I don't know Paul Krueger, but as people have spoken up about his behavior--I know his type, and I'm seeing a familiar pattern play out in the way a lot of folks struggle to recognize and acknowledge this particular kind of abuse. I've seen it before.

It starts, as it did here, with folks trying to address it quietly. Months or years of multiple people talking directly to the person, then quietly reaching out about them. Years of trying to establish boundaries, of extending the benefit of the doubt.

Eventually the tipping point comes and multiple people are publicly naming the person and their behavior: "He negged me. He gaslit me. He used me for professional contacts and dumped me. He made me feel small." Specific examples will be given. Multiple stories will be told.

And then some folks--ranging from friends of the abuser to random strangers--will come to the victims, bewildered. "Gosh, that sounds awful," they'll say, "but...can you give any examples of when he was actually *abusive?*"

They already have.

Some of this is bad faith bullshit, but a lot of times it comes from people who honestly think of themselves as people who believe and support victims. And maybe they show that support when they recognize the behavior, but they don't recognize this specific form of toxicity.

So we'll get "but did he grope anyone?" "was it sexual harassment?" And endless questions asking for specific details, looking past example after example of toxic, abusive, manipulative behavior to try to find any "real" abuse.

And maybe they think, as they invalidate victims' lived experiences, that they're listening. They believe what victims are saying about the facts of what the person said and did, so they're believing victims.

But they're not believing people's perceptions. They're not believing it was abuse. They think they're giving victims an opportunity to explain. And victims are saying "this liquid is clear and neutral and freezes at 0 celcius and--"

And they reply, "but--you said it's water?"

As a survivor of this type of abuse, this is exhausting. To constantly have to say "YES WATER RIGHT HERE IN THIS GLASS" and have people go "right but...where's the water?"

They might not be trying to gaslight but damn if it doesn't make you feel crazy.

I'm remembering a previous occasion where a people came forward about a previous abuser with a similar pattern of behavior. Story after story and people were still confused about what *specifically* he'd done that was abusive. >

< Then someone came forward and said "one time he put his arm around my shoulder without asking and it made me uncomfortable" and I watched a few people go from "but...?" to "well fuck that guy what a creep" at lightning speed.

Suddenly a clear line they could recognize had been crossed. The manipulation, negging, emotional abuse, professional sabotage, social climbing, were actually *more severe forms of abuse,* but until the dude in question put his hands on someone, folks couldn't recognize it.

I understand not recognizing it at first glance. Abusers like this manage to continue as long as they do because they're able to obfuscate and gaslight and plausibly deny. They discredit and silence victims and charm folks into helping them do it.

But when several people are coming forward and saying "this person is a harasser," "this person is abusive," "this person is toxic," believing victims means believing that the harm they experienced was real.

Harassment and abuse are not always single incidents of behavior that's obviously over the line. With serial harassers, it's usually a pattern of smaller behaviors, any one of which can be excused as a misunderstanding or a lapse in judgment. That's how they manage to keep it up.

So if you're hearing these stories--about him or anyone else--and you're confused? You're thinking "this sounds like a falling-out, not abuse?" I encourage you to stop and listen harder. Listen to what victims are saying about how it impacted them.

And listen, specifically, to the fact that the "fallings out" usually occur after the victims assert their boundaries. Because people who harass this way are masters of plausible deniability--"I didn't know they were uncomfortable," "I'm so sorry," "I'm socially awkward."

But time and time again, they damn well did know. They were told. Multiple times. By multiple people. A field of smoking craters where friendships used to be, and survivor surveying each crater, saying "I tried to talk to them but they wouldn't stop."