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About 20 years ago a friend called me out for some bad behavior. The calling-out was unpleasant, and I checked with OTHER friends to ask "AITA?" (←so nice to have an acronym for this now!) and they basically said "yeah, that's a thing you do," and then gave examples.
The best one-word description for the behavior would be "bullying," and for the purposes of this thread I'll leave it at that. Suffice it to say, the answer to AITA? was yes.
I asked my boss about it (I had a corporate job—middle management—back then) and to paraphrase his answer: "sure, but you're OUR asshole."
To my credit, this did not make me feel better. It did, however, become something of a theme in my later work.
To my credit, this did not make me feel better. It did, however, become something of a theme in my later work.
About 10 years later I was presenting at a local event, and the friend who had called me out was there for my session. The session was "Charisma is not a Dump Stat," and it was basically about how your career will be better if you genuinely care about others.
After the session she came up to me and our conversation went something like this:
HER: "That was amazing. I'm sorry for 10 years ago. I was wrong about you."
ME: "No, you were RIGHT about me. Thank you for 10 years ago."
And then we hugged, and we were okay.
HER: "That was amazing. I'm sorry for 10 years ago. I was wrong about you."
ME: "No, you were RIGHT about me. Thank you for 10 years ago."
And then we hugged, and we were okay.
Some key points here:
1) TEN YEARS.
2) It's been ANOTHER ten years since then, and I'm pretty sure I'm still the asshole. Work in progress.
3) Being paid to be unkind to other people is the worst.
1) TEN YEARS.
2) It's been ANOTHER ten years since then, and I'm pretty sure I'm still the asshole. Work in progress.
3) Being paid to be unkind to other people is the worst.
And let's add: neither my friend, nor anyone else "owed" me the calling-out, or the forgiveness. Yes, they were things I needed, and am glad to have had, but they were not things to which I was entitled. I may have "deserved" the talking-to, but no way did I "earn" forgiveness.
