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Long, but important.
Badmouthing a child's parent to them or publicly where they can see/hear it is abusive.
I was afraid I had actually harmed my oldest by going too far in the opposite direction with her about her step-father by making excuses for & defending him so much... 1/7
Badmouthing a child's parent to them or publicly where they can see/hear it is abusive.
I was afraid I had actually harmed my oldest by going too far in the opposite direction with her about her step-father by making excuses for & defending him so much... 1/7
...that she thought I didn't believe her when she reported abuse. She's been very clear lately where the real harm was though, and that is with her step-father badmouthing both me and her biological father.
After a big discussion she agreed to not badmouth her step-father... 2/7
After a big discussion she agreed to not badmouth her step-father... 2/7
...in front of her baby sister to avoid harming her. She can talk about events & actions being bad, but not people being bad if they are genetically related to anybody in the family. That's my rule.
She spent part of her childhood being told I was fat, ugly & stupid by him... 3/7
She spent part of her childhood being told I was fat, ugly & stupid by him... 3/7
...and being lied to about her real father by him while being forced to call him dad. The two people she is genetically related to were badmouthed & she internalized that a lot. Since being free from the abuse I have been allowed to answer her questions about her real father. 4/7
I've been able to tell her he was super smart with computers, loved animals & he wouldn't hurt a fly when he was clean. Unfortunately he struggled with addiction. He was dangerous when he was on meth. I was honest with her. We also talked about addiction & that genetic link. 5/7
I know how much it helped her to hear the truth, instead of her step-father's lies about him being bad & a deadbeat. She came to her own conclusion that when he couldn't stay clean staying away was an act of love. Kids can't hear just negative about their biological parents. 6/7
The truth is important but always frame the negative as bad choices or bad actions NEVER as them being bad people. If a traumatized teen can understand & agree with that for her younger sibling then any decent adult can too. Kids internalize that shit & it damages them. Stop. 7/7
