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I'm seeing recent me toos from both the comics and science fiction communities about well-known folks in our industries.
I'm guessing we're going to see some responses/justifications/fake apologies soon.
I'm guessing we're going to see some responses/justifications/fake apologies soon.
A reminder, both to harassers writing fake, self-centered 'apologies' that are all about your pain and not what you've done to others, and to people reading those apologies:
A pledge to "get therapy" is not accountability or taking responsibility for shitty behavior.
A pledge to "get therapy" is not accountability or taking responsibility for shitty behavior.
"I'll get therapy" is practically the free space on the harasser's "I'm sorry [that I got caught]" BINGO card.
Therapy is mental health care. It is not a process of accountability to people and communities someone has hurt.
Therapy is mental health care. It is not a process of accountability to people and communities someone has hurt.
I've lost count of the harassers I've seen pledge to "get therapy" who've gone right on harassing people. It's often paired with resisting real accountability measures, like stepping down from positions of authority or voluntarily leaving communities where they've caused harm.
If you find out a friend of yours is a serial harasser, of course you want to believe that they are sincere in their contrition. I've fallen for that trick myself.
But many abusers are adept at showing contrition to people who can protect them from consequences.
But many abusers are adept at showing contrition to people who can protect them from consequences.
So please, when this latest round of missing stairs comes forward with their "It makes me sick to think I've my intentions were misconstrued in this way" apologies and their pledges to get therapy:
Ask yourself (or them!) what steps they're taking towards actual accountability.
Ask yourself (or them!) what steps they're taking towards actual accountability.
Are they stepping down from positions of power over other people's careers?
Are they handing off work for communities and events to which their victims, including ones who haven't come forward, deserve safe access?
Are they handing off work for communities and events to which their victims, including ones who haven't come forward, deserve safe access?
(And how can you know what communities they should back away from for victims that haven't come forward? Look at who they harass. If multiple women in SFF have come forward, then the harasser should withdraw from all SFF cons, not just the cons those particular women attend).
Anyway the last time I tried to hold a serial harasser accountable it strained several friendships with people who bought his "I'm so sorry I'll get therapy this is hurting me terribly" routine and wanted me to give him time. He kept harassing people and I'm fucking exhausted.
Some other signs of performative apology in place of real accountability:
- A big-but-not-painful donation to charity without offering restitution directly to victims or asking if victims want that
- A big-but-not-painful donation to charity without offering restitution directly to victims or asking if victims want that
- Asking powerful friends to help "keep them accountable."
Friends cannot keep an abuser accountable, and that goes double for powerful friends, because victims are unlikely to talk to you.
Friends cannot keep an abuser accountable, and that goes double for powerful friends, because victims are unlikely to talk to you.
Harassers frequently seek out people who can provide them cover, and whom they can use to isolate and silence victims. "No, I'm not harassing you! Look at all these respected feminists I know! Would they be friends with me if I acted that way?"
When a harasser asks powerful friends to "keep them accountable," they're asking their powerful friends to keep associating with them and keep providing cover.
The "keep me accountable" bit helps protect your reputation, which they need, because they trade on it.
The "keep me accountable" bit helps protect your reputation, which they need, because they trade on it.
We're officially at "this should be a blog post" length, but if someone's really concerned about keeping your friendship rather than your protection, they should be voluntarily taking steps to limit the impact off their behavior on you--not asking you to support them.
