i just need everyone to understand how absolutely fucking exhausted women are

we're in the middle of another reckoning, another wave of #metoo and #ibelieveher. this time it's irish comedy. it was another industry last month, next time it'll be something else, might be global, national, doesn't really matter, it'll be exact same shit in a different setting

first, women come forward. "come forward" is a sterile euphemism for "relive their trauma in an incredibly public forum and in enough detail to satisfy all the shitheads who are going to say they're making it up for attention or revenge or whatever."

women are amazing because the main reason they do this is to try make sure that no more women suffer at the hands of their abuser/rapist. people keep using the word brave but it feels inadequate. i am in genuine and completely awe of these women and their courage.

more women come forward to be like "hello, once again, here is one of the worst things even happened to me offered up for public appraisal at the risk of my income, career and friendships, please be nice while you pull it apart?"

for every woman who finds the courage to speak, there are dozens who don't. almost every single one of has suffered some degree of sexual violation, but maybe it's too raw, too difficult, or maybe it's not our industry, not our abuser, not our moment right now.

but we're here, witnessing the latest wave of rape and abuse explode onto our timelines. we witness, we relive our own traumas, we revisit all the damage men have visited on us, as we offer support and solidarity and empathy.

maybe next month it'll be our industry? who knows.

the result is that we're all just exhausted. the women who speak out, first and foremost, who are risking everything, sacrificing SO MUCH. but also all of us reading our sisters' words and thinking "oh god, that happened to me, but i repressed it or rationalised it away."

so it's women, hundreds of women marinating in our collective trauma, all trying pull our friends out of quicksand while we are also rapidly disappearing into the quicksand. we're still doing the majority of heavy lifting trying to FIX THIS SHIT.

and men are where?

for every man doing the really egregious shit, rape, abuse, blackmail, assault, there are at least four other lads who know exactly what's going on, and maybe a dozen more who have a pretty good idea, and they don't say or do anything because it's easier not to rock the boat

And of course, they want to keep getting gigs/jobs/whatever and maybe they actually quite enjoy the boys' club even they're very good at saying the right things on Twitter and if there are more women, ultimately that's more competition, and on and on.

It's not good enough.

It's never been good enough, but this endless cycle of trauma is really exposing how truly, abysmally, woefully not good enough it is. if men are fucking serious about HELPING they need to start taking the same risks and making the same sacrifices women do when they come forward.

And I know some men are doing this, and I know things are getting better, gradually, incrementally, and I know these reckonings serve a purpose, but honestly it's just really depressing down here in the Trauma Quicksand. The view is really not encouraging.

But we know that abusive misogynists are (sadly) capable of posting "believe women!" and "omg follow this lady she's amazing!" without bursting into flames. It's easy to say the right things. That's why we need more and better from men who are not abusive misogynists.

anyway i don't really have a pithy conclusion for this. i'm exhausted. this thread is riddled with typos because i am EXHAUSTED. women are exhausted. we're doing everything we can. To men who give a shit, we need more than "belief", we need more than abstract "support".

what we actually need is men to have an absolute zero tolerance policy for this shit, i don't care if it's your best mate, your brother, i don't care about mental health issues or addiction or any of it. if you hurt women, you're gone, you're out, you're never getting back in.

but what if pushing back on all the rape your rapey mate is doing costs you something? what if you lose friends, what if it affects your job, your income, what if you're the one who becomes a social pariah for speaking up?

hi. welcome. it's fucking tough over here, right?

but at least if you're a man, you can turn off twitter and forget about all this awfulness for a while, right?
If you're a woman, you can turn off twitter, but you can't turn off your traumas, some old, some freshly-unearthed, some suddenly cast in a hideous new light.

it's all of us lads. it's literally all of us. there are millions of stories you've never heard and will never hear. women are doing this work with our collective trauma weighing us down. we keep going because we don't have a choice. can you please fucking help.