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The past few years have been a rollercoaster of emotions and life lessons. While I knew I had a gift, some experiences and certain statements by people had me undermining myself and agreeing with the negative statements.
The past few years have been a rollercoaster of emotions and life lessons. While I knew I had a gift, some experiences and certain statements by people had me undermining myself and agreeing with the negative statements.
Negativity, like a virus, grows so rapidly. Defeatist thoughts were magnified in my mind and when I didn't get any calls to sing at places and events, I believed it was because I didn't deserve it.
I resented the sound of my voice. The unbridled passion I had for singing kept plummeting with each passing day. I felt powerless even when I prayed. I was too gentle to fake emotions on stage. I thought, " If only I could go crazy on stage, I would be called powerful too. "
And for the longest time, numbers bothered me. I was convinced it proved my value and I often assumed something as trivial as few likes on a cool photo on Instagram foretold the success I would have in my music. I felt so small and depressed.
My faith in God around that time was also waning. My mind wandered a lot. I read, saw, did and listened to things that kept rolling me faraway from God. I was very unhappy, fearful, irritable, envious, the whole shebang! Everything didn't seem to be working well in my life.
However, His tender mercies ran after me. God allowed me to take a break to reflect on my life and reorient my thinking. God revealed to me the most important things in life which were my relationship with him, my family, my friends and my business ventures, things outside MUSIC
I committed to a full Marie Kondo cleanse and evict things that didn't bring me joy out of my life. I took some time away from social media, concerts, music in general to focus on living life itself- to get closer to God, to build relationships, to have fun, to focus on my work
These words became true to me - "There is more to life than music." I was able to confess it to myself daily and really mean it. It didn't take as long as I had anticipated to get me back on a path of happiness.
Many people wondered why I wasn't on social media as much as before... I was healing and healing fast.
I was finally in a place in my life where if I never got a call to sing on any stage or garnered a single view on my singing videos, I was fine. It did not define me.
I was finally in a place in my life where if I never got a call to sing on any stage or garnered a single view on my singing videos, I was fine. It did not define me.
My value was in God and in the way I lived my life- the way I treated people, the experiences I allowed myself to have.
I was now ready and by that I mean I was willing to WAIT. I was willing to wait till when God says "GO".
I was now ready and by that I mean I was willing to WAIT. I was willing to wait till when God says "GO".
I was willing to wait till when I had enough knowledge and resources to make the right decisions. I was able to see fame and big platforms as mere tools to do God's work and not a measure of my worth nor stamp of approval that God is 'really using' me.
I did not mind staying in my local church, singing and playing the keyboard for the rest of my life if that is all God would have me do. I was no longer seeking validation from people (bigger music icons). I was content with God.
It has not been an easy journey for me. Still isn't but I am so blessed and grateful to have hope again. I'm privileged to have such joy and peace now. I don't have everything but I lack nothing. I have the freedom to pursue all that I want to pursue with the RIGHT HEART.
I'm not in it for the fame or even the money ( I mean it's gospel, who am I kidding) but I'm in it because I love music, I appreciate my gift and I am grateful to be used by God.
In fact, my closest friends and family know that, I'd rather stay at home, lounging in the couch, gnawing on pizza and having spirited conversations. However, I've got the music in me and I want to share it with all who care for it.
