Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

June 17th

In the morning to the Dockhouses with Admiral Grayling, the imbecile, and there very kindly received by merkin consultant Lord Hague, and among other things he did show me a parrot, the best I ever saw,

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that knew Admiral Grayling so soon as it saw him that it did shit on his head and I never saw the like.
There joined with us serial nontrepreneur Gavin Williamson and grayte pride he had in showing us a school our government has been working on these last ten years,

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two thirds of the youth services there axed, access to drama, dance and art halved, the playing fields and playgrounds gone and enquiring as to the whereabouts of the laptops, food, basic provision and indeed pupils, Williamson discoursed that by remaining fiercely inactive

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throughout the plague season he has done for our next generation less than a submerged slaver's statue, and we thanked him heartily. After, to dinner of Bargain Bucket and thence to Rochester with the minister for hydration Therese Coffey, and she is vexing that the splendid

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Captain Rashford did succeed in his campaign to feed hungry children, that she thought it should have unraveled around a rhetorical point he made about access to water, and as the knowing Daniel Hannan spake over his Tiramisu ‘Feelings don't care about your facts Therese’

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minding me of other his other wisdoms ‘Absolutely nobody is talking about threatening our place in the single market’ and ‘Corona virus isn’t going to kill you’ and I believe it is true what they say, that you can sometimes hear his amygdala clicking; and we saw the

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Cathedrall, observing the great doors, which, they say, was covered with the skins of the Danes, good, and at a tomb on which was “The Lord is my high fridge, my stronghold, my deliverer” good laughter at the expense of the nation, so to the Salutacion tavern,

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for a Coffey Mourning and many of the town there entertained us with wine and oysters, spitting mucus into our glasses first as is the local custom, and we had much mirth at the time landlord Therese voted down an amendment to force landlords like Therese to maintain rented

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properties as fit for human habitation, and among other things Hague got drunk on 14 pints of beer and made us repeatedly watch a grainy video of his voice breaking at conference, and after we hear Fridge Magnate Johnson, defrosted early this week, is congratulating

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the great Captain Rashford on making Fridge Magnate Johnson feed hungry children, and what it is to live in Britannia these days. Home, tap water, bed.