Read on Twitter
Lots of recent talk on Twitter about serial harassers in our industry, barcon, etc. And, look, I'm not very eloquent on Twitter (I write fiction, folks), but I'm going to try. The harassment that happens at barcon affects *the whole con*. A story about my worst panel ever:
It was LTUE 2018, one of the very last panels of the last day of the conference. On "Communications Throughout History." Which is awesome. I love history. I love talking about history. I'm the only woman on the panel.
In that bit of time before the panel starts, the other writers are all...weird around me. Weird, and super-gentle, like they think I'm made of glass OR that I'm a volcano about to go off.
All I can think is: do they think I'm going to be upset because I'm the only woman here? Or do they think I can't hold my own on this topic because I'm a woman?
When we actually get started, I feel calmer. I'm VERY HAPPY to ramble about history. But then...it gets weirder.
Every time I make a point and the guy to my right follows, he makes a big deal about how yes, SHE made a good point, and I will now expand ON THE GOOD THOUGHTS OF THE WOMAN OVER THERE.
If I were in the audience, I would imagine that this Hutchins lady on the panel has taken the deferential guy's cat hostage, and that's why he's praising everything she says.
I want to make an announcement that I have done no such things, except: what if I have done something to make everyone uncomfortable? All the weirdness is centered on me, after all.
When it's over, the older cowboy-dressed gentleman to my right asks me softly if I'm okay. The weirdness remains. I have entered some kind of Twilight Zone.
Somehow, I have terrified everyone. I have messed up. I have somehow exuded Super Angry Feminist vibes and people are worried about me or don't feel safe around me and I don't even know how I've screwed up and I don't know how to apologize or make it better.
I tell the cowboy gentleman I'm fine, shake his hand, meet up with my brother, and leave the conference. Hurrah. It is over. Except it isn't.
I get home that evening and check Twitter for the first time in three days. The guy to my right? The one who was all weirdly emphasizing that THE WOMAN HAS A GOOD BRAIN? Yeah. He'd just been outed by many women as a serial harasser at cons. He's just been outed AGAIN this week.
I have spent a lot of time since that panel thinking about who in that room knew. The nice cowboy gentleman? Probably. The harasser on my right sure did. Given all the nervous tension on the panel, I'm guessing plenty of other people actually read Twitter during the con.
But I didn't. And no one told me. I had blamed all the weirdness on myself and I wonder who else in the audience did, too. I wonder who else looked at me and thought, "she must be difficult to work with" and then never learned what was really going on.
So, anyway, the point of all this: lots of people are talking about barcon, and how to make that a more safe and professional space. And that's GOOD. I just wanted to add to that --
The horrible things that happen at barcon impacts, yes, first and foremost those who are harassed there. And it also affects the super-professional structured space of panels. It affects the whole con. It affects the whole industry. That's all. Thanks for reading.
