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Jumping back on my own thread because I want to explicitly address how self-professed "nice guys" end up doing this sort of thing.
See, as much as it's a stereotype that geeks, especially straight geek dudes, didn't get a lot of lady-attention during their formative years... sometimes it's still true. And while many dudes don't use this as a subconscious excuse to creep... some do.
In a nutshell: what happens is, power corrupts, and frankly some dudes only find it easy to be "nice" when there's zero contextual opportunity to be anything else.
Then, suddenly, they become A Name in their profession, and women at cons want to talk to them! More potential female attention than they've ever had before, from women who appreciate all the stuff they have a chip on their shoulder about women not liking in highschool!
And these guys think, "It's not creeping if I hit on these women, because THEY'RE the ones approaching ME! It's not gross if they're genuinely interested in me and my writing, because I'm not doing a cold approach - I'm just reacting to their vibe!"
See, the dude in this moment either forgets or ignores that he's at a professional event. Outside of panels, SFF cons don't often feel professional in the way that most jobs we have to work otherwise do. They feel like fun! Everyone is an equal! Except:
- the only reason they're being approached so openly in such numbers IS BECAUSE OF THEIR PROFESSIONAL STANDING. Any overtures of friendship here are coming in at least a semi-professional capacity, not because you clicked the magic button and your Tinder wishlist sprang to life.
But still, these guys think, "But maybe I really like this girl, huh? Why should I miss out on a potential awesome relationship just because we're at a con?" Except, outside of this justification, they're not thinking about a relationship. The timeframe's too brief.
They're not REALLY thinking, "Wow, I could get to know this woman over a period of days or weeks and then, if we feel the same way, maybe I could ask her out." They're thinking, "holy shit, maybe I can have sex in a hotel room!" or "oh wow, BOOBS. Gotta comment!"
You know how I know this? Because THAT'S HOW IT BECOMES A PATTERN. Someone doing serial monogamy with people they just so happen to meet at cons? Not a creep. Someone who looks forward to cons because they KNOW they'll be approached by more women than otherwise? CREEP.
Because what these guys then fall into the habit of doing, whether they consciously realise it or not, is viewing the women they meet at cons primarily as potential sexual conquests and/or ego-candy, NOT AS POTENTIAL PEERS. But they're still *nice guys,* so it can't be an issue!
Which is why they react with outrage, distress and/or hostility the first time they get called on it. What, can't a guy be interested in a woman AT ALL without being yelled at? They don't want to admit that they're taking advantage of a professional setting to be personally gross
- and unless they sit the fuck down, do some serious self-reflection, apologise and actively work to be better? THIS is when they start trying to cut the women who "can't handle a joke" and "don't have a sense of humour" out of their professional circles.
It might not even be a conscious thing (after all, you're not doing anything wrong! that person is just being judgemental and harsh, and you don't want to call them out and make it, like, a THING, you're a Nice Guy who likes feminism! you just... don't wanna talk to them, either)
but that's how the pattern starts. They start to cultivate the fans and industry peers around them at cons as potential hookup pools, and tell themselves they're just enjoying the right not to be criticised while they're having fun.
From there, it's a short step to thinking it's funny to piss off "that kind of person" by overtly joking grossly to make them go away faster; to learning behavioural shortcuts to insure the greatest number of potential hookups to fewest number of critics.
And suddenly it's been years, and this established dude has completely forgotten what it's like NOT to be surrounded by eager, interested women at cons; it might not happen elsewhere in his life, but that only cements cons as The Best Time For Hookups instead of pro events.
As he grows in influence, he doesn't consider that the women flocking to him want or have careers of their own; after all, they're there for HIM. There's no impropriety; it's not like he's *forcing* them or anything. He's only cultivating the people he has around him, that's all.
And meanwhile, all those women who he upsets, ignores, or fucks and dumps, and never considers as peers or future peers or equals - those women talk to each other. They steadily realise they're not alone; they form networks. They warn others. And then, eventually - they speak.
