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CW for this thread: Self-harm, trauma
Today is a holiday in Canada. I woke up anxious & couldn't figure out why until I realized it's because today feels like a Saturday and I almost died on a Saturday, just over 6wks ago. I almost killed myself.
This is how I'm getting better.
Today is a holiday in Canada. I woke up anxious & couldn't figure out why until I realized it's because today feels like a Saturday and I almost died on a Saturday, just over 6wks ago. I almost killed myself.
This is how I'm getting better.
Saturdays have been hard ever since that particular one. But they also mark a progression from hitting absolute bottom, *knowing* I would die, to where I am today, which is worlds better already.
I've spent every day since that hospital appointment working on my recovery.
I've spent every day since that hospital appointment working on my recovery.
My diagnosis is "anxiety disorder and mood disorder based in trauma." That means trauma triggers whatever happens next. Feeling anxious? Trauma. Feeling suicidal? Trauma. All of it is triggered by childhood trauma.
So that's what I've been working on. Trauma therapy. Hard stuff.
So that's what I've been working on. Trauma therapy. Hard stuff.
At first I stopped anything I could and focused on healing. (Still had to work, but reduced my hours) But I was in a really bad place. Now I've been able to reduce the time I work on trauma recovery to ~2hrs. These can include:
- Therapy
- Writing
- Reading
- Mindfulness
- Yoga
- Therapy
- Writing
- Reading
- Mindfulness
- Yoga
I also talk to myself like I would someone I love. Whenever I feel fearful, hurt or upset in any way I think about how I would treat someone else in my shoes. I wouldn't hurt her further, I would embrace her. I would take care of her. I would be there for her. I deserve that too.
Childhood trauma means I never learned how to fully love, value and respect myself. Instead, I hovered in a place that waffled between self-loathing and victimhood. So I am teaching myself how to love me now. It's working, but it takes a lot of practice.
A book I've found infinitely helpful so far to understand trauma is The Body Keeps the Score by by Bessel Van der Kolk MD. It's opened my eyes to seeing how this is a full-body experience and it takes full-body healing. I'm not finished yet but it's heavily highlighted!
It's going to take years of work & maintenance work to get to where I want to be. But I can tell you that I already feel like I have real confidence for the first time ever, a real sense of self, some actual self-esteem, and I am growing every day. And it's only been six weeks.
I'm sharing this very personal part of my life because I know what it's like to be in a dark place. I know that mental illness is often invalidated or dismissed by those around us. I know it's real and I believe you. You are not alone on this journey and it doesn't have to end.
I look forward to a time when Saturdays (and days that feel like them) are just another day for me. I'll get there. Healing takes time. One day, I'll forget how many weeks it's been.
But like a phoenix, I'm already more powerful than I was before. I'm no longer locked in trauma.
But like a phoenix, I'm already more powerful than I was before. I'm no longer locked in trauma.
