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Is this abuse?
Is it happening to you?
These are common tactics abusers use to keep you under their control, a thread:
Is it happening to you?
These are common tactics abusers use to keep you under their control, a thread:
Isolation:
Abusers don't want you talking to anyone so you don't hear other's perspectives. They control you by isolating you from loved ones, telling you that only they care for you, & ask you to keep things secret. Question your loyalty & cause divides between you and others.
Abusers don't want you talking to anyone so you don't hear other's perspectives. They control you by isolating you from loved ones, telling you that only they care for you, & ask you to keep things secret. Question your loyalty & cause divides between you and others.
Gaslighting:
Abusers will make you second guess yourself, and make you feel like you are going mad. You start not to trust your judgments. "You're overreacting". People who are gaslighted will protect their partner and blame themselves instead. Tactic to create a power dynamic.
Abusers will make you second guess yourself, and make you feel like you are going mad. You start not to trust your judgments. "You're overreacting". People who are gaslighted will protect their partner and blame themselves instead. Tactic to create a power dynamic.
Victimizing:
When you confront them about something they did, instead of acknowledging and apologizing, they play the victim. "I hate myself", "I'm a bad person" to gain your sympathy and make you feel bad for making them feel this way. "I'm not good enough for you."
When you confront them about something they did, instead of acknowledging and apologizing, they play the victim. "I hate myself", "I'm a bad person" to gain your sympathy and make you feel bad for making them feel this way. "I'm not good enough for you."
Blame shifting:
Abusers use your weaknesses/habits against you to make you feel inadequate. When you get upset at legitimate problems, they use your past to turn the tables, and before you know it you are apologizing to them, not the other way around. “You can’t take a joke.”
Abusers use your weaknesses/habits against you to make you feel inadequate. When you get upset at legitimate problems, they use your past to turn the tables, and before you know it you are apologizing to them, not the other way around. “You can’t take a joke.”
Grooming:
You feel like soulmates, they mirror you, make you feel that what you have is special. Groomers are pretenders, & unbelievably charming. They establish trust to set the ground for abuse. "You're lucky to have me." Victims feel at fault, because the partner is perfect.
You feel like soulmates, they mirror you, make you feel that what you have is special. Groomers are pretenders, & unbelievably charming. They establish trust to set the ground for abuse. "You're lucky to have me." Victims feel at fault, because the partner is perfect.
Minimization:
They invalidate your feelings & concerns by belittling your self-worth. They tell you that you're too sensitive, are overreacting, or don't give your concerns any weight and dismiss it. If you have issues with their friends, their response: "that's how they are!"
They invalidate your feelings & concerns by belittling your self-worth. They tell you that you're too sensitive, are overreacting, or don't give your concerns any weight and dismiss it. If you have issues with their friends, their response: "that's how they are!"
Silent Treatment:
A very degrading tactic, where they stop responding to you, emotionally withdraw, or withhold intimacy. They do this as a "noble" cause to teach you a lesson, punish you or coerce you into meeting their demands. They force you to fix the situation.
A very degrading tactic, where they stop responding to you, emotionally withdraw, or withhold intimacy. They do this as a "noble" cause to teach you a lesson, punish you or coerce you into meeting their demands. They force you to fix the situation.
Image Management:
Their image is very important to others. Often regarded positively by others and considered trustworthy by many. You are even a poster boy for how great they are. They shift stories so people only see the positive aspects of them. Grounds for future abuse.
Their image is very important to others. Often regarded positively by others and considered trustworthy by many. You are even a poster boy for how great they are. They shift stories so people only see the positive aspects of them. Grounds for future abuse.
Smear Campaign:
They will smear you in front of everyone so you appear to be the unstable one. They are skilled in making people believe them, that people will have difficulties believing your version of events because of their skill in upkeeping image. Makes you feel alone.
They will smear you in front of everyone so you appear to be the unstable one. They are skilled in making people believe them, that people will have difficulties believing your version of events because of their skill in upkeeping image. Makes you feel alone.
Hoovering:
Abusers will try to suck you back into a relationship or keep you from leaving by: declaring undying love, threatening to kill themselves, making future promises, or revealing things that they intended to do. They say something nice and if ignored become mean.
Abusers will try to suck you back into a relationship or keep you from leaving by: declaring undying love, threatening to kill themselves, making future promises, or revealing things that they intended to do. They say something nice and if ignored become mean.
While I could go on & on about tactics abusers use, these are common ones to equip yourself with. Understand how they're used against you, by doing so, you correct the power dynamic they created to control you back into your hands where it rightfully should be. Abusers hate this.
Ways to break out of abuse:
Reach out to others, nothing is too shameful to talk about.
Know your rights.
Don't give their tactics legitimacy by acknowledging them.
Never accept that you deserve what you receive.
You have a voice, say it LOUDLY.
Reach out to others, nothing is too shameful to talk about.
Know your rights.
Don't give their tactics legitimacy by acknowledging them.
Never accept that you deserve what you receive.
You have a voice, say it LOUDLY.
While I know this is easier said than done, and it's never so simple (I've been through multiple abusive relationships), I hope you know that no one can take power away from you, and with help there might be a way out from an abusive life.
I'm also not going to discount the many who have used their voices and spoke about abuse, only for no one to listen/care/act. It has sadly happened too much, and I hope more outspoken voices against abuse will begin to shift the dynamic back to those who deserve it.
If this is happening to you, I'm sorry, but I believe you.
This is one form of abuse I still can't put a name to.
When abusers overpower you in a conversation, don't allow you to speak, or defend yourself. They shut you up, drive you to tears, or force you to leave the conversation/vicinity so that they "win".
When abusers overpower you in a conversation, don't allow you to speak, or defend yourself. They shut you up, drive you to tears, or force you to leave the conversation/vicinity so that they "win".
Sexual coercion:
Being in a relationship, does NOT entail an all around consent pass. Abusers can make you feel guilty, pressured into having sex because they want it or expect it. Often abusers do not relent even when you say no, and many victims will cave to make it "stop".
Being in a relationship, does NOT entail an all around consent pass. Abusers can make you feel guilty, pressured into having sex because they want it or expect it. Often abusers do not relent even when you say no, and many victims will cave to make it "stop".
I’m so sad to see how many are coming forward saying they relate to this checklist of common tactics. I want to remind you all NOT to blame yourselves. You couldn’t have known. Please get professional help or support from those around you. It’s a hard mark, but you CAN heal 
I feel like I've missed many abuse tactics here, but I would love to talk about narcissism someday, and what it's like to live with a narcisstic person.
A lot of people are commenting that this happens to more than just romantic relationships and ABSOLUTELY TRUE. It can be a friend, a family member, a colleague, a boss, the list goes on. I wrote this in light of recent stories coming forth regarding sexual harrasment.
Wish there was a hotline/link I could give y'all to help, but every country is different. Check if there are support groups in your area, even online. Speak out. Whether you were a victim or not consider helping those who are by listening & working with support groups.
