the intersection of narcissism and gaslighting

a thread

the two words come together in conversation a lot these days

when I mention them together in the abstract people often ask me what I mean

here's an example 1/x

Step 1

you're communicating with someone about something important

can be a personal, business, or other matter

point is it has significance to you

they communicate P with regard to it

you begin making plans, organizing your life around, or just planning to discuss P 2/x

Step 2

you're communicating with the same person a few hours or days later

they say Q in place of P

you say “but you said P”

they say “no I didn’t; I said Q all along”

sometimes there's receipts (text, e-mail)

sometimes there's not

point is the disjunction matters 3/x

you're well aware the other person changed their position on a matter of significance

you tell them so

they say no, they always said Q

(sometimes that they always meant Q)

you inform them this changes things

then they blame you for hearing P when they said Q 4/x

let's define narcissism as an interaction where the self-esteem or self-image of at least one person is at stake

the other party can't acknowledge misspeaking or changing their position

because to do so would be to admit to imperfection

and experienced as humiliating 5/x

the gaslighting comes in when they rewrite history

to suit their need to maintain a perfect self-image

and you're left doing the emotional work of reconciling P and Q

lather, rinse, repeat 6/6