There’s a lot of wisdom in so-called traditional cures. Let’s look at their efficacy ranking them from least successful to most. I guarantee there’s at least one amazing suggestion for you!

10: Dock leaves on nettle stings. This mostly relies on the placebo effect. Buying the child an ice cream & dripping it onto the sting is more successful for obvious reasons (plus milk helps neutralise the acid in the sting).

9:Boiling Rhubarb leaves in stained metal kettle/teapot. The leaves are toxic & full of oxalic acid. Works a treat & if your husband hasn’t agreed to sign the divorce papers, tell him teas up! However remember to hide the evidence by putting the elephant dung in next doors garden

8: Is your house drafty? Do you own an ancient pile with moat & an endearing understairs staff? Probably your windows are drafty. Use masking tape to seal them (warning: this does not work during the explosive wind blast of a nuclear bomb).

7: In the unlikely event you survive the nuclear blast, subsequent winter, collapse of society & end of austerity you prob are finding it hard to get the masking tape off the charred window frames. All you need to do is heat them with a hairdryer which helps peel off the tape.

6: Should you find a heavily tarnished Bronze Age necklace whilst illegally cutting turf in the family bog (full disclosure I own one). Simply buy a 2l bottle of YR Sauce & leave the jewellery in over night. Comes up with that Celtic sparkly look!

5: Had a bad day on the road crew? Remove tar on your feet by using salad oil.

4: After cleaning your tarry feet with salad oil it can be relaxing to arrange flowers. To get them to last longer cut an inch off the end of the stems & give them a good squash. Put in water ASAP.

3: To keep your washing machine smelling good, avoid standing beside it.

2: Are your pearls a tad stained & listless? Store them in a sealed bag of uncooked rice. Then you can clutch them again in all their sparkly authoritarian loveliness.

1: Tired of far right bigots trotting out the same old nastiness & recruiting extremists online? Have a world war. A good example is 1939-45 when the Fascist’s master plan was defeated. Remember violence is never the answer, unless Fascism is the question.