drunk and needed to get home safely. I'm the guy who held their hair back while they puked.