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I have been visiting my parents for the past month now, this is the longest I have stayed with them for quite some time, and I have noticed that it has begun to affect my sense of self. There are times when I struggle to see myself as more then a body capable of domestic labour
It is very easy to reduce yourself like this in situations where your contribution to the house/family is seen as tied to domestic labour. Altho things in my own house have improved, there are still some issues. my brother for eg does nowhere near as much labour as I do.
I believe that the middle/upper class lifestyle is simply unsustainable. The standards are too high. There are too many houses where, even in this time, cleaning and laundry and cooking take too much precedence. The ONLY reason this has gone on for so long is because the
responsibility to keep domestic life 'pristine' falls on womxn and/or the working class. There have to be ways to resist these unattainable standards. I am aware that what I'm basically saying is that womxn will have to do more labour and that sucks because these are not things
WE should have to bring to anyone's attention. I'm aware that many ppl live in v abusive houses and what I'm proposing may not be possible. But these are some things that have helped me and I'm putting them out there in the hope it may help others. Feel free to add to the list.
1. Talk to your family. Talk to whoever in your fam is the most responsive. This is prob not men bec tbh this can be a scary convo to have. your mother/sister might be willing to listen. Discuss why domestic labour takes up so much of our time. Sometimes its helpful to j question
and let the qs hang in the air. DO NOT step in to take up more responsibility, figure out how to affect change together.
2. Insist that your brother help around the house. That he learn to make tea, wash the dishes, dust, cook. Men are not relied on to do domestic labour bec they make themselves unavailable. Their own lives are allowed to take precedence over domestic life.
If you are a man, pls question why it is that you get to wake up at 5pm these days or why every1 leaves u alone bec u are WFH. pls question why you are applauded for washing four dishes while your sister/partner/cousin/friends etc never even get a thank you for doing so much more
3. Refuse to applaud your brother/father/partner/friend for doing the bare minimum. This is their house too, they have a stake in it. They should know how to maintain the lifestyles that the patriarchy/capitalism have imposed on us. Either that or we all resist it together.
4. Time to yourself. If you don't have a space of your own in the house, pls impress on your family that you are not available at certain times. If they don't understand then say you are working. It doesn't matter bec they take no interest in your work either way.
This is your time for you, to do whatever you want. You are not available to make tea or discuss family problems or make grocery lists during this time.
5. Learn to say no. This is sth I really struggle with and I will prob always struggle with in the face of conflict, but sometimes family members need to hear you say no to their expectations & directives otherwise they will quite frankly continue to take advantage of you.
Saying no is extremely anxiety provoking for many of us. It's okay if it takes you time to learn to say it because nobody has ever taught us that its okay to say no.
6. Move out. I come from a lot of privilege which is why moving out was even a possibility 4 me but I know there are many womxn who want to move out and I j wanna emphasise that this is in no way a silly/frivolous/unattainable desire
we are so reduced within our parent's houses that we yearn for a place of our own w/in which we can rediscover our selves, a self that is separate from 'family' and 'career' If you are in a position where you can move out, even for some time, I highly encourage it.
7. Dispel/debunk the notion that women can have it all. This is a trap to make us work twice as hard as men, once they give us 'permission' to also have careers. This 'having it all' also depends on the exploitation of those we pay less than min wage. It's a lie basically.
Have a lot more 2 say but j wanna re- emphasize 2 things. Firstly, men, u are not doing enuf. If u are WFH these days, you have to help maintain the space that is ALLOWING you to work in the first place. by help I mean you have to be an active participant in domestic labour ok
and if you are NOW realising that oh, this is actually a lot of work?!! Then all I have to say to you is help us resist this work, these unattainable standards, these unfair expectations, these measures of our value that we have to negotiate with everyday
FINALLY it is simply ridiculous to expect fresh food everyday, clean laundry 24/7, an immaculate house. We have to question where these expectations have come from, we have to ask what else womxn could be doing with their time, have they even been allowed to WONDER what else
I'm not just talking about career, money, 'success' etc. I'm talking about time. Womxn have no time. My mother has no time, my khalas have no time, my own time is compartmentalised bec I have to do so much MORE than any man I know, all our time is accounted for
We have to resist these domestic expectations because they leave us with no time to reflect on our own lives AND because these are unsustainable expectations, the bodies and minds of womxn have been occupied by them for far too long, our sense of selves r reduced to the Home
and this is not for ourselves. this is so the patriarch can look upon his house with pride! So that the patriarch can go to work everyday, so that the patriarch can show the world that he is a success. W/ little to no credit given to the womxn that maintain the house.
In conclusion, the revolution has 2 begin at home and it can only begin when we take a long, hard look at these unsustainable aspirations, question how we got here in the first place AND when we fight for the time to regain our sense of selves beyond the domestic sphere.
