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I see a number of male authors cutting ties with an abuser this morning and that is good. But guys, we need to talk about male obliviousness and how dude-ish behaviors are a shield that is used to keep you from being aware of these things while they are happening. A thread.
Every girl I've ever known could easily describe masculine pack behavior. It begins happening in the early years of elementary school. Before that (unless prompted by adults), all kids play wi all other kids. By second grade, there is a division in the sexes & things get gnarly.
Boys run in packs that are primarily focused on one upmanship and performative dominance play. Were you a nerd? This is when you began to feel left out because the dominance games are physical and usually carried out on the playground. Girls also form groups but theirs are split.
One group of girls usually tries to match the guys. But others cluster at the swings or sandbox. There has been a lot of scholarship on playground behavior and learning patterns but for today we'll leave it at this. Men are used to being amongst rowdy groups of other men.
Now, cons and author events are not a playground BUT you need to know that abusers use playground dynamics to shield their behaviors from the eyes of other men. All the back-slapping bonhomie, the hale-fellow well met laughter? That stuff is great for distracting you.
I was date raped so I know this from experience. But so do you. You have seen it on the news with the frat boys, the football players, the elective Supreme Court justices. Their plausible deniability comes from your 'Paul is a great guy' responses. No matter how many women say...
...'Hey, this guy is problematic', as long as his bros are defending him, he's nearly untouchable. The single most useful thing you can do to end vile behavior? Culture groups that are diverse. Shut down guys who say obnoxious things. Pay attention to the women around you.
Make yourself an ally BEFORE there are problems. If you notice her hackles rise when a certain man enters the conversation, trust her spidey sense and step up. You don't have to ostracize a guy just because your female friends get tense around him, but you SHOULD pay attention.
See, those guys are counting on you to remain oblivious, to put bros before hoes, to not see anything. The number one thing you can do to stop the chucklefucks is to keep them from using your grouping instincts as a shield.
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