i was explaining the saga of the fake cop starbucks tampon to offline brian and said "but no tampon in the world expands lengthwise! unless it had been altered somehow?" he immediately said "yeah they wanted it to look 'used' to horrible men so they cut the vertical stitching"

like they had no understanding really of tampons themselves and they had a pack of new ones, they dunked one, they pulled it out and it had only expanded horizontally, and they thought "that doesn't look like it's been pulled out of some antifa barista bitch"

so they used some awful little cop knife as a seam ripper to structurally compromise a second one before dunking. to give the visual impression of having been pulled from a space under pressure, at least enough to fool 300 gross dads. i think this is a good theory

if this is true feminist scholars can probably make hay out of the fear of the crushing power of a vagina this exhibits as if they weren't busy enough already

they ripped the seam. somebody with a pack of OB test this? i only have the applicator ones for guest use cuz i'm a reusable cup gal myself. anyway i think they ripped the seam in order to visually underline the implication that this was U S E D and R E M O V E D F R O M

they did this in their car in the target parking lot probably. they are not intellectually capable of understanding what would happen to menstruating people if tampons could expand or god forbid snap lengthwise

doing science

we are getting nowhere with Up and Up brand applicators, you just can't expand them lengthwise past an inch, you can't. we tried slicing the internal stitching, we tried cutting it vertically in half and stacking it on the cord. you can't. it's one inch long

it's actually very neatly made, ive made rope before from raw hemp fiber and brian won a knot competition at camporee, this is beautiful stitching. i'm going to ask my friend jesse who is an industrial stitch machinist but i think he'll say the same

what we have here is two tampons, one pulled apart sideways slightly and one untouched. strings laid together and tied in a square knot. let's try it

okay! okay! if this were coated in icy foam we might be getting somewhere! again this is two tampons spliced top to bottom

how we came to the idea of it being two tampons together is the structure of a partial veil mushroom. it's obvious that the bottom of the cap has been ripped away from halfway up the stipe when it unfurled

anyway obviously my mom is asleep right now but she has a masters in textiles and historic textile preservation and archaeology. i'm going to bring that bitch and her commercial serger a selection of cheap tampons and a caramel frap and then we'll see where the fuck we stand