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This is a little subtweety but it’s also just very general, so: I wish more people understood that it’s possible for someone to be wrong about their version of a thing that happened and yet not be lying about it. One can be sincerely wrong.
I just think it’s really tricky and often inadvisable to read conscious intent into certain kinds of cases of bad behavior, and not a great idea to assume bad faith right off unless one has *super* good reason to do so.
Someone can be wrong as part of a pattern of personal toxicity. People can even be manipulative while sincerely believing that they aren’t.
That’s not an excuse, I’m just—again—saying sometimes it’s not lying or fabrication.
That’s not an excuse, I’m just—again—saying sometimes it’s not lying or fabrication.
Or it’s fabrication but it’s not intentional. They really do remember things happening the way they say they happened.
People have all kinds of reasons for shading their memories of events the way they do.
People have all kinds of reasons for shading their memories of events the way they do.
I worry a lot that I do that. I worry a lot that I’m being manipulative without realizing that I’m doing it, that I’m behaving badly while convincing myself that my behavior is appropriate and justified. Probably I’ve done just that.
I suspect it’s more easy for those of us who have been in toxic relationship situations—especially familial ones at an early age—to slip into manipulative behavior patterns, because manipulation is part of how we survive.
Like I said, that’s not an excuse for more toxic behavior, it’s not an excuse for causing harm, and it’s perfectly possible to be manipulative without that damaging personal history.
I’m just saying this is complicated.
I’m just saying this is complicated.
There are a lot of ways of holding someone accountable for what they do. Sometimes people are lying, manipulating with full consciousness of doing so, and acting in genuine bad faith.
But sometimes they’re just wrong.
But sometimes they’re just wrong.
Or sometimes it’s a little from column A and a little from column B and there’s a lot of self-deception in the picture and it’s just a big ol mess.
I wish we as a community and we as human beings could find ways to inject some emotional generosity into how we handle difficult things, because I really believe it’s possible to do so without letting anyone off the hook. Not across the board, not with everyone, but yes.
One of the things we all naturally seek when everything is topsy-turvy and unsettled and we’re floundering for certainty is a clean narrative with clear rights and wrongs, clear villains and clear victims. That’s an understandable urge but it’s misguided.
Because a lot of the time there are no good or clear or clean answers. You’re never going to be sure. You just have to do the best you can to hold people accountable and prevent more harm.
By the way, I am not at all saying that those clear situations *don’t* exist, because they do, and neither am I saying that there’s no point in trying to ferret out what actually happened.
I’m just saying I think we should bear in mind that sometimes no one is actually lying.
I’m just saying I think we should bear in mind that sometimes no one is actually lying.
