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handyman guy I work with is old school Chicago, late 60s, who's been living in W. Tulsa for decades; we've spent all week together and, yesterday, he said "faggot" and "fag," once each, and I overlooked it and he thinks I'm straight and I've been thinking a lot about it
1, there's a "phatic" use of bigoted words that doesn't necessarily link with action - as in, he'd absolutely, if he knew I'm gay and saw someone attacking, jump in on my side - so, is that "homophobia?" Personally, I don't call it that.
2, there's a sense w a lot of ppl that I have this duty to both out myself & explain etc. You know what? I'm tired. Both physically - I am literally in bed bc I overworked my body today - and emotionally. I am not called to work 24/7 - it's not OUR work as minorities: it's theirs
Expecting a minority to do all the work explaining themselves is part of how bigotry/prejudice functions. No. We're working together. If there's a time when we sit down and get personal, hell yeah I'll talk about it if it comes up. If not? That's not what we're together to do.
3, OTOH, hell no I do not give white evangelical Christians the benefit of the doubt the way I'm giving a crass, atheist, trash talking, sweet and gentle-hearted late 60s retiree. First group is a privileged class politically dedicated to eradicating me from the public sphere.
Whereas, this guy? Once he does find out, I already know: he'll go to his grave sworn to defend me any time I need it. His use of words like "fag" are part of a phatic function of language which, too often, we mistake as the thing itself. Words are not a thing. Things are things.
