Read on Twitter
What is Common Enemy Intimacy and why is it important to we pay attention to it?
Brené Brown came up with the term Common Enemy Intimacy and you can see her explain it at around 15:30 of this video on The Anatomy of Trust (which, if I could make the whole world watch, I would) https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/
Common Enemy Intimacy is when we bond with others through our hatred/dislike/criticism of other people. And I think this works because we all want someone on our 'side.' We want to know people have our backs.
The easiest way to know that someone is 'with' us is to create two sides and make people pick one. But as she says in the video, it's a quick and easy way to hot-wire connection. The trust created is counterfeit.
We CREATE a polarized situation where people are either for us or against us because we think we need that to be secure in where we stand with them. We want it to be SO CLEAR when we're betrayed. But this naturally creates instability.
The reason is, is that human beings aren't this-or-that. We don't live our lives by polarities. Even if we try really hard, there's always an exception or some kind of nuance that throws a wrench in.
So whenever we make people pick a side, we're setting ourselves up to be betrayed by nuance. Because we tried to make a complex situation, simple. "Omg we just talked about how awful that person is, why are they liking their posts???"
It's difficult to sit with the knowledge that people are complex, and we can feel betrayed by one friend and another friend (who wants to support us!!) may not think that person did anything wrong. It's weird and uncomfortable and it's life.
The other side of this is that we need to pay attention to when folks are using Common Enemy Intimacy with us. It can feel really good to be asked to dunk on someone else.
This person trusts my judgement! They trust me with this story! This friend is coming to me in confidence!
This person trusts my judgement! They trust me with this story! This friend is coming to me in confidence!
This is not the same as talking out a situation or venting. What I'm talking about here is conversations that revolve around agreeing on a judgement. "Isn't this person's behaviour TERRIBLE? Let's name all the ways." You can tell when someone wants confirmation like this.
How can you tell?
-They've presupposed a judgement and they aren't willing to be wrong about it/entertain another version (even when they say they are)
-Usually fits into a narrative of another person being Bad or Wrong rather than focussing on a single behaviour or situation
-They've presupposed a judgement and they aren't willing to be wrong about it/entertain another version (even when they say they are)
-Usually fits into a narrative of another person being Bad or Wrong rather than focussing on a single behaviour or situation
The tricky thing here is, we're walking into a polarized situation. We're either for them, or against them, remember? ugh. We don't want to betray our friend, but we may also not agree with them.
It's SO HARD to then inject nuance into a situation like that. Because whatever you say, you might then be slotted into "for" or "against." We know what we're supposed to say because they usually tell us exactly what they think we should be agreeing with.
This person is setting themselves up for us to eventually betray them by seeing the world through a polarized lens. Deep down we know this, so we're compelled to agree. And keep agreeing. And keep agreeing. Otherwise we're the enemy.
This is how cults work, btw.
You know that friend who comes to you with gossip or a situation and you just find yourself agreeing with what they say even if you kinda want to say more than that? That friend is probably trying to bond through Common Enemy Intimacy.
The great news is that there's other (real) ways to earn trust! And one of the first one that Brené Brown explains in The Anatomy of Trust (see way above) is Boundaries. We can decide not to engage with people this way.
Especially now that we know that it's a precarious type of intimacy anyway, we might as well abandon it.
Building trust can be hard, and I don't think it's an accident that this kind of bonding is really common! Real trust takes time and many small moments. Easier to say, "I need you to agree that this sh*t stinks," then disown them if they say it smells like roses ÂŻ\\_(ă)_/ÂŻ
with Common Enemy Intimacy, either you become a yes-person or live long enough to see yourself become the enemy
