3) sexual attraction!

This one is the kicker because I can be attracted to someone in literally all the ways that are important to me, and this one may never be piqued.

It almost always comes suddenly (innuendo possibly intended), with little warning.

Sometimes it's days, sometimes it's months. Sometimes it never happens.

Also don't forget that aesthetic shortcut, that one confuses me all to hell sometimes.

I'll follow with some examples.

When I first started dating a former partner, we enjoyed time together.

We went for tea and walks, and our dates lasted for like 8+ hours (8 hour dates are kind of a norm for me)

I knew I was attracted to her in a lot of ways.

But sexuality never, ever came up. For months(? Time is weird)

Until one day I saw an excellent instagram post and I was like

Wait. I am entirely attracted to this human.

Anyways. We spent 18 months together and it was great.

Except the end bit but I digress.

Following that, I spent some time avoiding sex. I had 2 encounters that were pretty meh and it's because that sexual attraction was lacking. Kink? Yes. Aesthetic? Sure. Sexual? Hell no. After that I decided it was time for a break. Engage in relationships without any sex.

A few months go by, and I start getting closer to someone in my life. By this point I'd known her for a few months, but we never spent a lot of quality time together.

And wow, it was great. We'd cuddle, and talk, go for walks, engage in spiritual practice, exchange massage,...

Anyways. So, we continue along this path for a while. I didn't once get aroused by her presence. I felt joy and satisfaction, but absolutely nothing sexual.

This was really new to me. In the past I'd engage in sex (it was the norm? I guess?), and that attraction would follow. Maybe. I'm still confused as to whether it was conflated with other attractions or just societal pressures.

Anyways. Time went on. We got closer and closer.

And then I just happened.

Actually it was preceded by energetic sex (let me tell you how fucking great that is, by the way.)

And then sex followed, and to this day we talk about it. We wax and wane in our relationship.

Sometimes sex happens. Sometimes it doesn't.

At the end of the day she's one of my best friends and I'd spend my life with her.

Sex is the least important part of my relationship with her.

It's fun an enjoyable, but doesn't contribute to the core strengths of our relationship.

So, after all this. What is sexual attraction, even.

I've talked about arousal like it's different, and let me tell you it is.

Arousal is a physiological response to stimuli.

Attraction is a part of my core self.

It goes beyond arousal and having sex.

It's a transcendent experience for me.

When I feel it, I just know.

My whole being is woken by this person.

I am sexually attracted to people that check off the other attractions.

They intermingle and create this fabric of arousal that encompasses all of my senses.

When I am sexually attracted to someone, it goes far beyond simply having sex.

It becomes an experience. It's an energetic exchange.

Anyways.

I think that's about it.

I'm demi-sexual because sex is the least important part of a relationship.

It may or may never show up.

But when it does... Woof. It's good.