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One year ago I was asked a question which I think I’m finally prepared to answer.
“Does gender dysphoria ever go away?”
“Does gender dysphoria ever go away?”
I didn’t know how to respond. I had never thought of it as a thing that would just disappear. I dreamed of just existing in public without a mask, without fear. I could exist in private with someone, be a mother, a sister, a daughter, a wife, and then, maybe then, it’d go away?
A year ago I held on to the dreams of my childhood—of finally taking that razor blade and making myself whole in spite of a god who had failed to do so and then, it’d all be better, I’d magically transform into a cis woman, and everyone would accept it.
But that’s a lie.
But that’s a lie.
I moved on to thinking of it in a statistical sense, with studies confirming that dysphoria decreased this much or that much with hormones and surgery and blah blah blah
That led me to where I am now... still waiting to have just enough stacked together to be able to afford me.
That led me to where I am now... still waiting to have just enough stacked together to be able to afford me.
That’s the real irony right? I wear glasses and I have to pay hundreds of dollars to be a functional human being. So too must I pay tens of thousands of dollars to be able to see myself as I am.
Trans people are a capitalistic surgeon’s motherload.
Trans people are a capitalistic surgeon’s motherload.
But then I considered today something I never really have before. That dysphoria will never go away for me. It will always be that nagging little voice no matter how stealth I go or how many surgeries I get.
There will always be something.
There will always be something.
“What was life like growing up?” “Who’s your gyno?” “Why don’t you come swimming more often?” “You can take it off, we’re all women here.” Every changing room, bathroom, airport security line, doctor’s visit... it’ll always be there.
And I’m happy for that. Fuck it. I’m transgender and I’m a woman, and I will always for both of those things and fucking proud of it.
I’ll never outrun it, but that way of thinking is just deeply ingrained internalized transphobia.
I’ll never outrun it, but that way of thinking is just deeply ingrained internalized transphobia.
Trans is beautiful.
And I can be beautiful too.
And I can be beautiful too.
