something that was nice about talking to the autism psych last weekend was how she reframed the way I think about my own brain. I've always felt really stupid and slow compared to my peers, and struggle a lot with my aphantasia as a creative

(disclaimer: not diagnosed, but psych is p much talking to me as if I am at this point)

I don't have pictures at all, but I have a very strong mind's... ear. ironic, since I'm awful at music! but in times before ipods and smartphones existed and I had no walkman, I could just play my fave cds in my head, which I'm still sure is normal stuff

I worked at my [small indie cafe] in 2013 and memorized the drink recipes instantly. they're easy patterns that I have memorized... aurally, I guess. there was a break of 6 years before I went back last year and I still remembered the recipes perfectly

I kept being really confused and surprised when other people just couldn't remember them??? like, it's easy! like I genuinely can't understand how it's hard. I just hear the pattern in my head! my psych was like "that's not..... that's not easy"

I uhh, still don't fully believe that???? it's super easy! but the other thing that we actually talked about was how I write. because we talked about how I store info in my brain

one of the test things was like "I stack my memories like memo cards" and she referenced knowing someone who COLOUR CODES THEIR MEMORIES???? how fucking cool is that???? I was like "haha no I don't see anything in my brain"

but we ended up on how I can pull out certain things very easily based on given phrases I kind of assign them? which leads onto how I write. which I didn't really realize was a strength I had until recently

to fall asleep, I write in my head. I've done it FOREVER. I write space jumpers while I fall asleep. and then the next day I'll pull that chunk on sj I wrote out using the assigned phrase and type it up, or revise/add onto it while falling asleep the next night

that's just something I've always done without really thinking about it. it's VERY specific in that I can write stuff I care about and remember it for sometimes years, but I can't like, remember what a friend told me a day ago. y'know. useful for one thing

sometimes I worry about going through some kinda head injury and losing all this space jumpers and mountain sound and doe stuff stored in my brain that I haven't gotten around to writing up yet. I'm basically keeping it in the cloud

but yeah, my psych was like "hey, yeah, that may be extremely specific, but that's something your brain does REALLY well. it's a huge strength you don't realize you have" and that I use it for something I love, like space jumpers

so I walked out of that appointment feeling a little less stupid and slow, because yeah maybe I struggle with processing speed and understanding other humans and I can't do shit with visual memory, there are a few things I CAN do really well that aren't just things everyone can

this isn't a brag. I thought my biggest strengths were normal things, things that everyone can do. I get so mad when people try to say I'm smart because I can't do the things smart people can! it feels like I'm being mocked

but for the first time in my life, someone took the little things that make me, ME and in the most genuine and sincere way ever, made me proud and happy to have the brain I have