I think the amount of aphobia on the internet just shows how much people who experience sexual attraction regularly take the experience for granted. It can be hard for them to relate to us because in their narrative, this is just how everyone IS. But -that’s not the case.

Imagine if you’d never seen the color red before. When you pointed to a red towel, your friends and family who could see red thought you were seeing it the way they were. Because you were never taught about different shades of red, you thought so too.

Then, one day, out of NOWHERE, you can see red. It’s not the dull, drab grey you thought it was. It’s bright, vibrant, lifelike. It feels warm and inviting. And you feel so strange because you think - wait, has everyone else always just SEEN this?

You start asking around. Most people you talk to have no idea what the big deal is or even why seeing it for the first time is a big deal for you. “What are you talking about? That’s how red has always looked,” they say.

But it wasn’t like that before. You’ve truly seen red two, maybe three times. You begin to think it’s not important; surely everyone sees it the same way.

But then one day you meet someone who tells you they’ve NEVER seen red.

“Never?” you ask. “How did you figure out it was... different for you?”

“Other kids in high school always picked it as their favorite color. But it’s so drab, like a rainy day. I just don’t understand the obsession.”

And then you find more and more people who don’t or rarely see red, who have favorite colors like purple and green and orange. And you think, “wow! Everyone should know we’re here too, so people feel less alone.” But there’s a snag.

People who do and can see red don’t get you. They think you’re exaggerating, you’re lying. “Everyone sees red,” they say. “Not sewing red isn’t an identity,” some sneer. It’s discouraging.

But then one day someone who sees red stands up and says, “hey, I don’t totally understand what you see. I see red. But if this is that important to you, I support you.”

That’s what advocating for asexuality & aromanticism can be like at times. People think that romantic and sexual attraction are so inherent to our being as humans there’s not another way to be.

But then you find one person who GETS it. Or you find someone who sees red but doesn’t see blue. Or you find people who see them but muted, or rarely. Or you meet someone who sees all the colors and wants to support you still. And you realize you aren’t alone after all.

We don’t all have sexual attraction. We don’t all have romantic attraction. It’s important to not label our own experiences as universal just because we don’t hear about the other experiences as often.

If you want to be an ally to asexual & aromantic folx, you have to stop assuming there’s something wrong with us for how we experience the world differently from you. This often means challenging your preconceptions towards attraction and sexual behavior VS sexuality. Let it go.

Because we are here, and queer, and there’s nothing wrong with us just for existing.

(PS I also make YouTube videos about pop culture and mental health and I’m on Patreon if you’d like to help me make stuff now & after the pandemic

http://YouTube.com/secretladyspider

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http://Ko-fi.com/secretladyspider

Thank you & have a wonderful day )