The French military and energy balls? There’s a goldmine of jokes here. https://twitter.com/popsci/status/1274167529838202881

Did I tell y’all about the time I almost joined the Foreign Legion? I was just medically discharged from the US military but I had no other skills. And even with a broken back and bad knee I still had that fighting spirit. Figured France might be a nice place to settle.

I took French classes in high school, I only wear APC jeans, and a ménage a trois was on my bucket list, so it just seemed like a good fit ya know?

Anyway, I get on the phone with the recruiter. He tells me my last name is an Old French name. Pettiford is derived from “pedefer” or “pied de fer” which means “iron foot.” A name given to some French knight dude who lost his leg in battle. Whoa.

He tells me when I report, I’ll be given a “nom de guerre” i.e. a new indentity if I want to escape a criminal past, at the end of my enlistment I’ll be given French citizenship, and if I do 25 years a home in Northern France to retire to.

I’m sold.

So things are getting serious. I got my plane tickets to Aubagne and I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to tell my gf I’m leaving for France to be a mercenary.

I get on the phone with the recruiter again and he’s talmbout a “engagement de cinq ans.” That’s a 5-year commitment. And during those 5 years I can’t return home to the States. Like, at all. But he thinks I’ll enjoy French Guiana. Hold up mfer. Where? That’s not in France.

He asks if I’d prefer Madagascar. What, mfer?! Madagascar like the movie? Like, Africa Madgascar?! Y’all were talking about Paris in the Fall. And the South of France during the summer.

Nope, couldn’t do it. I wear French terry cloth crewnecks, buy $15 dollar lip balm, and I’m terrified of spiders. My black ass ain’t lasting 17 minutes in no South American or African jungle.

Anyway, I didn’t join the French Foreign Legion. But I was close.

There’s this fantastic book LEGION OF THE LOST by this dude Jaime Salazar. He was an American college student who joined the Legion and his experience was so bad that he went AWOL and escaped back to the States.