OK, SO SCIENCE QUEEN @UPULIE SAY HER BIGGEST LORD OF RINGS BRAIN EVER, ME SAY ME SAW MOVIE ONCE AND MAYBE READ BOOKS 800 YEARS AGO, PLUS THAT ONE GAME WHERE YOU JUMP OFF THINGS ONTO ORCS.

HERE GO: ME, GRIMLOCK, SUMMARY OF LORD OF THE RINGS.
SO LONG TIME AGO SITH LORD SAURON TRICK ELVES INTO MAKE HIM RINGS OF POWER INSTEAD OF TOYS OR DELICIOUS COOKIES.

THIS PISS EVERYONE OFF.
THERE BIG FIGHT, LIKE BLOW ENTIRE BUDGET OF GAME OF THRONES ON ONE FIGHT BIG, EXCEPT BETTER ACTING AND IT RELEVANT TO PLOT.

SAURON WINNING, BUT TRIP ON ROCK AND DROP RING IN RIVER. BAD NEWS, ELF RINGS ALL COME WITH EMERGENCY FLOTATION DEVICES AND IT FLOAT AWAY.
FAST FORWARD TO HOBBIT VILLAGE. ELBOW BAGGINS GIVE NEPHEW HAN FRODO RING OF POWER, NEVERMIND WHOLE STOLE IT FROM SOME METH ADDICT IN A CAVETHING, HIM HAD EXCITING YOUTH.

GANDOLF SEE RANDOM KID GET MOST POWERFUL WEAPON IN UNIVERSE AND ALL “THIS IS FINE.”
HAN FRODO, HIS DOG SAM, GANDOLF AND TWO FRIENDS OF THE GM THAT SHOWED UP LATE AND JUST WROTE “HOBBITS” ON CHARACTER SHEETS HEAD TO SLIGHTLY LARGER VILLAGE TO MEET SOME GUY WITH A SWORD BECAUSE US FACE IT THEM ALL GOING TO DIE WITHOUT AT LEAST ONE GUY WITH A SWORD.
SOME SITH SHOW UP, THINGS GET SPOOKY, HAN FRODO PUT ON THE RING AND END UP IN THE UPSIDE DOWN, THEN THEY ALL CRASH AT SWORD GUY'S EX-GIRFRIEND'S PLACE WHERE ZOMBIE SITH DUDES NOT ALLOWED BECAUSE ELF HAVE STRICT HOA LIKE YOU NOT EVEN BELIEVE.
ELVES ARE ALL "HOW YOU GUYS EVEN ALIVE? HAVE SOME LEVEL UPS WHILE SWORD GUY STARE LONGINGLY INTO EX-GIRLFRIEND EYES FOR 200 YEARS. THAT WHY THEM NEVER DATE HUMANS, DUMB HUMANS KEEP DYING OF OLD AGE BEFORE GET TO 1ST BASE.
GANDALF SHOW UP AGAIN, BECAUSE WHEN THERE TWO WIZARDS IN WHOLE BOOK AND OTHER ONE WITH NAME SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE TYPO FOR BIG BAD GO "I LOOKED IN THE DO NOT LOOK IN ORB OF BECOME EVIL BOX AND NOW I AM EVIL" YOU GOING TO BE BUSY SOME TIMES, HOGWARTHS NOT RUN ITSELF YOU KNOW.
NEXT PART BASICALLY TREES, MORE TREES, WTF ENOUGH FUCKING TREES SCREW THIS WE'LL TAKE THE SHORTCUT THROUGH THE DUNGEON OF CERTAIN DOOM AT LEAST WE'LL BE DEAD OF SOMETHING EXCITING INSTEAD OF MORE TREES.
DUNGEON PART 1: DWARVES FORGOT PASSWORD AND HAVE WORST CAPTCHA EVER, PLUS A LAKE CTHULHU. BECAUSE THOSE JUST LAYING AROUND ALL OVER THE PLACE.
DUNGEON PART 2: ALL THE GOBLINS. OR ORCS. OR TROLLS. OR ALL THREE, THERE LOTS OF INTERBREEDING OR REALLY UNCLEAR WRITING BECAUSE WE CAN GET EXACT DETAILS ON WHAT KIND OF FERN SWORD GUY STEP ON ONCE BUT NOT WHICH UGLY MINION OF EVIL DOING EVIL IS WHICH.
DUNGEON PART 3: THE MIGHTIEST WIZARD IN ALL OF MIDDLE EARTH CAN LOCK A DOOR!

SERIOUSLY.

LEARN FIREBALL, MAYBE?

REAL REASON GANDALF INSIST ON WALK OVER MOUNTAINS WAS HE PACKED EXTRA SOCKS INSTEAD OF MAGIC.
DUNGEON PART 4: GANDALF REMEMBER HOW TO WIZARD WHEN BOSS MONSTER SHOW UP, GO SUPER SAIYAN AND "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" AND THEN YOU REALIZE THIS ACTUALLY JUST DOOR LOCK SPELL AGAIN.

NO, REALLY. HE GOT ONE SPELL LIKE RINCEWIND, BUT HIS IS "SUPER CROSSING GUARD."
TO MAKE SURE NO ONE SEE HIM CLUBBING BOSS MONSTER TO DEATH WITH "ENTRY PREVENTUS" SPELL, GANDALF JUMP OFF OF BRIDGE AND BALROG FALL INTO DUNGEONSTAR REACTOR CORE, SAVING REBEL ALLIANCE LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO WALK THROUGH 300 MORE PAGES OF TREES.
EVERYONE DECIDE BEST PLAN FRODO AND SAM SNEAK OFF ON OWN BECAUSE ALL SEEING EYE OF SAURON EASILY FOOLED BY SWORD GUY TRENDING ON TWITTER WHEN HIM TURN OUT TO BE KING OF GIANT ARMY 10 FEET FROM MORDOR DOING NOTHING WHILE ORC-DOUGH FUN FACTORY CHURN OUT TROOPS.
PROBLEM WITH SEND TWO RANDOM DUDES TO FIND OFFICIAL RING DISPOSAL VOLCANO IS... IT HARD. LUCKILY METH ADDICT UNCLE ELBOW MUGGED FOR RING SHOW UP THANKS TO FIND MY I-RING FEATURE, AND AGREE TO BETRAY THEM IN EXCHANGE FOR LEAD THEM TO THEIR DEATH.
EXCITING BATTLE SCENES! DWARF AND ELF TOTALLY PLATONIC MAN-LOVE! THE ONLY OTHER FEMALE IN MIDDLE EARTH KILLS MEDIEVAL ZOMBIE SITH LORD THANKS TO VERY POORLY WORDED PATRIARCHY-BASED PROTECTION SPELL.
BIG BATTLE JUST DISTRACTION, FOR SAURON AND READERS SO NEITHER DIE OF BOREDOM READING ABOUT FRODO AND SAM WALKING ON ROCKS AND WONDERING IF MAYBE READ AN ISSUE OF "THE OUTDOORSMAN" OR GET A MAP BETTER THAN TRUST GUY THAT WANT TO KILL YOU AND FUCK YOUR JEWELRY.
CARRY RING UP MT. DOOM WITH BEST FRIEND AND NAKED METH HEAD REALLY JUST METAPHOR FOR GROWING UP OR THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP OR RING LYING ABOUT IN CAVES IS NO SYSTEM FOR BESTOW SUPREME EXECUTIVE POWER OR NEXT TIME ELVES INSTALL BETTER DELETE ACCOUNT THAN THROW IN VOLCANO.
BOOM! HAN FRODO NOW FRODO NINE-FINGERS, AND ME JUST REALIZE THAT MAYBE INTENTIONAL REFERENCE BY ABERCROMBIE, THAT BASTARD.

SAURON GO POOF, MORDOR GO POOF, ORCS DECIDE TO GO WORK SOMEWHERE WITH BETTER CONDITIONS LIKE AMAZON, RAINBOWS APPEAR, HOORAY!
WHAT OUR HEROES WIN FOR SAVING ENTIRE WORLD?

HAVE TO LEAVE ALONG WITH EVERYTHING MAGIC AND COOL, BECAUSE TURN SETTING BORING WHAT EVERY READER HOPING FOR!

IF YOU NOT WANT TO WRITE ANY MORE BOOKS, YOU COULD JUST NOT WRITE THEM, TOLKIEN.
THAT IT! THAT LORD OF RINGS! ME PRETTY SURE ME REMEMBER EVERY IMPORTANT DETAIL EXACTLY LIKE IT IN ORIGINAL BOOKS.

OR ELSE.
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