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I want to share some advice I gave to an ex who was constantly sexually abused and harassed. She told me this advice has helped. These are some tactics abusers abuse and how you can counter them.
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A thread:
1. Remember this word: reciprocation. When someone does you a favor, you are inclined to return a favor. This is basic human nature and a system of indebtedness that a lot of abusers take advantage of unfortunately.
As a person it is natural to feel internal discomfort and external shame (what the abuser or others may think of you/label you) if you do not return a favor. Knowing this, they can create future obligations from you and pile your “favor” debt.
Examples of favors by abusers: buying drinks at a bar, buying dinner, buying you gifts, teaching you how to play a video game, introducing you to a new scene/town you are new to, subbing to you on Twitch, giving you money, emotionally supporting you
2. Some of these are called uninvited favors: things the victim never asked for. Abusers will throw you in the system of reciprocation without you knowing. This allows them to reduce your ability to say no and refuse unwanted exchanges.
Did you ever ask for that gift? Did you ever ask for that twitch sub? Did you ever ask them to buy you a drink? You might feel bad refusing anything they already committed to
The abuser already determines the initial favor and the future favor they desire from you right from the start. How is this fair for the victims? What happened to reciprocation?
3. Debt-cancelling favors by victims: these favors are done to eliminate the uncomfortable sense of obligation victims feel when receiving favors. We have been conditioned by society to feel internal discomfort and external shame when you don’t return favors.
Examples of debt-cancelling favors: giving someone your number, going to lunch, accepting a Discord friend request, following back on social media, sending pictures/videos, sexual acts
4. Rejection-then-retreat technique by abusers: a big favor that was rejected is changed to a smaller favor to increase compliance from the victim. The victim often feels free of debt, responsible, and satisfied they created a “deal”.
Example: the abuser asks for nudes after doing a favor and the victim says no. To increase compliance from the victim, the abuser switches to a smaller favor: pictures with suggestive clothing.
The victim is already feeling internal discomfort and a sense of obligation. The victim agrees because the second favor seems smaller and they want the discomfort to disappear. The return favor makes an unfair exchange. these exchanges create more exchanges like these
An everyday example of this technique: you sign up at a gym and they offer you a “complimentary” personal training session. At the end of the session they want you to buy sessions. They offer packages of 30, 20, 10, 5 sessions to increase compliance. you feel obligated to buy
5. How to COUNTER the system of reciprocation: The system of reciprocation ONLY applies if the initial favor is a GENUINE favor. You do NOT need to reciprocate a lie, trick, or illusion for a favor. This leads to...
*THE MOST IMPORTANT TAKEAWAY: THE MENTAL ACT OF REDEFINITION. If you are ever feeling guilty or a sense of obligation after RECEIVING a favor, you must ask yourself this: Was this a genuine favor or an exploitation attempt?
Once you determine the initial offer was not a favor but a LIE, treat it as a LIE. You can now respond on those terms. The KEY is to FREE YOURSELF of any GUILT or SHAME. You do not owe them SHIT because they never gave you SHIT!
Example: An abuser buys you drinks at a bar. As the night goes on they say some words that make you feel uncomfortable. They ask if you want to come over their place. You feel a sense of obligation because you already accepted the drinks from them.
Using the mental act of redefinition you ask yourself: did they buy me drinks because they wanted me to have a good time or was it a lie and they want me to be sexually available?
You identify that the favor of buying drinks was an exploitation attempt. You do not feel guilty or have a need to comply with their demands anymore. You no longer feel you owe them anything (going to their place, your number, your snapchat).
Obviously this is just an example. You may end up with a debt-cancelling favor of giving your snapchat instead of your number because of their rejection-then-retreat technique. The point is to practice REDEFINING what the initial favor was for you to free yourself of GUILT.
The mental act of definition is usually used after receiving an initial favor because there may be people who want to genuinely help. So don’t get this twisted: you can accept initial offers and give people the benefit of the doubt. This is to free yourself from LIES and DECEIT
Genuine favors for genuine favors is how we live individually and societally. Abusers do not engage in natural human interactions: they are deceiving, manipulative, and cowardly. There will always be genuine people and opportunistic trash
Obviously the abusers shouldn’t be behaving like this in the first place.This post is my way of helping even though it may be a temporary solution. My heart goes out to all the victims. Please never blame yourselves
