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I wanna say something about reading books actually *written by* members of a group you aren't a member of:
I was once partnered with someone who really lacked empathy. Truly. Why doesn't matter, he just couldn't practice it and couldn't see the need.
I was once partnered with someone who really lacked empathy. Truly. Why doesn't matter, he just couldn't practice it and couldn't see the need.
It bled heavily into our love life in every awful way you could imagine. Imagine not even seeing the need to understand what your partner is experiencing, and then think about intimacy of any kind.
He wanted an algorithm for excitement, which for me defeated the purpose.
He wanted an algorithm for excitement, which for me defeated the purpose.
If I want to know what's always coming next, every damned time, I can do it for myself. No thanks. There's a limit to what and how you can educate.
Before I realised it was both inability and indifference, I kept wondering how to solve the issue.
Before I realised it was both inability and indifference, I kept wondering how to solve the issue.
"How can I make him understand?" I asked myself, again and again, and after years, the question devolved into screaming into the void, more or less, and I gave up.
This sounds ridiculous, but I jokingly said, repeatedly, that he should sit down and read a romance novel or five.
This sounds ridiculous, but I jokingly said, repeatedly, that he should sit down and read a romance novel or five.
Except it wasn't a joke on my part.
And here's why.
The romance novels I have lying around the house are almost exclusively written by women. The romance genre is a lot more complicated than people (largely cishet men) make it out to be, but there is one definite role it has:
And here's why.
The romance novels I have lying around the house are almost exclusively written by women. The romance genre is a lot more complicated than people (largely cishet men) make it out to be, but there is one definite role it has:
Wish fulfillment. It's not only that, but whether it be for the author, the reader, or both, there's always an element in there where the writer satisfies, if only fictionally, if only for a moment, some deep, possibly unmet, needs of the reader.
The reader feels SEEN, because the writers sees the reader, because the writer IS the reader.
You can read books written by men about women all you want, but most of them are going to miss the fucking point about how we see the world, what our needs even are.
You can read books written by men about women all you want, but most of them are going to miss the fucking point about how we see the world, what our needs even are.
And so romance is one of the places we GO to be seen. It's part of why we read it.
My former partner could have learned a LOT had he been so inclined.
Now... to my point (ADHD story brain in full swing this morning! Argh!):
My former partner could have learned a LOT had he been so inclined.
Now... to my point (ADHD story brain in full swing this morning! Argh!):
Several months ago, maybe even before COVID, I happened into (or next to) some Twitter thread where a Black romance author was announcing her book birthday in June, and the premise and the fact that I love her sense of humour made me actually put it into my calendar.
(I don't usually do this.)
Part of it was the idea that the heroine - a dev nerd like me - was one I rarely see in print. Plus, well, love stories. I love them. It wasn't Performative Black Literature Reading Time.
I wanted the story from this author.
Part of it was the idea that the heroine - a dev nerd like me - was one I rarely see in print. Plus, well, love stories. I love them. It wasn't Performative Black Literature Reading Time.
I wanted the story from this author.
I snap that book up like my favourite chocolate cake on my birthday and sequester myself in the bathtub to read (the only quiet place in my house with no responsibility, and also, BATH).
I am a prune by the time I am out of the bathtub, but I devoured that story.
I am a prune by the time I am out of the bathtub, but I devoured that story.
And was struck again by all of the above, this time as a person outside of the group.
We can say "well, we can write romance for anyone, after all, love is love. And it's imaginary!"
Well, sort of.
We can say "well, we can write romance for anyone, after all, love is love. And it's imaginary!"
Well, sort of.
But one of the major things that heroine needs in the book is for the male protagonist to SEE her as a Black woman. Not just a woman, not just a lover.
She needs him to see her struggles, how she has to be better off the starting block than anyone else.
She needs him to see her struggles, how she has to be better off the starting block than anyone else.
How she can't afford to make mistakes. Ever.
And it matters that she needs - and finds - the sisterhood of other Black women who understand her, who really get her.
And a whole lot of other things about family and origin story that MATTER.
And it matters that she needs - and finds - the sisterhood of other Black women who understand her, who really get her.
And a whole lot of other things about family and origin story that MATTER.
Can I empathise directly with those things? Sure, a lot of them, because SOME of them are my lived experience, especially in the IT sector, at least *partially*.
BUT. Only partially.
I am not a Black woman.
BUT. Only partially.
I am not a Black woman.
What I can do, however, is read that, and, understanding what I'm reading, see how deep those needs are, how strong the need is for those to be fulfilled, and how much it isn't.
I can also think "I knew those things were issues, I could imagine them being core issues, but if I'd written this, I would have gotten it wrong. It is IMPORTANT - vitally - to the main character because it represents someone's lived experience. Their needs. Their wishes."
It didn't magically make me some woke master of the Black experience.
Nothing will do that, and it also definitely isn't why I read it. It doesn't need to.
Nothing will do that, and it also definitely isn't why I read it. It doesn't need to.
But if you can see what other people write when they're writing to soothe unfulfilled wishes, past or present?
It opens up new pathways to understanding in your head. To better empathy.
It opens up new pathways to understanding in your head. To better empathy.
I would have loved this book regardless of the time I was reading it in. (I'll tell you what book it is in the end, not to bury it, but because I want to call it out on its own, not as a "read this to learn empathy" thing.)
But when we write, we let others into our own worlds for a while.
Maybe it's the worlds of close friends or family, but good, authentic-feeling fiction hits close to home in some way, especially if we're talking wish fulfillment.
Maybe it's the worlds of close friends or family, but good, authentic-feeling fiction hits close to home in some way, especially if we're talking wish fulfillment.
When I saw Nnedi Okorafor's recent tweet about how it felt that people were reading Black authors' work right now because of events rather than just because, I imagined how hard it would be right now as a Black author not to feel like sales right now had an asterisk next to them.
And I don't want to contribute to that on the one hand.
And on the other hand, I wanted to say this - maybe even IF some of it is performative, stories have a way of eating away at misconceptions, at forming new paths in what we imagine.
And on the other hand, I wanted to say this - maybe even IF some of it is performative, stories have a way of eating away at misconceptions, at forming new paths in what we imagine.
I get that it must really suck to have in the back of your mind, "this person is reading this book just because I'm Black, not because they recognise I am a fantastic creator of worlds".
It is a reminder of starting 200 yards back every time.
It is a reminder of starting 200 yards back every time.
But those worlds are insidious. They can create empathy without an argument or the folks who other you asking you for more of your time for a teaching moment.
So there's some good here too. Maybe it changes the next time, and the time after that.
So there's some good here too. Maybe it changes the next time, and the time after that.
(Also, Dr. Okorafor, you're a bloody brilliant writer.)
And so I'm going to say this to white people right now anyway, because I think it's important, and it's not an asterisk:
READ FICTION BY BLACK AUTHORS.
Your world is limited, and this won't make you an expert.
And so I'm going to say this to white people right now anyway, because I think it's important, and it's not an asterisk:
READ FICTION BY BLACK AUTHORS.
Your world is limited, and this won't make you an expert.
But it will give you something you can't get another way - a few hours inside someone else's inner world, whether it's fantasy or a lot closer to home, that isn't yours.
It goes way deeper than just looking at wish fulfillment, but that's a fine place to start IMHO.
It goes way deeper than just looking at wish fulfillment, but that's a fine place to start IMHO.
So anyway - that romance novel I was reading that blissfully disappeared an evening in the tub for me was Farrah Rochon's "The Boyfriend Project":
https://twitter.com/mochagirlsread/status/1271838607377002496
<3 Was so good.
https://twitter.com/mochagirlsread/status/1271838607377002496
<3 Was so good.
