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Ok, fellas, look. I know you’re shocked that this guy or that guy is a creep. I know you’re having some big feelings. But please, I beg you, before you go tweeting or DMing those big feelings at someone who has just come forward with a story of harassment or abuse, please think.
To be clear, I’m not setting up strawmen here. These are all versions of messages that I got after the Berganza story broke, and that I’m seeing other people get now:
“I want to punch that guy!” This puts the person you’re writing to, who is already reliving a trauma, in the position of also having to manage your anger. It’s violence on top of violence. Please don’t.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Because the system is set up to keep us quiet, or because we did and you didn’t listen, or a hundred other reasons, all of which are beside the point because this isn’t about you. This question, however well-intentioned, has shades of victim-blaming.
“I swear I had no idea, and if I had had some idea I would have done something!” Cool story. Notice that it’s, once again, a story all about you?
“What a shame, he worked on some of my favorite books.” Sir, I don’t give a wet fart if he painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. He traumatized people and drove them out of the industry. His career is not the one we should be mourning.
“I feel bad and guilty for some reason that I might not even bother to explain to you coherently! Forgive me!”
No.
No.
Anger, confusion, guilt: they’re all reasonable and understandable. Don’t aim them in such a way that the person who came forward is forced to respond directly to them.
If what you want to do is support people coming forward, think about how to avoid inadvertently adding to their burdens in the process. But if what you really want to do is make yourself feel better? Think about why that is the most important thing to you, and then think again.
