Y’all, Eric Trump is mking his entrance and he’s throwing maga hats into the audience

He is not a man with much range

I think I’ve seen more people wearing sunglasses inside ethan I have people wearing masks, FWIW

Completely non-scientific count to be sure

Eric Trump is now asking his wife if she’s got something great planned for him for Father’s day, which he thought was today, and then he said he wantedto be left alone because kids are a lot of work.

The crowd seems mostly bemused

I have decided that Eric Trump is very bad at ad-libbing bits. I almost felt bad for dude trying to rescue his bit, which he seemed sure was a winner

Like but imagine trying to tell a joke about how your wife better have something good planned and in front of a few thousand people and the world she has to be like “Maybe you don’t know what day it is, darling"

Pretty sure the ghost of michael jackson is mad right now, they’re playing Billie Jean

There is a man of a certain age on the floor shimmying to Elton John so I guess there are no rules now, it’s the thunderdome

Now I’m just a bit embarrased for Eric because imagine being a warmup speech and then they just go back to the music for twenty minutes

like you’re the warm-up to the ipod DJing

Mike Pence now! He is not throwing anything at the audience.

“on our side you’ve got a president that’s done more for the economy…than any president in my lifetime”

-Mike Pence, not lying but not for the reasons he thinks

I just tried to lean past my laptop and hit myself in the eye and it’s less painful than listening to this speech

Please send booze to anyone fact-checking this, they’re gonna need it

Pence saying Trump oversaw the biggest increase in the military since Reagan

…wouldn’t that be, like, post-9/11 when we straight invented new agencies and went to war and all

Pence now saying Biden sent “pallets of cash” to terrorists in Iran?

He might have said insurgents

I feel like if you have to tell people you’re going to build a wall when that was your biggest campaign promise you’re not doing too well overall

Oh good, Pence on George Floyd: “there’s no excuse for what happened to George Floyd but there’s also no excuse for the rioting, looting and violence that followed”

People go wild.

People also seems to like “we’re not going to defund the police, not now not ever"

Joe Biden will, apparently ,appoint activist judges but Trump is nominating his 200th! Which is better! Activist judges are only good if they’re right wingers!

“Because it’s not just about a record of success. It’s about leadership.”

I…don’t think that’s gonna work for him tbh

“No American who required a ventilator was ever denied a ventilator”

I, uh, wow

Like it’s just a hell of a thing to hear “we’re going to remain vigilant” in front of a few thousand people not wearing masks and yelling their litle hearts out

TBH listening to chants of “drain the swamp” is just fucking funny at a Trump rally given everything we know about the money now

Like last cycle it was silly, now it’s fuckin’ hilarious or would be if it wasn’t my actual country getting grifted by the first family

Pence describes Trump as “a man who says what he means and means what he says” which begs the question of whether Pence knows how words work

“We will make America great again, again! Thank you Oklahoma.”

And he’s done

WAIT ARE THEY DOING AN EMO COVER OF LINKIN PARK

They are. They are doing an emo cover of linkin park’s “in the end” with Trump quotes

You guys I’m suddenly ashamed of having graduated in 1999, I’m so sorry for my generation’s contribution here

Trump comes out and they almost play the Stones but they switch it to Lee Greenwood after the first angelic children singing for a second

Okay every time Trump pumps his fist I just think of shake weights

“We begin our campaign”

Didn’t they do that ages ago? Are his first actual words a lie?

“The silent majority is stronger than ever before”

…so we’re back to that are we?

Let’s get out of these freaking Gap clothes.

Hell of a thing to claim the law and order mantle tbh, even for Trump

People really don’t stop to think how big the judiciary is to these voters, it’s been decades they’ve heard they can have anything they want if they get the right judges

Like, that’s why the evangelicals are sticking anyway

He’s now talking about how VA care is free to vets like he invented it

Apparently before Trump the “sadistic” VA workers were “because of the unions maybe” impossible to fire

Which, given the discussion on policing, seems like a thing you might not want to complain about?

IDK, I live in reality though so maybe it makes sense to the WH

It’s really kind of difficult to transcribe this because it’s like trying to follow someone who’s smoked way too much weed trying to tell you a liner story

*linear, but fine, fuck you autocorrect

“did you ever hear of OPEC Plus? That’s OPEC, plus Plus.” and then dude just carries on

“so beautiful, so wonderful, they call it the Boston Tea Party. Did you ever watch the fake news CNN?”

It’s like my kid asking rapid-fire questions that are completely unrelated

Speaking of Minneapolis: “I got them to take 8k National Guard troops and in one hour they got it done”

I was shot the night after the National Guard showed up, which was the first night of curfew. FYI.

“These police officers, they get injured, they don’t complain”

UHHHHHHHH

Trump complaining now about protesters not wearing masks, or maybe complaining that people don’t complain about it enough?

Anyway, “the Chinese virus” gets a roar

Trump on COVID: “I’ve saved hundreds of thousands of lives, we don’t get even a mention"

“here’s the bad part: when you test a lot you get more cases. So I said to my people, SLOW THE TESTING DOWN, PLEASE"

Now complaining that ten year olds have coughs and maybe they’d test positive but “they’ll be fine in a couple days"

“when you see a little kid running around, say boy oh boy you’ve got a great immune system. How about a little piece of your immune system? Open the schools please."

MOVING ON! We’re onto statues now. He is very mad about the statues.

“this cruel campaign of censorship and exclusion” “their new oppressive regime”

Someone should write a story about Trump made up entirely of Trump quotes

We’re bringing back the “very tough hombre” breaking into the window of a woman who’s the wife of a traveling salesman and she dials 911 and it’s no longer working

“you have many many cases like that"

“you want to save that beautiful heritage, of ours, we have a great heritage, you are so lucky I’m president that’s all I can tell you” and people applaud the word salad and chant USA

Covid is “a disease, without question, that has more names than any other disease.” His witticism is “kung flu” which I guess is at least a pun, which is better than most of his monikers

He’s now talking about how long he talked at West Point, and how he was bold enough to salute each cadet, then he shows off his salute, and then people cheer him because he did it SIX HUNDRED TIMES

“It’s like a workout without a weight"

Trump is now complaining that media will report that he was wrong about the length of his speech, which he has said lasted anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour and a half in the last few minutes of retelling

Like a fish some dude caught that gains six inches during the story

THE RAMP NOW

“the stage was higher than this one and the ramp was ten yards long…and I said General, I’ve got myself a problem, because I’m wearing leather-bottomed shoes which is good for flat ground but not for ramps”

Encourages people to boo the press

He says the ramp, which was again in the blazing hot sun that he suffered through for the speech and the saluting, was “like an ice rink"

“it’s an ice skating riink, it’s brutal. So I said general get ready because I might grab you so fast”

And it’s Trump so imagine what that fucking general was thinking because it’s what everyone else is thinking

like Trump threatening to grab you

Trump now complaining that when he was ten feet from the end the media didn’t show him literally running the rest of the way

“it ends just before I run"

“I called my wife. I said how’s it going. She said you’re trending number one.”

I hope this is true

“I didn’t want to drink [the water] but I wanted to wet my lips a little bit”

He apparently was having trouble with the glass because he’d just saluted six hundred times. That is the thing we’re going with. Also his tie was very expensive and didn’t want to get water on it.

Because you see he once spilled water on a tie and the tie was never the same again.

“anyway that’s a long story but here’s the story. I have lived with the ramp and the water since I left West Point. Not one media outlet said I made a good speech or a great speech. But the kids loved it."

“the left wing anarchists tore down a statue of Thomas efferson, now we’re getting down to the real stuff. Except in New York when the Italians surrounded it. I love my Italians. Thank you to our Italian population, we’re very proud of you"

Sorry, missed the line about how a statue of Columbus was also torn down, the previous makes more sense if I don’t accidentally delete a line, my bad

I’m typing with one eye, to be fair

“these are anarchists, these are not protesters. Can you imagine if someone just slightly to the right tried to take over Seattle, they’d have machine guns out”

Uh, buddy, they did try, it was called Malheur, and they occupied the refuge for weeks

“you know a lot of times I’ll make a speech and it’ll have a beautiful paragraph in it” and something something Joe biden has speechwriters?

If Joe Biden is elected “your 401ks and money itself will be worthless”

Which seems like a stretch?

“If the Democrats gain power then the rioters will be in charge and nobody will be safe…Joe Biden is a helpless puppet of the radical left."

“we had a bunch of maniacs come…and they were very violent…and our people are not nearly as violent but if they were it would be a terrible day for the other side”

He seems to be talking about Tulsa? Tonight?

He’s now bragging about how he bought new TVs for Air Force One

Apparently other countries had nicer planes and so he spent $5.7 or $5.6 billion, although that’s two planes, and then he refused to pay Boeing market rate so he paid $3b some-odd “This was before Boeing had problems by the way"

“And then they made a plane, and then they did some foolish things, and then they went through hell, but they’re coming back, and this was the Boeing before that, and they were riding high, and so was I before this thing happened, but they’re coming back"

It’s honestly like that time I went on a date with a banker in his mid-forties that spent all of dinner telling me about this deal he did five years previously

Trump now pointing at Jim Inhofe so that Inhofe can concur that he has in fact heard this story before

Trump says “you dumb son of a bitch” and people come out of their seats to applaud

At this point in the retelling, negoatiations are at $4.5b

He gets bored with the story about the planes and moves onto Germany, and I think the troop drawdown?

He seems very proud that he can mostly pronounce Merkel’s first name, cause he’s saying it a lot

Trump seems confused by the notion of other nations having trade deals without defense pacts, because “we’re supposed to protect Germany from Russia but they pay them billions for energy"

“You know they don’t sell a lot of bombs if we’re not dropping bombs. It’s called the military-industrial complex.” Then pivots to him calling in the Guard domestically

He’s complaining about Muriel Bowser. The Tulsa audience doesn’t seem to know her by name.

“the choice in 220 is very simple: do you want to bow before the left wing mob or do you want to stand proud as Americans. And explain this to the NFL, I like the NFL"

“Joe Biden and the Democrats want to prosecute Americans for going to church, but not burning a church"

“Generally speaking when they got a lot of tattoos on their face they’re not looking to do good”

I am 100% tattooing “try again” on my eyebrow now, if I wasn’t previously decided

Trump now complaining he can’t call people animals because of Nancy Pelosi?

“If I lose an election over that, you know what, the country’s in big trouble"

“Joe Biden never did anything. He was a Senator, he was a Vice President, before that he did something."

“Xenophobia, he [Biden] doesn’t know what the word means"

Trump talking about al-Baghdadi and Sulemani and you can nearly tell how mad he is that he didn’t get Bin Laden

Trump now saying that China gives us “billions and billions of dollars, we give a lot of it to our farmers"

Someone seems to have passed out not far from Trump, which he seems to think is a result of people having waited five days to see him

Anyway back to Biden, who Trump says China and Iran want to see elected, which might be true but so does pretty much every other country that isn’t run by a violent dictator

Like I’m pretty sure Duterte wants Trump to win again.

Is this an Olympian or is this just some dude with medals on

Anyway Democrats are evil because guns and abortion and fracking and “American energy will be in a position of weakness like it’s never been before” and also the Constitution

He goes from bragging about his two SCOTUS appointments to saying “it’s almost like it’s a minority court"

“Why do you call them the elite, they’re not elite, I look better than them, much more handsom, got better hair than they do, I’ve got nicer houses, nicer properties, nicer everything"

He sounds like he’s wrapping up but it’s Trump so he might go another hour

Now he’s talking about his new list for SCOTUS

I missed something, did he miss a filing deadline?

Oh nope, he’s talking about the DACA decision. “we didn’t lose, we just have to refile it."

Trump thinks Biden “installed the socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez”

wait, to head up his energy policy, okay

“You want to see dead birds go under a windmill sometime”

SHOUTOUT TO THE AUSSIES

CSPAN just caught some dude in a HUGE yawn, which seems to largely be the reaction to the wind thing

They’re real happy to boo Omar though. Trump has not-nice things to say about Somalia to be sure.

“Biden is a very willing Trojan horse for socialism” and there’s no way Trump wrote that line

Why yes I have a weird knowledge of Australian mini-scandals involving birds and windmills why do you ask

“those cages were built by obama and biden, look it up”

Trump is now very angry about children in cages

“they sent young boys to fight in Iraq while the inner cities crumbled”

I think that was Bush actually but what do I know I just married a fucking Marine

“I’ve done more for the Black community in four years than Joe Biden has done in 47 years. Racial justice begins with Joe Biden’s retirement from public life.”

Calls out Jim Inhofe and James Langford, who are not at all Black.

DIAMOND AND SILK WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE

Also Tom Cotton, who also is very white

We have hit the part where the old white dude thanks all the other white dudes and depending on the polling they’re either very happy or kind of trying to escape notice.

For some reason Jim Jordan is there.

“During the fake impeachment trial, nobody could have done the job they’ve done, they’re incredible”

I’m pretty sure that wasn’t fake, we all watched it live

“They’re all warriors, I tell you what. Not everyone is, but they are.”

I bet none of them could salute SIX HUNDRED TIMES though

Trump now talking about how he’s brought the best unemployment numbers in history, which.

“and then the plague came in."

Retail sales last week were “the single greatest number in the history of our country”

“In many ways, other than the horrible horrible horrible death that should have been stopped where it was caused, whcih is China, but we’re gonna go up, up, up, and then…people are gonna say man I don’t want to lose this"

“but in the end we’re gonna have a phenomenal economy, we’re gonna have a great third quarter, but next year will be the single biggest year economically we’ve ever had."

“you won’t have the guts to vote against trump” because of the stock market? I think?

“and your wife or your husband says darling I love you so much, you’re the greatest investor. and all you did was keep your stock. You were such a loser, but under president trump you” got good returns

Trump no0w claiming record funding for HBCUs and also claims that Black people have gotten a pay rise under him “like they’ve never gotten before” then calls out Tim Scott for opportunity zones “which are doing incredibly”

People are starting to leave

Trump now just repeating pro-choice but for schools “it’s very popular but for some people it’s a disaster"

Now talking about the murder rte in Baltimore and Detroit, which are apparently bigger than El Salvador or Afghanistan

I would, as commander in chief, maybe not talk about the death rate in a country we were deployed to but WHAT DO I KNOW

Okay. OK. I THINK HE MIGHT BE WRAPPING UP NOW.

Nope we’re back on China sending us the plague

“we will finish the wall which now has 212 miles built and beautiful. 212 miles, that’s a lot of miles.”

It is, in comparison to the border, not a lot of miles.

TBH just get a t ranscript if you want to hear the laundry list, I can’t keep up with “we will become the world’s premier pharmacy” and “we have captured 100% of the ISIS caliphate"

“you saw the beautiful rocket go up three weeks ago” because we’re going to Mars

which is a decent tune tbh

“and when you see these lunatics, you know it’s nice to have arms”

so that’s fun

My playback just skipped and for a second I thought he was going to drop a beat and now I’m mad

He’s just talking about saluting the flag

He just ticked off “defeating fascism” as an American accomplishment so now you know that

“with your help, your devotion and your drive, we are going to keep on working. And we are going to keep on winning, winning winning"

“together we will make America wealthy again, we will make America strong again, we will make amaerica proud again, and we will make America great again”

And the blessed sound of the Stones comes up which means HE IS DONE NOW

I have such a love hate relationship with “you can’t always get what you want” these days. Like first I was mad a good tune got ruined but now it’s pavlovian, like I hear these kids sing and I’m like I AM FREE NOW

This has been “Linda watches things so you don’t have to,” a service I occasionally provide

Be blessed, it’s gonna be a helluva year