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My little brother called me recently. He'd just read an essay I'd written. He said "let me read this bit to you." He quoted something I'd written about my feelings of shame, and then he started to cry.
I asked why he was crying, and he said because I'd been through this and he hadn't known. I reminded him that he had been a child and that it hadn't been his job to help. He said: "This happened to you, & it still happens to women. It is our fault. We have to make it stop."
I have never loved my brother more than in that moment. I know lots of good men, across races, religions, & religiosity. I was raised by one. The one thing they have in common, is that they never shirk their responsibility.
They don't say 'not all men.' They say 'I believe you. Now, let's fix this together. If you're instinct has been to calling out the silence, then please, take a breath, think, and ask 'how can we help?'
Because it's easy for abuser to say 'I made a mistake' get some therapy and move on with his life. Victims of trauma never heal.
All the counselling in the world only helps us to learn to live with the experience. There is no brain wipe, there are only coping strategies. And so you never know when you are going to be triggered. It is no longer in your control.
So please, before you start to say 'he made a mistake and is sorry. Let's move on.' Remember that there are women who he has scarred for life. For ever.
