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Asked therapist if I'm a good person (if we are, plural).
Uh, she didn't answer.
And that helped!
A thread:
Uh, she didn't answer.
And that helped!
A thread:
Many trauma survivors believe or fear we are fundamentally bad. Generally not true, sure, but how do we KNOW?!
Basically it's strategic as a little one to blame your "innate badness" instead of the failings or malice of your caregivers and the larger world.
A LOT of trauma recovery is accepting the failings of those complicit in the violence against you, and taking the blame off yourself.
Can be a long process. Years. And the self-criticizing and blaming habit is deeply rooted.
(EMDR really helped us, dance, music, activism, and mindfulness, too - different for all)
(EMDR really helped us, dance, music, activism, and mindfulness, too - different for all)
So does outside support:
Last night, we Redwoods were in a tough spot and another plural system sent us a really loving message including "you are still good, still worthy, still valuable"
Last night, we Redwoods were in a tough spot and another plural system sent us a really loving message including "you are still good, still worthy, still valuable"
Affection and external validation really helps and is necessary, especially from people who get it and who you know and trust.
So today during a lull in therapy, we thought, let's get some more validation! Recovery!
"Are we good people?"
No answer.
Silence.
"Are we good people?"
No answer.
Silence.
Hm. Uh. Ok, must be a test. Yeah.
"Okay yeah we're good people"
"There you go" she said.
"Okay yeah we're good people"
"There you go" she said.
But then something new happened.
She said "It really depends on your definition of a good person."
She said "It really depends on your definition of a good person."
Makes sense, let's just check our definition... wait, we don't have one??
Not really other than obvious do's and don'ts that only half-approximate the vague concept of "good person".
Not really other than obvious do's and don'ts that only half-approximate the vague concept of "good person".
Do no harm. Be kind. Help others. Be nice.
We also realized several pseudo-answers we judge ourselves by daily: how clean is our room, do we feel well-liked, have we accomplished something impressive to others.
We also realized several pseudo-answers we judge ourselves by daily: how clean is our room, do we feel well-liked, have we accomplished something impressive to others.
Childhood relics more than fiercely held values.
Perplexed by our lack of an answer, we tried to move on.
(How did we watch all of The Good Place without figuring this out??)
Perplexed by our lack of an answer, we tried to move on.
(How did we watch all of The Good Place without figuring this out??)
Thankfully Ezra (of the Redwoods) brought it back to answering the question. "What is a good person?"
Top Google result: Wikihow.
As usual that site has some surprisingly good advice. Not perfect, but it is good.
https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Person
As usual that site has some surprisingly good advice. Not perfect, but it is good.
https://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Person
The very first point, we read aloud to our therapist, is "Determine what being a good person means to you personally."
"Aha!" she said.
"Aha!" she said.
I, Eliza, got that pang of "why has it taken me so long to reach this point"
I gently interrupted the thought.
In recovery I have learned to accept that developmental moments happen when we are ready for them to happen.
I gently interrupted the thought.
In recovery I have learned to accept that developmental moments happen when we are ready for them to happen.
And healing is non-linear! Ok we haven't as a cutting-edge collective of selves-loving people in one body DEFINED good person. But many of the components - be yourself, accept others, help others, practice forgiveness - have been part of our life's work for years.
Years of trauma work helped us loosen the self-blame enough to believe we are capable of good.
It's hard to ask "what is a good person" if you are constantly fending off the unconscious conviction that you are horrible.
So it's a big moment. We are really proud of ourselves. Because to ask "what is a good person" is to believe that it is worth asking. Because we are capable of doing it.
We are not bad! Yet @DrIbram points out that the opposite of racist is not "not racist" but rather "anti-racist."
So the opposite of bad is not "not bad" but... "anti-bad."
So the opposite of bad is not "not bad" but... "anti-bad."
We have to actively do good to be good. Evading badness is a step but not quite a moral compass.
Go somewhere good, don't just not go somewhere bad.
Go somewhere good, don't just not go somewhere bad.
This is awesome because we don't have to endlessly reconsider the implications of past traumas, because what we do NOW and what we have been doing since is the makeup of our being.
We all HAVE good in us we can nurture and cultivate and act through.
We all HAVE good in us we can nurture and cultivate and act through.
Glad our therapist didn't just say "yep, you are good people."
If you all have or come up with your own detailed definitions of what a good person is for you personally, would love to hear em!
If you all have or come up with your own detailed definitions of what a good person is for you personally, would love to hear em!
